After a TSA agent in Hawaii gave a mother trouble about bringing her breast pump on the plane, Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark knew that an agency-wide memo was in order:

Dear TSA Agents:

Recently, it has come to our attention that some of you can read. Amongst those of you who can, we will have a meeting soon to discuss the proper punishment for this infraction of policy. However, in the meantime, we must bring up recent events regarding a woman in woman who was required to demonstrate usage of a breast pump.

First of all, we are required by law to state that this is discriminatory or something, and bad agents! Bad! No! That's a bad agent!

However, in the name of keeping our nation safe from liberty, we must instead inform you of the proper procedure. Firstly, anything that is strange and electronic (such as the Apple Computer magic devices) must be screened at least twice before being allowed through. If they are owned by swarthy types (note, swarthy is not a protected class, so feel free to take note of them), feel free to ask to randomly check their bags a few more times. Make sure to catch them when they are putting their clothes back on after the 3D backscatter cancer-tron scan. It keeps them on their toes.

We realize that you are busy talking about how your coworkers did something "simply scandalous," and that that lets the occasional dagger or broadsword through. That's okay. Studies have shown that the next terrorist attack on American soil is going to be caused by tiny bottles of shampoo or souvenir bottles of peanut butter (the most delicious of all terrorist weapons). This study was mostly done by Bob. Bob knows a lot of stuff.

In summary, we will apologize and stuff for some of you doing your job too damn well (ew, breast pumps? Why are you flying anyway, lady?!) But just keep doing what you do best: mostly nothing.

God bless America and the noble order of the TSA.

Your Loving Overlords at TSA. All hail C'thulu.

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