New Study Analyzes Internet, Concludes Literally Everyone is a Sex Freak

Researchers spent years analyzing a billion web searches and discovered that people who use the internet are a bunch of deviants, but that in a world where everyone’s a deviant, the very concept of deviance dissolves. Whoa.

The study was conducted by former MIT researcher Ogi Ogas. Some of the conclusions that he reached sound a little goofy- that men love feet, especially small feet, because the miniature fertility scientist that lives inside the mind of every turned on man knows that small feet indicate higher levels of estrogen production and therefore greater fertility, for example- but the study turned up some interesting information on individuals’ porn viewing preferences. It’s weird, dear readers. Punch line in teen sex comedy weird.

According to the New York Post,

Among their more surprising findings: Straight men enjoy a wider variety of erotica than imagined, including sites devoted to elderly women and transsexuals. Foot fetishes aren’t a deviance; men are evolutionarily wired to look for small feet, which are a sign of high estrogen production, which itself is a sign of fertility. Gay men and straight men have nearly identical brains, and their favorite body parts, in order of preference, line up exactly: chests, buttocks, feet. Straight men prefer heavy women to thin ones. Straight women enjoy reading about and watching romances between two men – it’s not about the sex, which is downplayed, but the emotion, which is the focus. (The largest audience for “Brokeback Mountain,” says the book, was straight women.) Straight men have a fascination with other men’s penises, which may be conscious or unconscious.

While the researchers in charge of the study have yet to find a man who admits to watching granny porn (for all they know, rather than many men kind of mildly enjoying granny porn, it could be one guy in New Jersey really, really, really, really, really enjoying granny porn and throwing their numbers off) and I could have told you that thing about a noteworthy number of guys thinking boobs are neat or being fascinated by dicks, dicks, dicks, all the live long day, this is fascinating and appeals to my deeply paranoid side that believes that everyone in the world is full of shameful secrets. As an aspiring blackmailer, this bodes well for my future professional prospects.

The study found some interesting information, but I wouldn’t start darting my eyes around at my crazy suspected-of-having-a-dungeon-in-their-basement neighbors just yet. Porn viewing habits aren’t necessarily indicative of actual sexual practice; wanting to watch something in video form and wanting to actually participate in something yourself are two very different things, just as watching romantic comedies doesn’t necessarily indicate that I wish to fall in love with Matthew McConaughey. I know plenty of women who have watched porn involving group sex or bukkake who would never be turned on by personally participating in either. The opposite can be true as well; I’ve never watched a full pornographic film and I’m completely depraved.

I can also see data from this type of study misused to support the idea that entire genders perform in predictable and stereotypical ways. Just because men tend to be more visually stimulated, as a population, doesn’t mean that every individual man is more into looking at sexy things than every individual woman, a fact that I’m sure will be lost in a frustrating debate that you’ll have with some mansplainer at a party in a few months. “Bla bla study concluded that women don’t like porn that doesn’t focus on FEELINGS,” he’ll say, smelling of bourbon, “ERGO every single woman’s individual behavior mirrors the behavior of the population with respect to the male population. It’s science.”

Not necessarily, dude. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some internet surfing to do. All this transsexual grandma foot porn isn’t going to watch itself.