This Week In Tabloids: Justin Trousersnake Is A Terrible Boyfriend

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we pick up the hands we’re dealt by In Touch, Star, Ok! and Us. In the cards this week: Kim Kardashian’s hypothetical wedding sounds elaborate; Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock are bonding because they’re both Women Who Were Wronged; and Justin Timberlake is a cheating cheater.

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Ok!
“Kim’s Dream Wedding.”
Kim Kardashian’s friends say that we can expect an engagement announcement very soon! Kris Humphries is going to propose. Kim allegedly talks about the nuptials a lot, and wants a huge event, bigger than the royal wedding. Insiders say she’s already spoken to Vera Wang, and has chosen a design — but, of course, she’ll have more than one dress. Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle, but to honor her father, Kim will incorporate Armenian wedding traditions. This piece is accompanied by lots of tidbits of things Kim MIGHT do IF she gets married — the ring she COULD have, hairstyles she MIGHT wear, etc. That’s what makes it a Kardashian “exclusive” cover story. Note that there are no new quotes from the Kardashians, and this cover image is a cobbled-together abomination.Next up: Justin Timberlake has already moved on from Jessica Biel by secretly dating Mila Kunis. They’ve been talking and texting! Still, it’s all on the DL — Mila played a younger Angelina Jolie in Gia, but “doesn’t want to be saddled with the same man-stealer rep.” Say what now?
Grade: F (fold)

Life & Style
“Two More Babies!”
Putting the Teen Moms on the cover with the line “two more babies” is very misleading. The first “baby” story: Megan Nelson, the former roommate of Chelsea from Teen Mom is knocked up. This is the third friend of Chelsea’s to get pregnant, and Chelsea is disappointed in all of them — though she has deleted some recent Twitter rants which said so. Is Megan just trying to get famous? She has a Facebook fan page where she’s hosting a look-alike contest. The second baby story? Leah from Teen Mom would possibly like to have another baby — in ten years. Cover story fail! Next: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are “fighting” over custody of Bronx. Ashlee filed for primary physical custody; Pete filed for joint physical and legal custody. An insider says Ashlee is in talks with Oxygen to do a reality show, and if Bronx is going to be on the program, she’ll need Pete’s permission. Kody Brown, the guy from Sister Wives, has 16 kids and would like to have more. Brad and Emily from The Bachelor have been “on and off” since the proposal and “bickering like and old married couple.” Or! Like two people who should not get married! Jessica Biel has was purposely photographed smiling and without sunglasses in the wake the news that she’d broken up with Justin Timberlake. A psychiatrist who has never met either of these people says, “If she hadn’t given him an ultimatum about marriage, and given him another four years, he wouldn’t have married her anyway.” Alrighty! Lastly, Eva Longoria “can’t wait” for Eduardo Cruz to move in and spend every day with her! She was overheard saying so during an “intense” makeout session at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (ace of spades)

In Touch
“Bachelor Betrayed!”
The Bachelor‘s Emily Maynard has been secretly setting up dates with another man in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. He’s a car dealership owner named Brett J. Barniske-Bertolami. They dated before she was on the show, and after Emily left to shoot the after the final rose episode, Brett was seen showing pictures of Emily on his phone to people at a bar. Brett says he won’t go out with an engaged person — but we already know that Emily is not engaged! So. Anyway. Would you believe the folks from Sister Wives are pro-gay marriage? Kody says: “I actually think the state should never be involved in marriage.” One of his wives, Janelle, agrees: “Every adult should have the right to marry and love who they want.” Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock are “bonding over their breakups.” Basically, Jen, Courteney Cox and their friends call themselves the First Wives club, and Sandy is invited to join. Which “breakup” is Jen supposedly getting over? Oh, you know: Brad. The mag claims Jen went through “similar humiliation” when Brad left her for Angie, so she knows how Sandra is feeling. Gah. In Pete and Ashlee news, she originally told him to move out of the house, but now she’s letting him live there while she stays with her parents. Compromise! Ryan Phillippe didn’t tell Amanda Seyfried about Alexis Knapp getting pregnant when he first heard about it — instead he suggested Alexis get an abortion. She refused. Amanda is “torn apart” about whether or not to stay with Ryan, sigh. Sean Penn is still in love with Robin Wright, according to a source, so Scarlett Johansson may end up “devastated.” Miley Cyrus has spent $1 million this year, and it’s only March. She dropped half of it on part-ownership of a private jet; the other half on clothes, jewelry and furniture. Perhaps she gets her salvia for free. Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are trying to buy Nahla’s love! Halle spent $4,000 on toys and stuffed animals for her daughter’s birthday, and Gabriel ordered a $500 birthday cake. Lastly, Jessica Simpson’s fiancé Eric Johnson is a stage five clinger. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D (high card)

Us
“How He Broke Her Heart.”
What we have here is a six page evisceration of the Trousersnake as a boyfriend. The deck reads, “Justin Timberlake often told the other women he and Jessica Biel were over. Now it’s finally true.” Sometime after his birthday on January 31, Justin told Jessica what he’d been “telling friends for years” — that he didn’t want to marry her. But! He didn’t admit to cheating, even though everyone knows about it. Each time something came out about Justin and another woman, he’d tell Jessica it was hearsay. The mag does a run-down of JT’s exploits, including the “amazing sex” he was having with Olivia Munn; his pursuit of Mila Kunis; a 2007 hookup with a woman he met in a bar and talked to for 15 minutes (they went to her place and did it, then he went back to the bar); last March’s incident with a cocktail waitress in Vegas; and on-set flirting with Cameron Diaz during the filming of Bad Teacher. Justin allegedly told Olivia Munn he hadn’t been happy with Jessica for two years. But! Despite rumors that he’s now dating Mila Kunis, a source here claims that she shot him down — “he tried every trick in the book, but Mila is not attracted to him.” Justin’s breakup comes at a great time, because he’ll spend the summer promoting “sex-drenched” movies Bad Teacher and Friends With Benefits. Moving on: Kate Hudson is on a “Mexican Babymoon,” cuz, see, she and Matt Bellamy can’t be on a honeymoon, cuz they’re not married, but she is pregnant, and they are on vactaion, so: Babymoon. BABYMOON. Teen Mom‘s Jenelle, who was recently busted for marijuana possession, was spotted at the beach in a bikini with a cannabis leaf belly ring dangling from her navel. High how are you? The Bachelor story here hints at the fact that Brad and Emily may be on the rocks and definitely not ready to get married. But guess who is getting married? Reese Witherspoon! And Matthew McConaughey, Jim Belushi and Alyssa Milano will be there. The wedding will take place at Reese’s ranch in Ojai, California, where she has a garden and horses, donkeys, pigs, goats and chickens, and the ceremony will be held in the early evening in the fields behind the house. Reese digs white flowers — especially gardenias — so expect them to decorate the property. Lastly, Jersey Shore‘s Sammi has a fragrance — because everyone wants to smell like a share house from Seaside Heights with a non-functional toilet — and it’s called Dangerous. Ahem.
Grade: C (one pair)

Star
“Renée Betrayed By Bradley.”
In a fairly juicy cover story, we learn that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock left a hotel just minutes apart, looking flustered, with mussed-up hair! Part of Bradley’s shirt was sticking out of his pants, and his hat was on crooked, says an eyewitness. Sandra’s outfit was pretty wrinkled, too. Also! Bradley was caught “cuddling” Jessica Biel on the set of New Year’s Eve during a break from filming in late February. According to the Harlequin romance writers at the mag, “his hand lingered on her hip and he pressed up against her” and “Bradley stared deep into her eyes and smiled back knowingly.” So: Is Jessica Biel’s bond with Bradley Cooper what tore her and Justin apart? Rumor has it JT was “incredibly jealous” and “suspected there was something going on.” Blind item! “Which funnyman’s recent marriage may be one big joke? An insider says he goes on weekly date nights with his boy toy at a trendy NYC bistro. And his man on the side isn’t even a secret — he’s met the family! Guess the new wifey doesn’t care.” Drew Barrymore spent $200 on Girl Scout cookies. She likes Thin Mints and Samoas, and even chatted up the girls selling the treats! Pete Wentz thinks Ashlee Simpson parties too much, and is prepared to bring it up in the custody battle. But she might claim that he cheated on her, since who knows what goes on when he’s on tour. Kayte Walsh, Kelsey Grammer’s new wife, is pressuring him to use his connections to get her a TV show. Oh, wait — is Kelsey the answer to the blind item?! in an “exclusive” story, we learn that one year after American Idol contestant Stefano Langone was nearly killed by a drunk driver, he was arrested for DUI. Kirstie Alley collapsed from exhaustion after one particularly tough rehearsal session for Dancing With The Stars. She thought she was going to dance all the weight off, but she sweats profusely, is short of breath, is in perpetual pain and can’t remember the steps. Plus! She’s having panic attacks about the show, “and the agonizing is making her eat more, not less.” This piece includes a bitchy quote about how everyone else looks better in their costumes and we should expect to see a lot more material on hers. Ugh, fuck off. The Bachelor news here is: They’ll never get married. Shocker. But she wants another baby ASAP, which has his head spinning. The prediction is that he’ll dump her before they make it to he altar. The story called “Royal Wedding In Chaos!” alleges that everyone involved is squabbling over details and the fighting and back-biting are “absolutely unbelievable.” A royal author says “the palace is a hotbed of old-schoool fuddy-duddies who are convinced William should be marrying an aristocrat.” And “the knives are out for the poor girl.” Some argue that William should absolutely not kiss Kate on the lips in the church at the ceremony: It would lower the dignity of the ocassion. “A gentle peck on the cheek is sufficient.” Also! Camilla was going to wear canary yellow to the wedding, but then found out that Carole Middleton was going to wear the same color! Camilla had to go with pink instead. In Angelina Jolie news, she is jealous of her brother’s relationship with actress Ashley Reign, and “doesn’t know how to share James.” In addition, Angie’s home in New Orleans is stressful, because the kids are out of control, and Brad is so harried he’s smoking a pack a day. Lastly, “So Skinny: Have They Gone Too Far” questions whether some stars have lost too much weight. Rich, coming from a magazine that repeatedly prints “worst beach bodies” stories. In fact, on March 2, the mag ridiculed women for having cellulite. This week, some of the thin who stand accused include Taylor Swift, LeAnn Rimes and Megan Fox. Alexa Chung “needs to eat a real cheeseburger” and January Jones’s body “looks too thin — worn-down and fragile. She needs to start eating.” Never forget, ladies, you simply cannot win!
Grade: C (three of a kind, jokers wild)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, from In Touch. Click to enlarge.