A third political party is preparing to siphon off some presidential votes during the upcoming election cycle — the fringe, toy-tinkering, socially extremist Mattel party has announced that its nominee is none other than the radical Malibu communist, Barbie.
According to Comrade Cathy Cline (officially known as Mattel's VP of of Barbie Brand Marketing in North America), "Being President culminates Barbie's career path" towards destroying the very fabric of American capitalism. Cline continued that Presidential Barbie "stands for inspiring girls to be informed and involved in their local communities." Notice the word "communities" — how far a leap is it from "community" to "commune'? Hmm? A bunny hop, that's how far. If America's two-party system weren't so firmly entrenched and patriarchal, Barbie might sprint unchallenged to the White House. As it is, however, being an inanimate piece of bendy plastic and scant support outside the below-18 demographics has severely hampered her rise to this nation's highest office.
Barbie, in case you're not up on your political history, has been running for president for twenty years, beginning with her first run in 1992 when she burst onto America's political stage in a gown. Now, she's wearing a pair of sensible, specially weighted wedges so she's able to stand up on her own for the first time in her storied election history and a smart outfit that Chris Benz designed for her. Mattel is releasing the latest iteration of presidential-hopeful Barbie in partnership with The White House Project, a nonprofit organization that encourages women to seek political positions. By August, you'll be able to find a Caucasian, Hispanic, African-American, or Asian Barbie candidate in toy stores everywhere, or, if you've joined the 21st century of lassitude with everyone else, somewhere on the internet.