Last night at the TV Guide Magazine Hot List Party, television stars weren't afraid to show their vampy side, or their sweet side, for that matter.

Zooey Deschanel's character in the New Girl has been looking so cute and loveable (I will say nothing of her onscreen personality,) so how come she's been showing up to events looking so wrinkly and tragic? Her hair is, as always, impossibly bouncy and scintillating. Elisha Cuthbert came in a fairly standard one-shoulder, all-black jumpsuit. And by fairly standard, I mean it seems like the long black jumpsuit is becoming a staple in Hollywood ever since Tyra wore twelve different custom made jumpsuits on Top Model. Kat Dennings has my heart, but I just can't get behind the clueless humor on her new show, and this grungy, 90's bodycon dress with mismatched earrings is not super defensible either.

I really do think Kym Johnson's sheer black dress could have been styled to look less... gross? Maybe it's the spray-on tan from the neck down, or the unappealing, standard pointy stilettos, or the horrible makeup, but everything about this look feels icky. Beth Behrs is in an adorable bright teal dress, but the neutral pumps and the severe bun puts a damper on the fun. She also looks slightly uncomfortable, probably because the hem of her dress is too short and too elastic. Ashley Madekwe is in one of my favorite outfits of the night. I love the pop of yellow, her swingy, aubergine, pleated schoolgirl skirt, and the subtle gold detail on her collar.

Man, I love satin like I love modern American poetry—a lot. But modern American poetry does not wrinkle after a few hours, and guess what? Satin does! Next time, do a different fabric, Taylor Armstrong. Lucy Hale and Christa B. Allen both have extremely nice, shiny hair, and are both wearing extremely dull, shiny dresses.

It's Blossom! Mayim Bialik is essentially in a glittery, shapeless sack of a dress with an elastic cinched waist. I should get over the show Blossom, but I just keep thinking, Blossom would have jazzed up that dress with a dope vest and a fun hat with a flower pinned to the front! Sasha Alexander's gunmetal dress is sort of mesmerizing. It's simple, but beautifully made and fits her perfectly. Caroline Sunshine's battered metal skirt really compliments her top, especially the unexpected delicateness of her lace sleeve. Now, that is the right way to do a metallic!

Debby Ryan looks a little like a nice working girl gone a tiny bit bad. Love the asymmetrical hem on her skirt, but her blouse is a little matronly. The gray bow on Malese Jow's dress is unnecessarily fussy, but otherwise it's a very cool dress. Vanessa Lengies manages to combine two of my favorite sartorial inspirations: Golden Girls and the Las Vegas strip. Not even kidding.

I suffered such an existential crisis when Tiffani Thiessen went from being Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell to Valerie Malone on 90210. Like how did Kelly Kapowski get so conniving and scary? Anyway, I love how vampy she looks here. Tabatha Coffey, how are you standing upright on those toothpick heels! She looks great in her all black ensemble, but I certainly don't want to be the bug that those heels walk over. Alexandra Breckenridge looks both gothy and innocent in her white button up shirt and black skirt. I'm a fan.

Ariel Winter is channeling some serious 90's Courtney Love vibes. I say, Wear puff sleeves and peter pan collars at any and every age! Jennifer Morrison shows the young'uns how it's done. Oh wait, she's kind of wearing a wrinkly pillow case, so just kidding, but her hair and make-up are fierce. Holland Roden is wearing the little black dress that I have idly sketched and dreamed about many a times. I always imagined the perfect LBD would be fitted on top, nipped at the waist, flare out perfectly at the hips, and have a hint of pleated, sheerness. Voilà!. Right before my eyes. Also, how great are her shoes? I love that shade of blue, and yet, I see it so rarely at red carpet events.

Ian Harding, Jason LaVeris, and Joey Lawrence all did a version of not wearing a button-up shirt underneath a jacket. I'm happy to see some navy blue on these dudes, but unhappy to further confirm that Joey Lawrence is no longer the ditzy heartthrob of my teenage dreams.

Tyler Blackburn looks really sloppy, and I swear I see off-duty female models strutting around the East Village in that exact outfit all the time. Colton Haynes is wearing a grandpa sweater that my own grandpa would probably never wear, but then again, my grandpa has great taste. In the end, two grown men were bested by Nolan Gould, who is essentially doing his best, "Line up right here, ladies," pose. Bravo.