Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for hot, delicious morsels of truth in the bread baskets of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Life & Style and Us. This week, Mariah Carey invites us in to gawk at the elaborate nurseries created for her unborn twins; the lady who agreed to marry the robot from The Bachelor is all potato, potahto, let's call the whole thing off; and JWoww's ex-boyfriend Tom claims that the Jersey Shore star stabbed him with a steak knife. Oh, and Lindsay Lohan has been drinking again (allegedly!), but you knew that.

"Fight For The Twins"
Teen Mom's Leah is battling her ex, Corey, for custody of the twins. But! Corey's father vows to "spend as much as he has to insure that Corey gets custody." This is, of course, according to an insider. Apparently this was a marriage of convenience, although we don't know how that works, since she didn't need to get married to get cash from MTV. The kid with the glasses is the meal ticket! An insider says: "Leah is a good mother, but a terrible wife." Leah had the audacity to go to a party with a guy who'd gotten into a fight with Corey over a DIFFERENT girl, and when Corey found out about that, he was officially done with her. Corey stopped having sex with Leah and attacked her verbally about her stretch marks. Later she caught him on the couch watching pornography. Yeah, okay. Anyway. Let's move on: Rihanna hooked up with Usher at Coachella! They were seen being flirty at a party — and left holding hands! Even though Leonardo DiCaprio chatted her up, she went home with Urrrsher. Angelina might be pregnant, not just because of that 7th tattoo but because she wore a bulky jacket, "that seemed to camouflage an abdominal extension!" That's the first time we've ever heard a belly referred to that way. Jessica Biel was spotted "seeking spiritual solace" at the airport. On her way to the Caribbean, she was seen reading Life And Teaching Of The Masters Of The Far East. Breakup zen. Next: As soon as Jennifer Aniston heard that Bradley Cooper was back on the market, she had her assistants call him. One of the best reasons to have an assistant! They dated in 2009, and she was "left embarrassed" after he dumped her to get serious with Renée Zellweger instead. Now, Jen is "quietly confident" about their future, but taking it slowly, and not waiting by the phone, obvs. FYI: Kirstie Alley has lost 30 lbs. since joining Dancing With The Stars. When Suri Cruise turned 5 recently, she had not one but two birthday parties. Kirstie Alley, Conan O'Brien and the Beckhams were in attendance! The first bash had face and nail painting, a petting zoo and swimming — and then home movies documenting Suri's short but full life. The second celebration was brunch at a Scientology Center, boo. Yuck. Lastly: Prince William "genuinely" fears for Kate's life — even though they're spending $32 million on security — he's afraid anarchists or terrorists will target the wedding procession. Kind of scary.
Grade: F (stale bread crumbs)

"Meltdowns! Hookups! Feuds!"
So. When Kirstie Alley first joined Dancing With The Stars, everyone thought she was really strange because she always wanted to be in control. She brought her own dress to wear, that "people" had to bejewel for her. She also brought her own makeup and was concerned about how it was applied, SO WEIRD. But now! She's "given into the process," and everyone loves her. She's like the den mother. So, really, she had no meltdown, hookup, or feud. But she has been hanging out and hitting the clubs with her dance partner Maks, and Cheryl Burke, and people think it's because Cheryl has been hooking up with Maks. So hookup by association? The other hookup happening is Chelsea Kane and Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach (Lauren Conrad's ex). Oh, and Mark Ballas is dating Pia Toscano. The "meltdown" is coming from Kendra. You may not know this, but it's impossible to juggle motherhood and dancing. Kendra is "buckling under the stress." Carrie Ann Inaba told Kendra she was "afraid of elegance," and Kendra said, "I just don't care about it," and her partner, Louis Vam Amstel, was super disappointed — causing Kendra to crumple to the ground. And then she was crying uncontrollably backstage. So much drama. Moving along: It is "simply not true" that Bradley Cooper wants to pursue a romance with Jennifer Aniston. The main reason? His dad died, and dating is the last thing on his mind. Also, he doesn't want to be known as Mr. Jennifer Aniston. Sigh. Here is a quote from Gwyneth Paltrow: "We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden — a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made." Aziz Ansari witnessed an odd moment with 50 Cent: "He looks at the waiter and goes, 'Why isn't this purple?' I realized, Oh my god, 50 Cent has no idea what a grapefruit is." Guess Fiddy was hoping for GRAPE fruit juice. Teen Mom's Jenelle Evans pleaded guilty to possession of drug paraphernalia on April 15. Ke$ha is in PETA's new ad campaign targeting baby seal clubbing (see it here!). Glee's Chord Overstreet was seen making out with Emma Roberts at a Coachella party, but by the next day, they'd cooled off: She was leaning into him and he was more interested in food. Afterglow? LeAnn Rimes went to Chuck E. Cheese with her fiancé's ex, Brandi Glanville, so they're in a "cease-fire." Chuck E. Cheese is Switzerland. Or the DMZ. Kate Middleton may wear her hair half up and half down for the Royal Wedding, but a Royal Hair Stylist — who is NOT working with Princess Shinylocks — wishes she would reconsider. "Hair that's down is unpredictable," quoth he. Ain't that the truth. Also, William and Kate have to practice the kiss they will do on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, because if the angle of approach is even slightly off, there will be blockage, and world could miss out on the moment! It's like landing a 747 on a crumpet. Ashley Judd revealed many personal details in her new memoir, but her husband continues to support her. Shocking, we know. They even had dinner with her mom last week! The Teen Mom story here alleges that Corey "betrayed" Leah. She thinks that he cheated — and just three weeks before the wedding, he was flirting with chicks at the local Dairy Queen, and even picked one up from work. Also? The day they filed for divorce, Corey was "swapping amorous Facebook messages" with a chick who works at Subway. They met that night at Wal-Mart, and there are so many chain store names in this story we can't even go on. Lastly, here's a wardrobe insight from Jessica Simpson: "If I don't show my collarbone, I skew uni-boob."
Grade: D- (broken cracker dust)

Life & Style
"Why Emily Left Brad."
The story here begins thusly: "It was the phone call Emily Maynard never wanted to make — but knew she had to." So yeah. They broke up. Emily told Brad that she can't picture them getting married, according to a source. She removed her $90,000 Neil Lane engagement ring, so you know something is not right. Basically, Brad was being a bad boyfriend. He'd go days without calling, he had terrible temper, and he was drunk all the time. Emily used to post "affectionate" notes about Brad on her Twitter account, but she hasn't mentioned him since April 2nd — and he's DELETED his account, so you know it's over. Apparently ABC prevents both kids from speaking about the relationship without permission. And this is an actual sentence in the story: "Though the network can't force them to stay together, they have encouraged Emily to try to work things out with Brad, because they want Bachelor couples to make it down the aisle." So the show doesn't seem like the sham that it is. Moving on: Suri Cruise was out with her mom and dad, having dinner at 10:15 pm, and was "sound asleep" in Tom's arms. Katie decided to wake her up for dessert. Big mistake. Suri threw a tantrum. Then, after eating some sugary sweets, she started "acting erratically." "She put her hands in a glass and proceeded to pour water on her head," says a fellow diner. The paparazzi was there to capture pictures of Suri making faces (see Fig. 1) Scarlett Johansson is dating Sean Penn because she has "major abandonment issues." Her parents got divorced when she was 13, and Spicoli is like a father figure. She once said she was drawn to older men — "they understand women more." Time to get depressed about your finances: Jersey Shore's Pauly D makes $500,000 a month, between Djing, his Miracle Whip commercial, his greeting cards and his iPad app. He's also getting a spinoff series, don't forget! Next, there are eight pastel pages devoted to Mariah Carey and the nurseries where her unborn twins will live — one in LA and one in New York. (see Fig. 2)In an exclusive interview with the mag, Mimi says: "You can't study how to be the perfect mom — that's not reality. You just have to try as hard as you can, pray and use your life experiences to guide you through every situation." Wise words! And the Roberto Cavalli outfits she's already got for the kids don't hurt either! Mariah has been working even while on bedrest, but says "It's been therapeutic." She recorded a duet with Tony Bennett from her guest bedroom, and also wrote a song for charity. Final words from MC: "I miss wearing heels."
Grade: D (sesame seeds)

In Touch
"Babies In Danger."
More Teen Mom crap! Leah is fearing for the safety of her twins, Aleeah and the one with the glasses, because her soon-to-be-ex-husband Corey has a temper. During a recent argument, according to an "insider" Corey smacked Leah across the face with a manila folder to quiet her down while he was on the phone. Not cool, bro. He's also said to Leah, "I feel like snapping." Scary. In other Teen Mom news, Jenelle's baby is ALSO in danger, because she is spending most of her money on her "drifter boyfriend" Keiffer Delp. "Drifter" seems to be a euphemism for "black" or "stoner." Anyway, Jenelle bailed him out of jail, bought him a $6,000 laptop, a $300 dog as a get-out-of-jail-gift, and also got him $1,000 worth of clothes. Oh, and a Jetta. Meanwhile, she hasn't spent a dime on her son, Jace, and is homeless and "has nothing." These poor kids. MTV should really foot the bill for financial advisors. And therapists. Moving on: There's more about Suri's tantrum here, including advice from Jo Frost of TV's SuperNanny. She says: "Children function best when things are predictable." Also, moving meal times around can play havoc with a kid's blood sugar levels. Anyway, we really just like these amazing photographs of Suri whipping her hair back and forth like a Willow Smith protegee. (See Fig. 3) Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston are "headed for heartbreak," but he's wooing Jen "and she likes it." Next, The Queen is giving Kate Middleton a million dollar diamond tiara as a wedding gift! We just don't know which tiara she'll get. Cameron Diaz and A-Rod are "ready to wed" and "headed to the altar." Laurieann Gibson, Lady Gaga's choreographer — who was Diddy's drill sergeant on Making The Band and is getting her own show — says of Gaga: "I actually developed Lady Gaga from the beginning. A lot of what happens on stage has been birthed out of my gift. Would Lady Gaga survive the industry in four years after being dropped from two deals? I'm sorry, no! Laurieann Gibson delivered her." Whoa. Speaking of Judas! Lastly: Justin Timberlake is losing his hair and has a receding hairline! He's horrified by his thinning mane, "which could easily ruin his dating game." Or NOT.
Grade: D (stray croissant flakes)

"Lindsay Wasted Again!"
Some dude named Keith Middlebrook met Lindsay Lohan a couple of months ago when he talked to her about starring in a movie he was considering financing. They hung out a few times, and now he's sold his story to Star! Keith claims that Lindsay checked into the Chateau Marmont under the name Miss Lily Flowers, using his American Express card. She was there for two nights — in room 64 — and she was drinking Red Bull with vodka. Keith says "That's her favorite drink." Keith paid for her cocktails and dinners, and has the receipts to prove it, but is also kind of an asshole maybe? Because who takes receipts to Star magazine? Moving along. Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are "fighting already." He confronted her about her drinking, smoking and weight gain, which is just a little TOO much like a father figure, in our opinion. She wants to lose weight, but she doesn't want Sean TELLING her she should, duh. When they go out to dinner, she orders salads and Sean orders burgers, which is cruel, says a source. But guess who ScarJo went to visit on April 13? Bradley Cooper. DUN DUN DUN. Next, Tom Lippolis, the ex-boyfriend of Jenni "JWoww" Farley, claims that after he spoke to another woman at a Long Island nightclub, JWoww stabbed him through the arm with a kitchen knife. This right here is a world-exclusive interview and includes fuzzy phone pix of Tom's stitches. (see Fig. 4) "Jenni put a kitchen knife through my entire arm," says Tom. He got 37 stitches and says, "I thought she was going to kill me." She also attacked him with a fireplace poker. "A woman simply asked me to pose for a picture with her," says Tom. There's even a picture of JWoww holding a knife down by her side. "I had no idea what I was going to do with the pictures, but my instinct told me to document everything," says Tom. He drove himself to the hospital and lied about his injuries, telling doctors he hurt himself with a hand saw. "I purposefully didn't call the police, I wanted to guard her for some reason. I didn't want her to get in trouble." And have a world exclusive! "I fell in love with Jenni Farley, but it was JWoww who ruined the romance," sighs Tom. Okay. Kate Middleton and Prince William will get Kensington Palace after the wedding, and Kate "loves the manicured gardens, the large rooms and the helicopter pad." Last, but not least, Jim Carrey had a "wild night" recently. A friend of his named Frederic met four women at a sports bar in Hollywood and invited them to party with Jim in a scheme to cheer the actor up. When the ladies got to Jim's house, he was "ecstatic." He immediately fetched drinks and smoked weed with his sexy new friends. Then he had a great idea: To paint the walls! And use one of the chicks as a brush. A young lady named Karyna "dropped her clothes" and "Jim smeared black paint all over her naked body." He was "rubbing his hands all over her bare flesh" and "roughly pressing her up against the wall." He even got a ladder so she could leave marks higher up. A source, who we have to assume is Karyna, says: "I wouldn't be surprised if Jim ended up seeing a lot more of Karyna later on." Neither would we.
Grade: B- (tiny scrap of marble rye)


Fig. 1, from Life & Style (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2, from Life & Style (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3, from In Touch(click to enlarge)

Fig. 4, from Star (click to enlarge)