And so it begins: 16 sexy warriors and 16 sumptuous soldiers, duking it out for a chance at glory and a chance to be the best of the best. The mighty winner will settle, once and for all, if sex is indeed better than chocolate, or vice-versa. Starting today, we'll give you daily matchups from each conference; your vote will help determine who continues their reach for the brass ring (or chocolate cock ring, if you will). So let's do this.
In the Sex Conference, we have top-seeded Oral versus the bottom of the barrel, Hangnail Fingerbang, seeded at No. 16. Which is more pleasurable? We don't predict an upset here, unless you're more sick than we thought (and we thought a lot!) — but the Selection Committee shouldn't say anything more, lest we exercise any influence over your vote. But if you're wondering what a Hangnail Fingerbang is, it's every version of whatever you are imagining.
Meanwhile, the Chocolate conference gives us No. 1 seed Truffles — a strong, broad-shouldered competitor — facing off against the shiny and waxy No. 16 Chanukah Gelt. (This seems a good time to make clear that the Selection Committee is not biased against Jews — just their candy.) Does Gelt stand a chance, or will the likes of a See's sampler take it down?
The winners are up to you; polls will stay open until 1am EDT. Vote carefully, thoughtfully, and passionately. Put it all on the line, and fate will take it from here.