Herman Cain held a press conference this afternoon expressly to address the multitude of sexual misconduct allegations against him by speaking mostly in the third person and calling his accusers liars. When asked if he would take a lie detector test, he acquiesced— on the condition that it was over something significant. Which is basically a whole family sized nothing combo with a side of breadsticks.

One reporter, from the Los Angeles Times, flat out asked Cain if he believed in sexual harassment, since at this point it seems like more conservatives believe that the world was created in seven days about 6,000-some odd years ago than believe that it's possible for a man to be inappropriately sexually suggestive to a woman. He tap danced around that question using the same frustratingly opaque legalese he used during the bulk of the press conference, blaming everything from Democrats to some sort of machine of indeterminate size that existed to prevent a businessman from getting into the White House.

Important takeaways from the press conference: women are not to be believed, Herman Cain isn't seriously going to take a lie detector test, and there are giant terrible machines afoot.