Razzies Of Our Lives

Last night, Razzies were awarded to recognize all things shitty about the last year in Hollywood. From the boresome foursome of the Sex And The City 2: Surprise! They’re Racist!, who were collectively awarded the coveted Worst Actress trophy, to Ashton Kutcher, the Marlon Brando of sucking, who was awarded Worst Actor, America joined together as one to point out things that suck, because at our root, we are a nation of haters. I’m a hater. You’re a hater. We’re all haters. Let’s take this opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate the moments in our own lives that are analogous to The Last Airbender.

First, I’d like to nominate for Worst Supporting Neighbor the man with the Rhodesian Ridgeback lets his dog shit in the middle of the sidewalk and then doesn’t clean it up. Also in hot contention are the people who live upstairs who are having loud sex at all hours of the day, totally interrupting my viewing of Season 1 of Parks and Recreation on Netflix and causing writer’s block. Sidewalk litterers and that girl who keeps getting drunk and locking herself out and buzzing my buzzer at like 3 am, of course, round out this category.

The Worst Coworker award goes to the man who is my mother’s age who likes to stop by my desk and ask me if I’ve broken up with “that guy” yet and then offers to take me to Aspen, you know, once “that guy” isn’t around anymore. Second, the woman who sends all of her messages with HIGH IMPORTANCE even though they’re all about cleaning out the break room fridge and not throwing tampons in the toilet, even though men outnumber women in my office something like 2 to 1. And finally, we’d like to nominate everyone who has ever hit “REPLY ALL” and not said something hilarious or useful.

The Worst Line Citizens Award was a competitive category this year, and I’m pleased to say we’ve decided to nominate two deserving parties. First, we’d like to recognize tourists who get on a full bus in order to ask the bus driver for directions to popular downtown tourist destinations, thus holding up dozens of people who just fucking want to get home after a long day of work. We’d also like to recognize people who get to the front of a long line at Starbucks or another shop of that ilk who gets to the counter and ask 15 questions about what a latte is.

Congratulations to all of the nominated.

There are still some categories that are up for grabs, however. We’ve recused ourselves from submitting nominations for Worst Boyfriend or Worst Supporting Friend and welcome your submissions in the comments. In the meantime, use the time you have today- between the celebration of Hollywood’s worst and the fellating of Hollywood’s best- to give mental Razzie awards to those people and scenarios in your life who have done nothing but elicited feelings of anger and frustration. Make little foil trophies if you’d like. It’s better for society than simply punching them in the face.