All of Hollywood was plucked, waxed, coiffed and bejeweled at the 84th Annual Academy Awards. Step right this way; sparkles are waiting for you.

Maria Menounos's gown (by Maria Lucia Hohan) evokes a mermaid in foamy sheer layers of sea green. On someone else I might like the exposed sides of this dress, but on her they're just a reminder that she made a bet that if the Giants won the Super Bowl she'd show up to work in a bikini. Like, that is her idea of losing a bet: Parading her half-naked slamming body on TV next to Mario Lopez. Give me a break. In other news, Giuliana's gown (by Tony Ward) is gorgeous. Much better than the tampon-esque one she was wearing earlier. Nice work.

Ugh, hate the color of this Alberta Ferretti gown on Modern Family's Sarah Hyland. Bleh. Not great for her skin tone, too dull. Also, is it… wrinkled? On the Academy Awards Red Carpet?! Let's move on. Lara Spencer's silver dress is great — shimmery but not over the top. The Artist's Penelope Ann Miller chose a 1930s-inspired Badgley Mischka gown in a pale pinky blush that looked better on TV than it does here. Nice silhouette.

Hot-cha-cha! Milla Jovovich is stunning in sparkling, pearly white Elie Saab. The retro-hair, strong red lip, and "I Got This" gaze go perfectly with the gown, and the sum of all these parts is Hollywood Perfection. Multipass for the win!

Louise Roe, English television presenter, model, and fashion journalist, is clad in expertly folded dinner napkins (Actually, a Black Halo dress.) Lea Thompson's ill-fitting disco ball dress might actually fit but just look like it's too baggy. If you look closely, you'll see that Zachary Quinto and J.C. Chandor's tuxes are flip-mirror images of each other — black with blue and blue with black. Matchy!

Oh la la. Berenice Bejo is divine in a delicate mint green beaded gown by Elie Saab. So into the elegant updo, complete with braid. Are those emeralds hanging from her ears?

Jane Seymour is a hot-ass firecracker tonight. There should be a bubble over her head that reads, "Bitches, this is how it's done." Judy Greer, I don't know, I love her, and I love Studio 54, but I don't think I love her in this Studio 54 dress (by Monique Lhuillier). Li Bing Bing is like, Hi, I'm pretty and demure. (That's a Georges Chakra gown.)

Jessica Chastain's Alexander McQueen dress is totally regal, I wish she'd done some kind of royal hairdo. Ellie Kemper's rusty-colored sequins (by Armani Privé) are okay, somehow not as exciting as you'd think. Shailene Woodley is doing the long-sleeve thing that is so hot right now, and seems kind of late '60s/early '70s Sharon Tate realness, which I have no problem with. (The gown is Valentino couture.)

Melissa McCarthy, my darling, this Marina Rinaldi dress is divine from the waist down, but it's a wee bit too busy up top for my liking. Jeweled waist AND jeweled neckline AND billowing sleeves? Maya Rudolph's simple eggplant Johanna Johnson gown is elegant. Viola Davis is an absolute winner. Looking young and vibrant with natural hair and a vivid emerald Vera Wang gown.

Stacy Kiebler is Award Show Barbie™ in gold Marchesa. Missi Pyle told Giuliana her Valentina Delfino dress is eco-friendly, from cruelty-free silkworms or some such, and it's also really quite beautiful. And look, there's Michelle Williams doing that hardly-looks-like-she's-trying-because-she-seems-so-comfortable-and-lovely thing she does so well, in Louis Vuitton.

Rooney Mara chose white (Givenchy) instead of black, and it seems that there are quite a few white gowns tonight. Not sure about the bustline? Something is kind of weird? But she looks amazing.

Busy Phillips is Michelle Williams' date, and rightly chose a rawther plain, unassuming Dolce & Gabbana dress so her BFF could shine. Virginia Madsen is ravishing in violet Kevan Hall. And Octavia Spencer's Tadashi Shoji gown looks a little washed out here, but it is perfectly sparkly, curve-hugging and classy.

Glen Close appears to be wearing a forest green tuxedo jacket over a forest green gown (it's Zac Posen) and why the hell not? Kelly Ripa is yet another lady in an ivory color — this is Carolina Herrera — if you are keeping count. Last we saw her, Rose Byrne was in a jumpsuit, and she is staying true to her disco theme tonight, in Vivienne Westwood.

Ladies and gentleman, Bret McKenzie jumps. If you're into it.

Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann (in Roberto Cavalli) are two very elegant funny folks. Pharrell is wearing a three piece tux and a smirk. Kristen Wiig looks nice… but I don't like the greige color of her J. Mendel gown, or the non-glam hair.

Jean DuJardin and Alexandra Lamy look great together, tres chic. I can't decide if Melissa Leo's quirky little sequined shirtdress (by Reem Acra) is flattering? Maybe a little shapeless in the waist? Sherri Shepherd's got the same problem Melissa McCarthy has — embellished waist, embellished neckline, poufy sleeves. One or two but not three, please.

Emma Stone's red Giambattista Valli dress is soooo similar to the Balenciaga Nicole Kidman wore a few years ago. That said, she looks beautiful, and I like when redheads wear red. Tina Fey's Carolina Herrera dress is super structured and classic, but, gah, just sort of boring? I mean, charity event, sure, but this is the OSCARS. Meryl Streep looks confident and comfortable in a gold Lanvin gown — the sleeves are balanced by the plunging neckline.

Love love love the high bun on La Lopez. And the curvalicious dress — by Zuhair Murad — is just right.

Gwyneth Paltrow, ladies and gentleman. Impeccable, in Tom Ford. So current, so unadorned, so minimal, she makes everyone else look dowdy and outdated.

Natalie Portman's vintage Christian Dior dress is quite beautiful. There's something Natalie Wood or Douglas Sirk about this, at least in my mind. Written On The Wind steez. (Probably because the gown's from 1955!)

The shape and chiffon layers of Cammie D's Gucci Premiere dress are very cool, but I wish the color were stronger, more vibrant.

Girlcrush Penny Cruz is giving Grace Kelly/Sophia Loren/Rita Hayworth and loving every minute of it, in Armani Privé.

Hell yes Angelina. Show that leg. We can almost see your Whiskey Bravo. Do it.

Hollywood Royalty, ya'll. Dude needs a haircut but they look fab. Her dress is Atelier Versace.

Just look at these fashionably late hotties!

Sandy Bullock's black and white Marchesa is formal, yet no stiff or restrictive. (It was backless!) Into the ponytail, too.

Jonah Hill is awfully dapper in his midnight-blue hues. Julia Ormond! Haven't seen her in a while… The no-fuss dress is chic, if not very exciting. Wendi McLendon-Covey looks very princessy/sweet sixteen, but if not tonight, then when?

Mixed feelings about Anna Faris in black Diane von Furstenberg... Sometimes it works on blondes. Sometimes they get washed out. With this hair, I'd love to see a gold flapper-esque number.

Does anyone want to straighten Jason Segel's tie for him? Does anyone want to guess how many times a year Princess Charlene and Prince Albert II of Monaco attend a black tie event? Does anyone else think Alexandra Edenborough and Gary Oldman look sexy as hell?

Swoon! Colin Firth and Livia Giuggioli (in Valentino) are both so swellegant.

The Cloons may have already had a cocktail. Both Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas may need slight alterations on their ensembles. John Corbett and Bo Derek may have smoked a blunt.

Yeah, so this happened.

Did you know Diddy produced a documentary?

Bonus Jean DuJardin mugging.

Esperanza Spalding is simply gorgeous; Wim Wenders goes with colorful accessories.