She's only just come up for air, but Blue Ivy has already caused her very first storm of controversy after a man claims Beyoncé's security team were acting like a bunch of dicks and wouldn't let him into Lenox Hill Hospital's NICU to see his premature twin daughters. "Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday - just because they wanted to use the hallway," said Neil Coulon. "These are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology … Nobody cares if you're a celebrity. Nobody is star-gazing. They just want to see their children." The hired goons also kicked Coulon's relatives out of the waiting room because it was down the hall from the wing Beyoncé allegedly paid $1.3 million to use. "Some people were upset," said a staffer. "I heard a gentleman say he couldn't go upstairs to see his baby." [NYDN]
Solange says that despite all of that nastiness, her niece is pretty awesome. [Mirror]
It's also considerably better news for Boston-area event planning company Blue Ivy, who just got a shitload of free press. [TMZ]
Blue Ivy has her own non-foetal Twitter account. Confused? So am I. [NYDN]

Christina Aguilera has faced her fair share of fat jibes – hello, Kelly Osbourne – but she says the haters can suck it because she's just fine with the way she looks, thanks very much. "You can never be too perfect, too thin, too curvy, voluptuous, this, that. I've been on all sides of the spectrum as far as any female in this business," she said. "As long as I'm happy in my own skin, that's all I need. I'm happy with where I'm at. I have a boyfriend that loves my body. I love my body. My son is healthy and happy. That's all that matters." [US]

Public slut-shaming is getting a sassy makeover with the introduction of new Fashion Police segment "The Slut Cut". "We've discovered that a lot of these woman are taking dresses that are one length on the runway and literally hacking them off and making them short, so we're doing a thing called The Slut Cut," says executive producer Melissa Rivers. Though I can't wait to hear your take on it down in the comments, let me unclutch my pearls for a minute and give Joan Rivers a slow clap for her take on further developments for season two. "It's a great season," she said. "I die at the end." she said. [E!]

Following her father's anti-Semitic sermon and general rants about her divorce, Katy Perry wants y'all to know that no one speaks for Katy Perry except for Katy Perry. "Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me," she wrote. "Not a blog, magazine, 'close sources' or my family." Cut to close sources defriending her on Facebook. [NYDN]

If you thought birthing a child who grew up to be ridiculously wealthy would solve your money woes forever you'd be dead wrong — just ask Scarlett Johansson's mom, Melanie, who is battling to get a down payment returned for the house she can no longer afford. Her lawyers say that their client's financial troubles all boil down to the fact that ScarJo fired her mother as manager in 2009 after 17 years in favor of in favor of power agent Rick Yorn. "Once I got married, I felt that I needed to cut the cord," Scarlett said last month. [Page Six]

  • Here's your first look at Amanda Seyfried as Linda Lovelace. [Page Six]
  • Despite the fact he got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf, Justin Bieber says he's not obsessed with the guy and prefers taking things easy with a casual, outdoorsy relationship. [Page Six]
  • The hens over at the Mail are clucking with concern over Bieber's poor posture. Complete with random Quasimodo reference. [Daily Mail]
  • Jimmy Fallon is working on an album full of country covers that's "going to be small, and under the radar" – um, how does he plan on keeping it low-profile, exactly? [Page Six]
  • Don't fret, it's going to be okay! Chace Crawford's pretty face suffered a nasty cut and some bruises following a fall but doctors say it'll make a full recovery. [Page Six]
  • Adding a little more ink to her collection, Lindsay Lohan got a new tattoo on her left wrist that reads: "Live without regrets." No comment. [NYDN]
  • Winning them even fewer fans, the Kardashians are threatening to sue's founder. [NYDN]
  • You can exhale, Alec Baldwin is back on Twitter. [E!]
  • Color me obsessed, but I do want to hear what Bethenny Frankel has to say about the recent suicide subplot of the reality show franchise that made her infamous. [E!]
  • Angelina Jolie speaks about Brad Pitt's recent injury, saying she's glad he took one for the team. [E!]
  • Lady Antebellum's Hillary Scott married her dude Chris Tyrell over the weekend. [US]
  • Flipping the bird to poor people everywhere, Elin Nordegren is building a near-replica of the $12 million house that she razed to the ground. [TMZ]
  • Vanessa Paradis steps out looking a bit bummed in the wake of Johnny Depp split rumors. Sidebar: why is it that hack tabloid writers always say women look "barely recognizable" without makeup on? Because she looks pretty much, no, exactly the same. [Radar]
  • "Rolling In The Deep" has been charting forever, so Adele had better win a Grammy when she hits LA to perform at the awards show next month. [Radar]
  • Amy Poehler and her adorable giant baby are giving me phantom ovary pains. [Daily Mail]