Beware Tonight's Super Extreme Supermoon

On this very day, a very full moon (the biggest one in almost 20 years) is slated to swing extremely close around the Earth and you know what that means…

We’re all going to die.

Here. Let Richard Nolle (“a noted astrologer”) explain the supermoon to you in the simplest of terms:

“When the moon goes super-extreme, Nolle says, chaos will ensue: Huge storms, earthquakes, volcanoes and other natural disasters can be expected to wreak havoc on Earth.”

Wow. What perfect timing. We just so happen to have a wicked mysterious supermoon in our midst mere days after a natural disaster occurred. Coincidence? MAYBE NOT (say astrologers clamoring to take credit for totally calling this one)!

Or (according to James Garvin, chief scientist at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center) maybe, definitely, yes:

“The effects on Earth from a supermoon are minor,” says NASA’s Garvin, “and according to the most detailed studies by terrestrial seismologists and volcanologists, the combination of the moon being at its closest to Earth in its orbit, and being in its ‘full moon’ configuration (relative to the Earth and sun), should not affect the internal energy balance of the Earth, since there are lunar tides every day.”