Jersey Shore, which is pretty much the Citizen Kane of reality TV, will be back for a fifth season. Its fourth season is currently filming in Italy. The fifth will film in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The sixth will film from the bowels of hell and will feature each cast member tormenting the people who have committed the deadly sin to which they correspond. The Situation is Lust. Pauly D gets the pride. Ronni's roidy wrath will torture the angry. Snooki's multiple public drunken shenanigans makes her a perfect candidate to render punishments to the Gluttonous. Sammi is sloth because that girl is constantly going to bed in a huff. Deposed cast member Angelina gets envy, Vinny gets despair, which leaves Deena for greed, even though they're all probably greedy. JWoww has been omitted from this list because she'll ascend to heaven before being cast into the abyss. [Perez]
Charlie Sheen is to be written out of Two And A Half Men by having his character move to Paris, where he and Dominique Strauss-Kahn will frolic and play and grabass with each other forever. [Digital Spy]
The cast of Fast Times at Ridgemont High will be reuniting at some Spike TV Dudliest Dude Moments thing this evening. Sean Penn will join his fellow fast times-havers, via satellite, from that weird salt-heaven place in which he walks around ponderously in The Tree of Life. Fast Times at Fundamental Questions of Existence. [Digital Spy]
Eva Mendes doesn't cook. She's also 37 and not married to her long term partner and totally fine with it. I know a few great aunts whose heads would explode if they ever met Eva Mendes. [Contact Music]
David Beckham's son Brooklyn was photographed with his arm around Gordon Ramsay's daughter, fueling speculation that the tweens may be an item, and prompting me to silently register the domain name "Hell's Kickin.'" [Express.co.uk]
Ramona Singer of The Real Housewives of The Fields and Fields of Tastelessly Decorated McMansions has denied having a drinking problem. I don't know, Ramona. What about all those scenes of you doing crazy Pinot Grigio bongs and winebox stands while surrounded by dozens of other peri-menopausal upper middle class white ladies cheer in the background? What about those? [Digital Spy]
Cheryl Cole has been asked to return to The X Factor. I have already expended the maximum number of fucks to give regarding the judging panel of The X Factor. Hire whoever, you guys. I don't care. Hire that sassy little Palin girl or a beagle puppy or Shaq or one of those sexy robots from the vodka ads. [Digital Spy]
Country singer Trace Adkins lost his home to a fire yesterday afternoon. He and his family were not hurt, but the home was "a total loss." Just when my childhood neuroses have laid dormant for awhile, something like this happens to revive them, and for the next several months, every time I see a firetruck, I'll worry it's headed to my apartment building. Thanks, fire! You big jerk! [HuffPo]
Brendan Frasier and Matt Dillon will be starring in a movie called Freaky Deaky. In my mind, this is a family comedy about a haunted house from 1993. I am 10 years old and will be renting this for my next sleepover. On the cover of the VHS tape, Brendan Frasier and Matt Dillon are comically fearful and hugging each other while screaming, and there are several ghost fart jokes in the film. [Digital Spy]
Most globally relevant headline of June 2011 thus far: Sweaty Pippa Middleton Collides with Topless Man at Triathlon." The other day, Pippa Middleton was running in a race and ran into someone. Has the royal bloodline been permanently sullied?! [US]
Jennifer Hudson has been cast in the new Three Stooges film. Maybe she'll play Shemp! [Digital Spy]