Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where we let the gossipy bugs of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Us and Life & Style crawl all over us. This week: Angelina is pissed that Brad's assistant has been assisting him; Jennifer Aniston might wear jeans to her beach wedding; Lindsay Lohan's face has been pumped full of chemicals; and Kim Kardashian's inevitable honeymoon pics are kuddly and kute.
"New Homes For New Babies!"
These babies do not exist, yet they require expensive real estate properties. For instance: Jennifer Aniston is moving to New York to have a baby with her boyfriend, Justin Theroux. The copy reads: "Friends say the two will be ensconced in Manhattan before the end of the summer." Since Labor Day hovers on the horizon, Janthrax is running out of time! Also: "Jen hopes to become pregnant before her new NYC digs are even ready." So she'd better hurry. And she'd better get ready for Justin to "introduce her to an NYC she's never experienced." See, she's an uptown girl, and he's a dive-bar guy. Will it work? Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian and her new husband are planning on joining the NYC social scene. They want to go to all the Broadway shows, museums and gallery openings. And Kim has "babies on the brain," which sounds both dangerous and painful, but surely quickly solved via outpatient surgery. Also inside: Jennifer Garner's daughters are excited that she is pregnant and are coming up with Disney character-inspired names for the baby. Fingers crossed for Shere Khan Affleck. Finally, Miley Cyrus's heavily tattooed 22-year-old brother Trace has impregnated his girlfriend, Disney starlet and Social Network actress Brenda Song. The scenario is a pop hit waiting to be written.
Grade: F (fire ants in your pants)
"Inside Jen's Beach Wedding!"
Here's a story that really gives the English language's conditional tense a good workout. If Jen gets married then she will have a small, low-key ceremony. She might even wear jeans and flip-flops. Jen has asked Courtney Cox to serve as a witness at this hypothetical ceremony, and a "friend" says: "Jen had her dream wedding with Brad. But Justin is her dream husband." Next: There's no confession in the piece titled "Jessica's Surgery Confession," but we're meant to believe that Jessica Simpson wants a breast reduction. The item begins with a sentence from the Department of Redundancy Department: "Most women would kill for killer cleavage." Also inside: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are "living a lie." They're using their combined acting skills to make it seem like everything is okay, staging photos in which they smile while walking down the street and so on — and claiming that their marriage is in tact. But it's all for the sake of the kids, Jaden and Willow. Also, Jennifer Lopez suspected something was up between Marc Anthony and Jada on the set of HawthorRNe all along. And she might seem fine and happy but she's actually really down and crying all the time. Sniff. In Shiloh Jolie-Pitt news, she likes to run around the house saying she is Ben 10 and asking if anybody knows where Shiloh is. Finally: John Mayer is accomplishing what so many men have tried, and failed to do: Morphing into Johnny Depp. (see Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (house centipede scurrying down your back)
Life & Style
A British dude on vacation in Amalfi, Italy, witnessed Kim Kardashian buying two home pregnancy tests in the pharmacy. "She didn't speak any Italian and looked a bit embarrassed," quoth the dude. This article is accompanied by a sidebar titled "All Signs Point To Pregnancy." (See Fig. 2) Kim, like many people on vacation, has been wearing flats, eating ice cream and looking exhausted. Using this logic, everyone at Disney World is pregnant. Next: LeAnn "Look At My Body" Rimes wore three bikinis in one day, hoping you would look at her body. LOOK AT HER BODY. (See Fig. 3) Taylor Swift is dating Jason Mraz. She's already ticked John Mayer off of her list, so maybe on her tour of dark-haired white boy singer-songwriters she'll hit Josh Groban and Gavin DeGraw next? Did you know that Halle Berry gets her hair cut every 10 days? "When you have short hair like this, it grows out," she says. Lastly, "Mommy In The Morning, Glam At Night" features actresses who manage to mother children and wear evening gowns. Weird but true.
Grade: D (tarantula tiptoeing over your toes)
"Angie Tells Brad: Get Out!"
Angelina is still livid that Brad's assistant, 25-year-old Lara Marsden, is always around him, taking care of his needs. Apparently Lara even brings tea to Brad's trailer, a highly inappropriate thing for an assistant to do. Angelina got so pissed that she took Brad into a private room at the estate they're renting in Scotland, "pushed him against a wall, pointed her finger in his face and confronted him about his on-set relationship with Lara. Angie and Brad's "bitter showdown" means that they are not speaking to each other right now. But Angie should have Googled Lara! According to her MySpace profile, if she could go on a date with anyone, it would not be Brad Pitt, it would be Johnny Depp, "not just because he's so handsome and I want to have a million of his babies, but because I think he's a splendid actor!" Let's move on. Lindsay Lohan looked "haggard" and "over processed" at Kim Kardashian's wedding to Kris, because she's pumped her face full of fillers. Allegedly. (See Fig. 4) In addition, Lindsay followed Ryan Seacrest around at the KKK nuptials, begging him to create a show for her like he did for Kim. But when LL walked away, ryan would roll his eyes and giggle. War is hell, and Victoria Beckham is in an "all-out battle with her bulge." She's lost 30 lbs. in 30 days by starving herself and working out as much as her doctor will allow. Plus, she's on something called the Five Hands diet, where you eat five handfuls of food a day. One of her recent handfuls was sea bass, which just sounds awkward and uncouth. Pippa Middleton and boyfriend Alex Loudon are in love and have the same birthday — September 6 — and since that is so rare, they're getting married. Alex will propose on that day. Not only are Will and Jada secret Scientologists, they're both gay. A man told the New York Post: "I was one of Will's boyfriends… I think we all get a max of four months [with Will], then he moves on." A Hollywood madam says Will placed an order with her — for a man. And a "friend" claims: "If Jada is going to hook up with anyone, it's going to be a woman." Someone else says, "They are allowed to do whatever they want anyway, so why divorce?" Good point. Ryan Reynolds is making plans to adopt Sandra Bullock's 19-month-old son, Louis, and planning on getting married to Sandy. Then they'll adopt a little sister for Louis and live happily ever after. J'ethroux news: Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux had their first fight while on vacay in Hawaii. She insisted on applying makeup before going to the beach and complained about the lines on her neck. Then he overheard her on the phone talking about how urgently she needed Botox. "Justin flipped." He hates women who are needy and whiny. And by the time they flew back to L.A., they weren't even speaking to each other. Ouch. Lastly: Blind item! "Which Hollywood power couple is ready to pull the plug on their marriage? A hint: The union is only three years old — and produced a daughter." Any guesses?
Grade: D+ (bumble bee buzzing between your breasts)
"Kim's Honeymoon Album."
If you want six pages of heavens-no-not-at-all-staged pictures of Kim and Kris kanoodling and kavorting all over Italy, this is the magazine for you. You can see Kim holding an apple for Kris to bite into as they sit submerged in a swimming pool. You can see Kim in a bikini, standing by a railing, gazing dreamily out to sea as Kris stands behind her, dumbfounded in swimtrunks. Here's Kim lying on top of Kris in a lounge chair. There's Kris placing his arm around Kim as she wears a $179 beach cover-up. And lots of talk of babies. Let's move on. Jared Gilmore, the 11-year-old kid who played Betty Draper's son on Mad Men, quit to be on ABC's Once Upon A Time. When asked to offer advice to his replacement, he says: "Be careful around January [Jones]. She's not as approachable as the others." Oh, snap. Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon had lunch at a steakhouse in LA on August 26 and discussed their mutual ex, Jake Gyllenhaal. "They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," says a source. "They laughed about it." Beyoncé is excited to have a baby, but so is Jay-Z: "Jay didn't have a father in his life, so he wants to be an amazing dad," an insider says. Finally: Jen and Justin's "little love nest" in Beverly Hills is a 1,761-square-foot house they're renting for $17,500 a month. Adorable.
Grade: C- (moth lands on your mouth)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from Life & Style
Fig. 4, from Star