Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we head to the newsstand and pay — financially and emotionally — for the weekly celebrity magazines, in search of good gossip. This week, Katy Perry's parents are trying to set her up with "holy hunk" Tim Tebow; Johnny Depp "wants out" of his relationship with Vanessa Paradis; and J.Lo makes being a Sugar Mama sound like oodles of fun.

"Teen Brides!"
Nope! Sorry, refused to read this cover story. Moving on. The piece called "Why Bradley Dumped J.Lo For Zoe" points out, that Bradley Cooper, who graduated with honors in English from Georgetown, and Zoe Saldana "both adore reading and forever swapping notes on the classics… Their book group sessions have been the biggest turn-on." Translation: J.Lo don't read. The best story in this issue is "Katy's New Man," which purports that Katy Perry's parents want "holy, hunky NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to be her next husband!" Katy's parents watch him play all the time and think he is ideal husband material, an insider claims. They're inviting him to speak at their church in Huntington Beach — and Katy will be there. Let us kneel and pray that sparks fly. Amen.
Grade: D- (Canadian penny)

Life & Style
"I Will Destroy Kim"
Kris Humphries mad. Kris Humphries no like what Kris Humphries see on TV. Kris Humphries made to look like jerk. Kris Humprhies think voice dubbing added to scenes. Kris Humphries say stuff that happened in Dubai episode was taped when Kim got back from trip. Kris Humphries "friend" say "What you see on TV is not the real Kris." Kris Humphries will sue if Kris Humphries is portrayed as a monster! Moving on: Adele is in love! She went to Florida with her bear/beau, Simon Konecki, and laughed and went on an alligator-watching boat tour and is very happy right now. Kate Middleton's 30th birthday was "bittersweet," since it was one of the last moments she got to spend with Prince William before he gets shipped to the Falkland Islands for six weeks. There's actually a sidebar called "Life Without William," as though he will be dead and not just flying a helicopter. Next, Rihanna has stopped by Chris Brown's studio twice recently. A source says, "She's calling and texting him a lot. She won't let go." Did you know that Revenge's Emily VanCamp and Josh Bowman were seen making out all night in Paris on New Year's Eve? In J'Anthrax news, Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston went on a romantic getaway to Telluride CO, where they stayed in a lodge with a river-rock fireplace and went skiing with pals like Chelsea Handler and Justin paid for a couple of coffees with a $100 bill because he is classy like that. Finally: Because being a woman is a competition and we are all the judges, "Better Body After Baby" alleges that Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, Kate Hudson and Victoria Bekcham are hotter now that they are skinny new moms. Awesome.
Grade: D (nickel)

"Can She Trust Justin?"
Jessica Biel and Justin Trousersnake are engaged, and a source says, "They seem really happy and in love right now," but the proposal came from an ultimatum that Jessica issued. "Aisle or exit." Sounds like something you might say on an airplane. A source "close" to Timberlake says: "Justin really loves Jessica, but he just can't stay monogamous. Basically, his brain and his penis operate separately, and the brain proposed to her." While the penis just winked and laughed. Also inside: Taylor Swift will be offered the part of Éponine in the Les Miserables movie, beating out both Lea Michelle and Scarlett Johansson, because the world is bullshit. For the birth of little baby Blue, Jay-Z and Beyoncé turned six existing rooms at Lenox Hill hospital into two suites and paid $15,000 a day for a 10-man security team to guard the area while Beyoncé was inside. Stars! They're just like, um, no one.
Grade: D+ (dime)

In Touch
"Jen's Heartbreak: DUMPED!"
A zillion celebs got engaged over the holidays, but not Jennifer Aniston. And homegirl is FURIOUS. Days before New Year's eve, Justin stormed out after J'Anthrax had their biggest fight ever. See, Jen had convinced herself that Justin was going to pop the question on Christmas. Instead, she got a "generic purse." She was "stunned," and started a fight that lasted for days. Justin packed a bag, dumped Jen, and stayed with a friend on the Lower East Side. They "honored" plans to spend New Year's in Colorado, but spent much of the vacay apart, with Jen on the slopes and Justin in the cabin with a hot cocoa and his tears. "The honeymoon period is over," guys. Jen "doesn't want a boyfriend. She wants a husband." And she will get one, dammit! Also inside: Kim Kardashian drunk-dialed Kris Humphries to tell him that she missed his dick their sex life, but hung up before he answered. Ryan Gosling might propose to Eva Mendes, because he thinks she is "the one." Just wait until he finds out he's wrong and [insert our name here] is the true love of his life! Did Rachel Zoe get a facelift? Random doctors say yes! Also, the article notes that Zoe was "mercilessly taunted by a blogger" about her appearance, and that drove her to Botox. 19-year-old divorcée Leah Messner from Teen Mom is pregnant with a second set of twins, which means she will soon be 20 with four kids. Cough. Breaking: Pax is now my favorite Jolie-Pitt. Pass it on. (See Fig. 1) Last, but not least, three words: Pizza-shaped sleeping bag. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: C- (quarter)

"Khloe Is Not A Kardashian"
As mentioned earlier today, Jan Ashley, the woman Robert Kardashian married after Kris Jenner, says: "Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said… 'Well, you know Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you? Robert's widow, Ellen Kardashian, says Kris was a cheater, but Robert "would never have considered a DNA test. He loved [Khloe] very much." Old pictures of the Kardashian family show that Khloe's old nose looks nothing like her sister's old noses, or Robert Kardashian's nose. (See Fig. 3) But it's not like Khloe didn't suspect this all along, right? She totally mentioned it on the show, didn't she? Anyway. Also inside: Cameron Diaz may have gotten new boobs for the new year (See Fig. 4). Owen Wilson is depressed and "drank his way through the holidays." Welcome to the club. Ryan Cabrera's drug and alcohol abuse have gotten so bad "he had to have eight inches of his colon removed." Um, what? Noted lushes Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne are engaged. Johnny Depp "wants out" of his relationship with Vanessa Paradis. Even though they're not married, he's consulted a lawyer to see "how he can gracefully get out." Sad face! Finally: Jennifer Lopez has a kept man! She hated having to whip out her credit card every time she went to dinner with 24-year-old dancer Casper Smart, and it "bummed her out" that Casper had to borrow money from her to buy her a Christmas present. So Jenny from The Block started giving the kid an allowance a "stipend" of $10,000 a week. According to a source, "She thought $10K was a nice round number." Apparently Casper is "learning to live like a star," flying on private jets and staying in luxury hotels. Now that he's getting paid, "Jen is hoping Casper won't think twice about buying presents for her kids of whisking her off for a surprise weekend getaway," the source spills. "She can take care of herself just fine, but she's old-fashioned when it comes to wanting the man to take charge." Plus! He needs new clothes for events and stuff. Just think of her as Richard Gere and Casper as Julia Roberts, going "woo woo woo" at a polo game. Which means Jenny gets to snap a jewelry box on Casper's fingers! Fun! But seriously, being a rich forty-something lady and gleefully supporting your much-younger house boy boyfriend is what America is all about, right? (Fingers crossed, new vision board begun.)
Grade: A (crisp dollar bill)


Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4 from Star