Despite Kris Jenner's effusive praise of her daughter's poise under a hail of dry goods, it seems that Kim Kardashian isn't so blase about being embarrassed in public after all. "I said earlier," she said later, "no, I wasn't [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don't want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that."
"Handle that"? Are some poor, confused confectioner's knees about to get broken ironically with rolling pins? Beware the wrath and contemplation of Kim Kardashian, who, after mulling it over even more, revealed the true scope of this seemingly innocuous prank:
Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, 'What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?' It's scary. And what's even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and...I'm gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable.
It is so not acceptable, but I think she's still underestimating the true dimensions of this seemingly isolated attack. Think about it: Daniel Craig, Jonah Hill, and Jon Hamm each attacks Kim from a different angle, probing her celebrity psyche for weaknesses. Sure the three seem like a charming and two-thirds super attractive group of leading men, but don't their respective steely gazes, self-deprecating brand of comedy, and swarthy stubble clue us into the highly unlikely possibility that they're a team of Batman-esque villains looking to destroy the American family itself by destroying America's quintessential television family, the Kardashians, by systematically bullying and humiliating its golden child, Kim Kardashian? Hasn't that occurred to anyone? [E!]
- Whew, okay, now that we've dispensed with the acid-trip news story of the day, we can move to more important things, and by more important things I mean more adorable things, and by more adorable things I mean the puppy pictures celebrities such as Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and Stacy Keibler tweeted in honor of National Puppy Day. [E!]
- Speaking of puppies, Marcos Daniel Jimenez, an attorney for the cuddly rapper Pit Bull is suing Lindsay Lohan's attorney Stephanie Ovadia for plagiarizing her legal brief from the internet. Whoops! The plagiarized brief, Jimenez argues, "reflects the frivolous nature of Ms. Lohan's claims," which are, chiefly, that Pit Bull "misappropriated her image" with the lyric, "I got locked up like Lindsay Lohan." If you can't parse all this lawyer-speak, don't worry — I've seen enough episodes of the People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian to know that most lawsuits are frivolous. [E!]
- Remember when Adrian Grenier said that the leader of the free world, President Barack Obama, had promised to make a cameo in whatever sordid Entourage movie the typewriting monkeys of Hollywood are busy hammering away at right this very second? Yeah, well, according to the man formerly known as Turtle, Jerry Ferrara, Grenier is a gullible idiot who can't cope with how slick the prez is. In so many words: "As sick and awesome as that would be, I think that was a pretty cool joke. I can't imagine that the president of the United States is going to do a cameo in anything. There's way more important things going on." What could be more important than Kevin Dillon shouting defiantly at the President that he voted for McCain/Palin because he's not about to vote for an all-penis ticket? [E!]
- The Hunger Games got Penn Badgley's allegorical wheels a-turnin' and this is what he came up with: the Hunger Games are totally a stand-in, like, a metaphor even, for the Occupy Wall Street protests. Said Badgley (whose opinion about the Capitol can hardly be trusted since he's dating Cinna's daughter),
You know what was so funny?... I thought it was just going to be the games. But then I realized, and I thought, 'If this doesn't end in revolution, it's irresponsible, because of everything it's bringing up.' If Katniss doesn't become a fucking revolutionary, then I don't know what they're doing. And as it went on, I went, 'Fuck! That's what they're doing!' Which is cool.
- Timely as this comparison may be, it can't be accurate since, as we all know, The Hunger Games is really a metaphor for Battle Royale. There, I said it. [NY Mag]
- Have Rihanna and Ashton Kutcher been carrying on a torrid eight-week affair right under our gossip-mongering noses? Is the relationship getting so serious that she wants to start studying Kabbalah? I don't know...does Rihanna look sometimes like a Capitol-dweller from The Hunger Games? [Daily Mail]
- Vanessa Lachey is also pregnant, everyone, but she's not yet round/famous enough for anyone to care that much. [E!]
- Fergie likes husband Josh Duhamel's mohawk, probably because she likes stupid haircuts. [People]
- James Cameron's submersible, the Deepsea Challenger, completed an unmanned 7-mile test dive, bringing Cameron one step closer to making contact with the aliens living at the bottom of the ocean and finding out once and for all what a Giant Squid looks like. [AP]
- The Beckham family is coming to America for keepsies! They're selling their homes in France and England, and before you can say, "Big Beth," they'll be here, asking to sleep on America's couch for a few weeks until they get their shit straightened out. [Mirror]
- Since Julia Roberts derives some sort of sadistic joy from hiding around her house and scaring her young children, Ellen decided to dole out some social justice by scaring Julia Roberts on national TV. [Us]
- Not only is Bob Barker alive, he's rescuing elephants from the frigid, Hoth-like tundra that is Canada. Barker is paying $880,000 to fly three elephants from the Toronto Zoo to PAWS Sanctuary in San Andreas, California, but because this story is a minefield of Operation Dumbo Drop jokes, all I feel comfortable noting is that Bob Barker may have reached the point during a long and storied showbiz career where movies and reality start to blend seamlessly into one confusing knot of quixotic undertakings. [Reuters]