Yes, friends, I know we're all suuuuuuper excited that intergalactic hegemon and sexual daffodil Ryan Gosling rescued a woman from being hit by a car yesterday. I'm with you. My vagina died of a heart attack too. But I think we're overlooking the real story here, which is that RYAN GOSLING'S PUBLICIST PUSHED A WOMAN IN FRONT OF A CAR.
I mean…right? Because otherwise, how is Ryan Gosling even possible? And how much longer can he keep up this bonkers trajectory of increasing human perfection? Because that is some supernatural shit. Just to recap: He's stupid handsome, but just quirky-looking enough that it's not annoying. He's masculine, but not threatening — like a bro that you actually want to hang out with. He's funny. He's a feminist. He wears t-shirts THE BEST. He breaks up fights and keeps the streets safe. He melts human aggression with the touch of one velvety finger. He saves the lives of British people willy-nilly. Plus, he's a genuinely good actor who makes genuinely good movies or whatever! Like, Jesus Christ, Goz! Do you really need to have all the sex? Aren't you tired? Do you need a nap? (Can I watch?)
Anyway, I worry, because I don't want us, as a planet, to reach some sort of Gosling saturation point. And it feels like we're almost there. The memes are already getting to be a bit much — just today I came across Handmade Ryan Gosling, and that's in addition to Silicon Valley Ryan Gosling, Feminist Ryan Gosling, Typographer Ryan Gosling, Poli Sci Ryan Gosling, and god knows how many more. Surely "Socialist Pet Store Ryan Gosling" and "Hey Girl Let Me Lance That for You" can't be far behind. And nobody wants Gosling to become a human "What My Parents Think I Do" situation (punchline: what he actually does is get frustrated while sitting at a messy desk!). You know? I need my Gosling to stay fresh!
I also can't imagine how the fuck he's going to top him self at this point. Retroactively rewrite seasons 3-6 of Lost? Go back in time to when he was a baby and have himself fight baby-Hitler to the death? (It's not baby-murder if a baby did it.) Invent a Ryan Gosling cloning machine???
Knowing Goz, though, as soon as he senses that he's on the other side of the tipping point, he'll melt tastefully into the background for a few years and then just pop up in our apartments one morning all sleepy-eyed like, "Hey girl, let Gosling Clone #A4567-C do those dishes. I actually think women are more beautiful without makeup, you know?" And, oops, my uterus fell out. But it's okay. Goz is here. And he just finished a do-it-yourself OBGYN course at the Learning Annex, girl.