These Sexy Toys Make Our Childhoods Cry

We already knew Strawberry Shortcake was a sexy goner, but — et tu, Tinkerbell? In this brave new world, every childhood icon is lissome and dressed in tight jeans. And when she’s not? Well, let’s just say these fairies must have a good waxer. We’re not even going to talk about the sexy horse. See the whole gallery here; these are a few we found most disturbing.

These teen monsters — students at Monster High — are all supernatural. Which may explain Monster High’s dress code. It does not explain their physiques.

Holly Hobby’s pants have gotten uncomfortably snug. As is the way of the modernized toy, her bonnet has morphed into a Kangol-style flat cap.

New Zealand’s “Lollipop Girls” are, at least, models, which goes some way towards explaining their uniform bodytypes. And, you know, maybe they’re walking for…Cavalli.

As these things go, Rainbow Brite is still a relative innocent — albeit a taller, slimmer and slightly sultrier one.

These are troll dolls. Moving on.

Ah, the sexy horse. This creature rejoices in the name of “Struts.” Is it just us, or does her top suggest…a bosom?