Man Ejaculates Into Female Coworker's Water Bottle As Sign of Adoration

One California man is redefining the DoubleShot infused specialty drink by including his spooj in a female coworker’s drink.

According to the Long Beach Press-Telegram, Michael Kevin Lallana was convicted of battery for the skillful act of stealth ejaculation in the bottle of his colleague, known in court proceedings as “Tiffany.”

She realized something was amiss when she took a sip of her water and realized it tasted semen-y. When asked why and how he committed the super weird and gross act,

“I saw her water bottle and I did it,” Lallana says on a tape of the police interview. “For me, it’s a release. I think about my wife.”

Lallana also said in the interview that he found Tiffany attractive.

“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said.

Congressional conservatives are clamoring that the man be slapped with a creating life sentence for egregious Onanism, but Lallana’s defense could argue that since he managed to get all of it in that water bottle, the seed wasn’t technically spilled.

Man Convicted of Ejaculating Into Female Coworker’s Water Bottle To Be Sentenced [Long Beach Press-Telegram]