Can I ask you a question? Why are you not drunk right now? I mean, yes, you're probably at work, or school, or even at home, trying to keep your child from wandering into traffic, but let's be honest. The reason that you're not drunk is because you just haven't found the right thing to drink, am I right? For so long, women have longed to be drunk 24-7, but our only choices have been that disgusting substance known as beer (man piss, as I like to call it) or drinks that are too sophisticated and complex for us to understand, like scotch and martinis. Well, luckily, thanks to the miracle of feminism, that's changing fast. Women are finally being empowered to drink alcohol that is specially tailored to our fleshy curves and delicate natures.
First there was the relief of discovering Be. Wines, a collection of whites that match our lady moods perfectly. While their light, flirty-fun vibe is lovely, sometimes you need something just a little bit stronger, something that takes being fun and flirty more seriously. Well, gentlewomen, now we have our very own vodka too! It's called Little Black Dress Vodka, because, as their press release says, "The little black dress is an iconic symbol of simple elegance—every woman's easy choice for looking good and feeling confident." Yes, nothing makes you look good and feel confident like getting hammered on flavored vodka. Flavored, you say? Yes, but wait up. We'll get to that in a second. First, let's talk about the reason that this vodka already feels so perfect and right. I'll give you a hint: It's because it was…
Developed entirely by a team of savvy ladies — from concept and product innovation, brand management to legal, production and finance — this is an industry rarity. This fully female team created vodkas they'd want to sip.
Ladies4Ladies! Luv it. So what, exactly, is it that these women—nay, all women—want in a cocktail? "Fuss-free, burn-free, and flavorful, with an eye toward calorie count." Boom. Couldn't have hit the nail on the head better if I'd surveyed 10,000 sorority girls myself. As Brand Director Laura Webb so eloquently puts it,
Too many people are intimidated by complicated cocktail recipes and ingredients. We wanted to design a brand all about women, accentuating ease and superb taste. We also realize a lot of women are mindful of the calories in cocktails, so when creating the Little Black Dress Vodka we wanted to provide excellent flavors that wouldn't require a lot of high calorie mixers, but rather taste great straight up or with only a few simple low calorie ingredients.
Yessss. Finally cocktails that aren't intimidating and don't require all those scary shakers and strainer thingies. As Drunk Talk Barbie always says, "Mixology is tough!"
Let's get to these exciting not at all disgusting sounding flavors we've been hearing so much about. We can choose from Pineapple-Honey, Blueberry Pomegranate, and Black Cherry-Vanilla, oh, and Classic. And because women are apparently incapable of consuming a beverage that does not somehow reflect their unique personality, LBD's website helpfully spells out what kind of lady drinks each flavor. For instance,
Feelin' chatty? Say it like it is! Your quick wit and ability to call the shots is envied, but you're the first one with the next move. You're a charmer—and you can stir things up, effortlessly.
That's a Blueberry Pomegranate lover if I've ever seen one! If I wasn't already drunk from reading these descriptions, I'd say that it should be, "Your quick wit and ability to call the shots ARE envied," but *giggle giggle giggle* Do you think my knees look cute in this LBD?
Listen, don't worry if you aren't feelin' so chatty. Maybe you're more in the mood to get into mischief? Then grab a bottle of Black Cherry-Vanilla and drink it all in one ladylike swig because,
Trouble's your middle name. You've got smooth moves and sophisticated taste, but you know how to shake things up and show your wild side. You're a ten. And tonight you're turning heads.
Oooh, I like your style, girl! You might be turning heads, but it definitely won't be because you're super fat and disgusting. That's right, LBD flavors are just 90 calories per serving. That means you can totally do like 87 shots a night before you have to start worrying about not fitting into your actual Little Black Dress. Awesomesauce! Even more awesome? It's only 14 bucks, and it's coming to a store near you very soon. Perhaps you ought to put on your best Little Black Dress and a bunch of makeup so you're ready to party the minute this shit hits the shelves. Girl power!