Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to nuzzle up with the gossip in In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Lopez's manfriend seems to have gotten her name tattooed on his dick; Prince William and Duchess Kate might adopt; and Michelle Williams and Jason Segel are doubly cute now that they're dating.

"Kris Gets Revenge."
Snore. Kris Dumphries is talking to his ex-girlfriend, Bianka. They were together for two years and "he never forgot her." If he had, wouldn't it be an indication of some kind of brain damage? Anyway, a source who thinks we care says Kris has feelings for Bianka, "plus, she's hot." Also, Kim's exes are into "Kim Klones," FYI, aka This Thing Looks Like That Thing, aka He Has A Type. (See Fig. 1) What Kris likes about Bianka is that he gets to wear the pants in the relationship; Kim emasculated him. Boo fucking hoo, let's move on. In other news, Nicole Richie has "grown some curves." Prince William and Duchess Kate are planning on adopting. First they'll have biological kids, nice white children who can be heirs to the throne; afterward, they'll get a brown one from somewhere in the world, maybe via of the many worldly charities they support. Lastly: J'Anthrax update: Jen and Justin are setting up a production company together. Yawn.
Grade: F (curled up on concrete sidewalk)

Life & Style
"Stars Without Makeup."
You guys are not going to believe this, but sometimes celebrities leave the house without covering their pores and lines and wrinkles. Shocking, I know. (See Fig. 2) Also inside: Heidi Klum is "struggling" with being a single mom. She's got four kids under the age of eight and a lot of responsibility and so on. Kinda scary. Cameron Diaz has been flirting with Chris Martin. They were both at the same party at the Playboy Mansion, and she was grabbing his ands and dancing and touching and hugging him. Lots of laughing and eye contact, "and he gave it right back," says an eyewitness. Lord knows a married man is not supposed to laugh with anyone except for his wife! Do we still care about Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor? Because they are on vacation in Mexico. If you give a shit. After Nick's near-death experience with kidney failure, he and Mariah Carey are planning on getting married again. They'll renew their vows in a "lavish ceremony" on April 30, their 4th anniversary. "It's gonna be big," Nick swears. Prepare the butterflies!
Grade: D- (napping in a naugahyde bar booth)

In Touch
"Kim Steals Eva's Man!"
"Kim has been throwing herself at Eduardo Cruz — the estranged boyfriend of her best friend, Eva Longoria." Not that you care! But they've been texting and she told him she needed him to come to her rescue and so on and so forth the end. In other news, AnnaLynne McCord's boyfriend looks a lot like her dad. (See Fig. 3) Prince William and Duchess Shinylocks are hoping to get pregnant by their anniversary, April 29. "There is a strong indication Kate had a pregnancy that didn't take" several months ago, says a royal insider. Which is British for miscarriage. But they're trying again. Jessica Simpson is on track to spend $2 million on the delivery of her unborn fetus: $500K on a birthing suite/wing of a hospital; $1M on security, $67K on a private jet, $14,500 on a crib and $100,000 on room service, which fuck, sounds sooo good. Courtney and Ben from The Bachelor are "faking their love for freebies," because they're in Mexico, but ABC is paying. And the producers want them to stay together at least until the next season of The Bachelorette. So they're getting couples counseling and financial compensation — and a trip to MEXICO — for free. Jennifer Lopez's boyfriend Casper Smart has gotten his "nether regions" tattooed with her name. Whether it says "Jennifer Lopez" or "J.Lo" is unclear, but maybe it says JLo when flaccid and Jennifer Lopez when aroused? Just saying. Jon Hamm might be secretly engaged, since he and ladyfriend were seen "toasting their engagement" at the Chateau Marmont on March 13. Or maybe to the success of Friends With Kids? Last: "These Stars Are Scary Skinny Again" just made me roll my eyes all the way up into my head.
Grade: D (waking up with face stuck to wool blanket )

"My Divorce Hell"
Here are some words and phrases from the cover story: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" "I'm so ready, emotionally, for this chapter to be over" "wedding debacle" "Kris wants to hurt her" "stall the divorce." Bleh. Oh! And there's a sidebar in which Kim says, "I figure, I'm single. Now is the best time to get in shape." Like she hasn't been working out like crazy and popping QuickTrim for the past five years? Moving on. Michelle Williams and Jason Segel are in love. After being friends for a while, the relationship has taken a romantic turn! "They are smitten and very serious," a source spills. CUUUUTE. (See Fig. 4) Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana have split up, sniffle. Finally, Katy Perry and hot hot French model Baptiste Giabiconi are still in the midst of a hot hot fling. And they do have something in common: They both like fashion.
Grade: D+ (dozing on denim divan)

"Khloe & Lamar: The End."
Uh-oh, trouble in paradise. Lamar is depressed, and Khloe is upset about her fertility issues. Lamar spent hundreds of dollars on strippers recently, and they are living separate lives. Sigh. Also inside: Courteney Cox and Demi Moore are new BFFs. Courteney is fed up with the way Jen is all obsessed with Justin, so she and Demi have been taking self-help classes and braiding each other's hair and stuff. Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna are having "hush-hush hookups," but an insider says don't worry, it's just casual sex. Sad face: Kristen Wiig and Fabrizio Moretti are on the rocks. Stop me if you've heard this one before: He started pulling away after she said she wanted kids. As seen in Dirt Bag this morning, Megan Fox is pregnant with the spawn of David Silver. Mazel tov! In an interview with the ex-girlfriend of Jaleel White, aka Urkel, she says he verbally and emotionally abused her and pushed her once, boo. Blind item! "What other MTV reality star is in rehab? Seems as though work pressures — and early motherhood — have taken their toll." Snickers? Finally, "Kate Middleton Anorexia Drama" is about how the princess is "thinner than she's ever been" and getting gray hair and looking malnourished. Concerntroll nutrition expert who has never met the lady says: "Her face appears gaunt. She looks tired." Thank you for your so very irrelevant opinion.
Grade: C- (slumbering on slipcovered sofa)


Fig 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us