Why pay your own when you can find a fancypants boyfriend — or, better, husband! — to do it for you? It's easy! Here's how to score yourself a human wallet.
Diane Passage, former Scores dancer and ex-wife of disgraced former Ponzi-scheming zillionaire Kenneth Starr, arrived in New York at age 18 with pockets just as empty as her dreams were big. After struggling for years to make it in business, she decided that her true calling was in using her gig as an exotic dancer to meet rich men and getting them to pay for all the expensive shit and happiness she had ever dreamed of— she married a multi millionaire and went to parties with Uma Thurman, for crying out loud— and now she's sharing her man-using techniques with the entire world.
Sure, Passage has been kicked out of the $7.5 million condo that Starr bought for her with money he stole from his clients, and sure, she's now living in an apartment in Midtown while she attempts to rekindle her hustling spirit. But while her fortune has taken a decidedly downward turn of late, she's undaunted. Passage wants every woman to know how to take men for all they're worth, and we want women who want to take men for all they're worth to know how pretend that's not what they're doing. Let's take a look at the woman's advice, and add some of our own.
Passage says: A friend of mine who was a dancer at a club once gave me the advice to always enter a room "proud as a peacock" — stand up straight and move confidently.
We say: Convince your target rich dude that you don't need the money, and there's no better way to do that than acting fancy, for that will convince men that you are actually fancy. Consider using your most fancy velvet curtains and fashion yourself a dress out of them that you only wear on fanciest dates. You're also going to need a fur. Many cities are experiencing rodent overpopulation problems now, and rats have fur, so why not kill two birds (rats) with one stone and just make yourself a ratskin muff or stole?
Passage says: Whether your goals are serious, fun or both — never think you can't have it all!
We say: Paint one of those money-raising goal thermometers on a prominent wall in your apartment. At the top, put some absurd amount of money, like $236 million or something, and then mark increments on the thermometer. Fill the thermometer up halfway, and that way, your unwitting rich man-target will think that you're both independently wealthy and goal-oriented.
Passage says: People do crazy things under deadlines. An acquaintance of mine stalked a man because she was obsessed with getting married before the age of 35.
We say: Make him set a deadline. Tell the guy that you have six months to live and that you always dreamed of getting married in a beautiful puffy princess ceremony, like in every Nicholas Sparks novel ever. He'll do it because he'll figure what the hell, she'll be dead soon and I'm super rich. And then during the honeymoon, you're magically cured. Just don't ever tell him that you lied, as fraud like that is legal grounds for annulment in most states.
Passage says: As the person who's fishing, I'm able to lead my "fish," so I have the advantage of getting what I want. My bait: smile, hair, makeup, clothing, stilettos and either legs or cleavage (never both at the same time). My hook: a flirty, mysterious demeanor.
We say: Be careful to avoid stabbing your dates by putting corks over the sharp end of the hook concealed by your elaborate Ceci n'est pas une shameless pursuer of your money costume.
Passage says: It might sound like an outdated cliché, but if you're a woman, you should never reach into your wallet while you're in the presence of a man.
We say: Don't carry a purse and wear clothing that is conspicuously pocketless. Wear a price tag as a necklace. If he asks about it, play it off like it's sarcastic commentary on the sexual politics of modern dating and of course your love don't cost a thing. You're like J.Lo — don't be fooled by these rocks that I got! But seriously, pay for dinner, please. Explaining that was exhausting for the ladybrain.
Passage says: My presence is a gift. Know your value — and not in dollar amounts.
We say: Carry around several punch cards and every time he irritates you, not-so-subtly take out the punch card and punch a hole with a special star shaped hole punch. If he asks what it's for, say "Oh, nothing." When pressed, tell him that when he fills up a card, he has to buy you a new pair of shoes. Sorry, store policy.
Passage says: Allow your man to believe he is in charge. Men like to play the dominant role in relationships, so why not encourage the fantasy?
We say: Allow your man to believe that you're a dangerous, highly-evolved shape-shifting robot so they're too terrified to not comply with what they believe are your wishes.
Happy secret gold digging!
Image via Icons Jewelry/Shutterstock