David Fincher's highly-anticipated Girl With the Dragon Tattoo had its world premiere last night in London. With the exception of the film's main stars, Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara, the red carpet fashion was a trainwreck. Which I suppose is appropriate, given the film's dark subjects.

Rooney Mara, who plays the lead role of Lisbeth Salander, looks as feral as she does virginal in her Givenchy white mesh and lace gown. The dress is almost bridal with the beaded top and sheer sleeves—or at least it was before the bride took a pair of scissors to it. The shoulder cut-outs, on top of the back cut-out, on top of the exposed booty zipper, on top of the odd way the dress suddenly fans out in the back, make for a frock that doesn't quite add up, but I still appreciate Rooney's impulse to don this dress, if only because it was an unusual and striking choice, and also because all the other dresses last night were god-awful.

Peaches Geldof's dress was not god-awful, but it wasn't god-awesome either. The lace looks tired and frayed and the sash around her waist is sad and droopy. Her lipstick is way too bright and messes up the moody, vampy feel of her gown. The silhouette of the dress isn't groundbreaking or anything, but had it been executed better and paired with the right accessories, it would have given Peaches some old Hollywood glamour vibes. As for her beau? Dude, your pants are too short, those two-tone brogues look silly, and your ascot makes you look like you're not wearing a shirt.

Ew, Francesca Hull is carrying a clutch that looks like a folded up glossy named Papa. Even real folded up glossies are not aesthetically pleasing, so why would anyone carry an imitation of something that is aesthetically not pleasing? Also is there any chance that dresses like the one Francesca is wearing are NOT designed to draw your attention to the rear-area? No...right?

It's hard to mess up a camel coat but Sarah Robinson and Matt Cardle manage it. They're both totally mismatched. She pairs a lazy, unappealing print dress, neutral peeptoe pumps and an ugly black bag with her long camel coat, and he pairs suede Chelsea boots and cuffed jeans with his trench. NO. The girls in the middle look pretty, if not unoriginal and verging on tacky, especially as we move from left to right: a refined navy dress, to a stiff taffeta dress that wants to eliminate the dress wearer's boobs, to full-on hideous leopard print, to a bridesmaid who had no say in her dress. I know it ain't easy to dress a pregnant belly, so I'm not going to rag on Sam Taylor Wood, but I will say that I don't believe her sweater dress would look good on anyone. Aaron Johnson looks like the scummy fourth Musketeer and I mean that as a compliment.

Is there any part of Gabriella Ellis's outfit that can be salvaged and brought over from the land of Trashiness to the land of All that is Good and Beautiful? Probably not. Maybe her gross fringe bag would look good with jeans and a blazer? PS, is there a way to wear a nameplate necklace without looking foolish, vain, and incredibly un-self-aware? Once again, no.... right?

Noelle Reno's form shorts and jacket are ruining lace for me. Also, if your necklace is dangling at sea-level with your vag, you might try a shorter necklace next time. The sequins on Joely Richardson's dress add unnecessary bulk. There's a reason why you don't see a lot of schoolgirl-inspired, A-line dresses covered completely in sequins, and that reason is this photo of Joely Richardson in front of you right now.

Daniel Craig is grimacing in every single photo of him from last night's premiere. The dude looks like he's lived hard, and now he's fucking pissed that he has to hang about a crowd that is all boobs and no style when he came dressed like a respectable gentleman. I'd like to think, in the rightmost photo, he's just standing back to observe the red carpet, utterly befuddled by the fuckery on display.