It's no secret that a lot of us get a little tingly in our magic area for Daniel Radcliffe now that he's come of age and it's totally acceptable to lust after him. Word must have gotten back to him somehow because the little rabblerouser can't seem to stop talking about sleeping with his fans and his fondness towards a hairy thicket. But now he's outdone himself by showing off a party trick on Spanish TV show El Hormiguero in what could only be described as a love letter to your vagina – the letter M to be precise. If a man has the dexterity to twist his tongue into an alphabetical shape then you know he's got some mad skills in the bedroom. That sound you just heard from your cubicle was middle management locking the doors to their office and drawing the blinds, if you hurry you can be the first one to occupy the accessible toilets. [Daily Mail]

It appears that Chris Brown got all upset with us high falutin', spousal abuse-hating media types for calling him out on being a relentlessly unrepentant dickwad yesterday, because he took to Twitter to voice his annoyance of anyone who dare suggest he's an unapologetic brat – in lieu of not having enough chairs to throw at all of us. "DEAR MEDIA.. Ur plan is not working…I'm not going anywhere so get used to me," he Tweeted. "How long is this gonna take?" Well, that's pretty much up to you. [E!]
Grammys producer and fellow shit-nugget Ken Ehrlich says that he's the true victim in all of this. "It may have taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened," he said. "What he's done and what he's done to reclaim his career and seemingly the kind of person that he has become makes him — I don't even want to use the word eligible — but you know, it's time." Wow, thank god he's gotten over Rihanna getting punched in the face, it must have been incredibly hard for him. [US]
Even Chris's mom wishes he'd shut the fuck up. [Radar]

And now some ammunition for the apologists who screech "Rihanna has forgiven him so why can't youuuuuu?!" – word has it that she invited Chris Brown to her pre-birthday party on Valentine's Day. "If Cupid was here he would be very happy everyone @Rihanna bday party was coupled up," Tweeted alleged partygoer, Katia C. "All I can say, CB was invited and she was acting like the happiest girl on her birthday and probably got what she asked for." Aside from that vaguely threatening post, another "insider" says that Rihanna and Katy Perry got into a sexy cake fight – is there any other kind? – while Chris and Bruno Mars looked on: "Rihanna and Katy had everyone going crazy. By the end of the night they started a cake fight and were dancing together while Bruno and Chris looked on open-mouthed, cheering." [Mirror]

Because this country can't seem to cope unless everything is televised all the time, the church holding Whitney Houston's funeral service is in the process of setting up a live feed so everyone can pry from the comfort of their own home. "‘The people deserve something and we are working to set it up for them," said a source. On second thought, they're right! I did buy the Bodyguard soundtrack on cassette way back when. [NYDN]
Barack Obama is staying at the hotel where she died. In tabloid terms, this means he's next. [Politico]
Poor ol' Whit is going to be buried next to her father in New Jersey. [US]

Victoria Beckham (or zombie Victoria Beckham, according to this quality smartphone flash) can't seem to get enough of her husband David's famed goldenballs, so she's taken to grabbing them whenever the opportunity arises – seen here cupping them on a New York street. "So proud of my wife taking #NYFW by the balls," David wrote on his Facebook wall. [US]

  • Skrillex and Ellie Goulding have been making beautiful music together – GONG! – since November. [NYDN]
  • Finally taking off his wedding band, Seal has replaced it with a fetching shade of yellow nail polish to emphasize said removal. [E!]
  • Next week's tabloid headline: "George Clooney lifts the lid on his tumultuous relationship with Brad Pitt: 'I haven't seen him in a year!'" [E!]
  • I'll never tire of seeing pictures of Courtney Stodden – never! If she did a photo shoot with Coco my head would explode. [E!]
  • When she professes her love for "the Bush and the Tush" you naturally think that Khloe Kardashian is speaking about her penchant towards both vaginal and anal sex, but then you realize she's only talking about her sister Kim's possibly on-again relationship Reggie Bush. What a letdown. [E!]
  • Wow! Beyoncé has been "totally doting" on Blue Ivy, and her we were thinking that she spent her days pinching her chubby little legs or flat-out ignoring her like most new moms. [US]
  • If Taylor Armstrong wants to stay in the reality star business she's sure going the right way about it by sleeping with her married attorney. [Radar]
  • You'd better watch your back Uggie, Giggy of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills fame totally dominated the Golden Collar Awards. [Vulture]
  • Our lord and saviour Oprah – well, before Ellen usurped her – is considering a return to the big screen in The Butler. [Vulture]
  • Move over Sienna "Shitsburgh" Miller because now Chloë Sevigny is shitting all over Manchester, revealing how much she hated living there for five months while shooting TV show Hit Or Miss: "It was one of the grimmest places that I'd ever been to in my entire life and I was there so long." [The Sun]
  • Real estate porn: the Adele edition. [The Sun]
  • It must give your self-esteem quite the pummelling to learn that your boyfriend was begging swingers for sex – embarrassing, too, says Melissa Rivers. [DailyMail]
  • Paul McCartney says he quit drugs for the sake of his eight-year-old daughter, Beatrice. Though he didn't clarify if it was around the time she was born or now that she's actually turned eight – you know, due to some arbitrary pot logic. [Express]
  • Hugh Hefner finally concedes that it maybe wasn't the best idea for his son Marston to attack his girlfriend. [Yahoo]
  • Positioning herself as the next Lady "Everything I do is art!" Gaga, Nicki Minaj said her sacrilicious Grammys performance was part of a movie she's making. [CBS]