Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the celebrity tabloids so you don't "have" to. This week, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn re-enact a scene from Twilight, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson plot an earthy hippie flower-strewn Summer wedding, and Suri Cruise is a perky rom-com heroine.


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Ok!
"Exclusive: We're Having a Baby!"
There are six pages of exclusive staged — but adorable — photos of Kendra and the two Hanks picnicking, kissing, and smiling. Yet! Kendra is not pregnant. She says, "Baby Hank definitely needs a sibling," and adds, "Baby Hank wasn't necessarily planned. It ended up being a blessing, but we want to plan No. 2." Kendra also says that Martini is baby Hank's babysitter, and we thought that was hilarious, but then we learned that Martini is the name of Kendra's Jack Russell terrier. Moving on: Teen Mom 2's Jenelle has asked her ex-boyfriend Andrew Lewis to submit to a paternity test. Jenelle's most recent boyfriend, Kieffer, says "Jenelle's still in love with Andrew and hopes the baby's really his." Meanwhile, Jersey Shore's Pauly D is a huge fan of Teen Mom, and thinks Maci is the hottest. A source says, "He was texting her all Tuesday night [after an MTV event] saying how he was a fan of the show and went to find her first thing on Wednesday." They've been tweeting back and forth! Brad Pitt is moving ahead with an extensive renovation plan for the huge $56 million estate Chateau Miraval as a Valentine's Day gift for Angelina. Roses just aren't enough.
Grade: F (pet cockroach)


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Life & Style
"Headed for a Split"
Apparently Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have careers headed in different directions and "increasingly incompatible personalities." Rob is going to play Keira Knightley's husband in a steamy new movie called Cosmopolis, which is "terrifying" for Kristen, because Rob hooked up with her while on set. The mag asks, "Will he repeat the pattern with Kiera during their sex-scene-laden shoot, which starts in May?" The mag also notes that Rob has a "thing" for co-stars. Plus, it seems Rob is sick of Kristen being a party pooper. The mag states, "In fact, Kristen's negative vibe has led Rob to seek as much alone time as possible during Breaking Dawn's filming." Really? "In fact?" Is that a fact? Gah. Next: Katy Perry and Russell Brand are seeking couples therapy. Haven't we read that they've been in therapy all long and it's no big deal? The mag gasps, "At one point, their red hot love posts to each other burned up Twitter on a near daily basis. These days, things have cooled considerably." The rest of the article includes the exact dates these two Tweeted each other. But since they're married and living together, we're not taking their lack of tweets as a sign of a relationship in shambles. Although Lauren Conrad's MTV show has been cancelled/dropped/whatever, Audrina's show, Audrina, will air on Vh1 in April. Cameron Diaz and A-Rod have been on six vacations in eight weeks. They were in Miami earlier this month, have been to Hawaii twice, made two trips to Mexico, and visited Paris. We haven't left our block in days. Oh! This is exciting! Tori Spelling has a pet pygmy goat! His name is Totes McGoats. We have so much respect for Tori now. (See Figure 1)
Grade: D (pet cobra)


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Star
"Marriage is Over!"
Chelsea Clinton's husband Marc Mezvinsky quit his job and moved to Jackson Hole, Wyoming to be a ski bum. According to an insider, "He pretty much told her he does not see kids in his future." Which sucks, because Chelsea's "dying to be a mom." The source adds, Marc "made a mistake getting married because he simply wasn't ready." Chelsea has known Marc since he was 13 and they've been in a committed relationship for over five years. Marc returned to New York in early February and he and Chelsea went to the gym together, but she returned home alone without him. Tragedy! The Knifestyles page features Katy Perry and her boobs. Did she get implants? (See Figure 2) Blind item! "Which B-list married-with-a-child couple may have an open marriage? Over the past few months, Star eyewitnesses have spotted them out separately — on dates with other people! Says an insider: 'Some think they have a don't ask don't tell relationship.'" Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are planning a summer wedding. it will be held at the scenic Auberge du Soleil resort in California's Napa Valley. See, Rob proposed over the holidays and they contacted a Napa Valley wedding planner to begin organizing a small, intimate ceremony. The menu will have all organic, locally grown food and the ceremony will have a hippie, earthy vibe. Lastly, Lindsay Lohan is a kleptomaniac, says a source. So of course Star prints "KLEPTO!" on the cover.
Star: D+ (pet alligator)


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In Touch
"Destroyed By Fame."
This six-page exposé on how fame has ruined the Teen Moms never once mentions how being on the cover of In Touch might possibly contribute. Sigh. Jenelle recently got a big chunk of money from MTV and started spending it immediately, according to a source. She bought a "hot new car" and designer clothes and "she's been partying all the time with all her extra cash." So she's ruined. Farrah got breast implants and is hoping for her own spin-off show. And that's how she's ruined. Amber has an addiction to pills and once mixed more than her usual dose of Tramadol and Klonopin. That's how she's ruined. Chelsea invites people over and gets trashed. Terrible. Maci got a boob job. And that's how they're all destroyed by fame. Moving on! Rachel Zoe, who is due in March, is eight months pregnant and has gained only around 15 pounds during her pregnancy. A friend suggests that her smaller-than-average baby belly is an illusion: "She's a fashionista. I think she's trying to dress a certain way to cover it." (See Figure 3) Breaking: Suri's such a little grown up! This spread shows her dashing off to work at her glamorous magazine editor job where Anne Hathaway plays her assistant and sending important documents via Priority Mail. (See Figure 4) Jennifer Aniston is "desperate" for a fresh start, since he's stuck in a "lonely rut." A source reports, "Jen just turned 42 and she wants to shake up her life." Jen is mulling a move to New York City and might dye her hair darker to "change it up." In Halle Berry news, her friends are supposedly spreading rumors about her ex, Gabriel Aubry, in order to cover up the actress's "dark secrets." Like what? "Halle is a very jealous person, and she's also unstable," reveals a friend of Gabriel's. "She has huge insecurities and she's very paranoid." In other words, her people slam him and his people slam her. The Jolie-Pitts are "the worst neighbors ever!" A neighbor, who we'll assume is a crotchety old Grand Torino-type dude, says, "Brad and Angie's kids are so loud. You can hear them all the time yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs." Also, Brad and Angie "have loud parties, don't invite anyone from the neighborhood and don't even bother to apologize for the noise." Oh...THAT'S why he's mad. He didn't get an Evite! We should note that Brad and Angie's home is pictured and it's impossible to see any neighboring houses through the thicket of trees surrounding the property. Cameron Diaz has more or less moved to Miami to be with A-Rod and a source says, "he seems ready to propose." Khloe Kardashian recently spend $16,000 at Beginnings, a posh baby boutique in L.A. Reminder: we've heard no confirmation of a pregnancy. Last but not least, Kate Middleton has been in "secret talks" with Prince Harry's ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy, to get the two back together in time for the royal wedding. "They have cooked up a secret plan to get Harry to ask her back — and to propose." We don't know how this is possible, unless, of course, Middleton's got her hands in some Inception-style trickery.
Grade: C (pet polar bear)


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Us
"Brad's Double Life."
Frankly, the only Brad we care about is Pitt. But nevertheless, Brad Womack's ex, Laurel Kagay, says this whole Bachelor thing is nothing but a sham. "There's not one thing he says to these girls that I haven't heard before." He's asked her to to marry him countless times, including mere weeks before he left to tape The Bachelor for the second time. And that's not all! The mag has images of said texts, screenshots straight from Laurel's iPhone. Moving on! There was some drama over the Real Housewives of New York's newest season being pushed back because of the Miami newcomers being more exciting than the New Yorkers, but Alex McCord says it's just because the episodes aren't fully edited yet. More on Brad Pitt's renovation of his French chateau: The contractor wish list includes hot tubs, steam rooms, an enlarged wine cellar, and a motorcycle track. Jake Gyllenhaal and Carey Mulligan watched his sister Maggie's new play in New York on February 3rd, and the next night went out to a group dinner, and 24 hours later, Carey and Jake were in Nashville for another supper, followed by a late night concert. But, Carey is dating British actor Eddie Redmayne and she and Jake are just friends. Prince William and Kate Middleton will honeymoon in Mustique, so book your tickets if you want to join in. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey call every 30th of the month "I Love You Day" because that's their anniversary day. We call it Barf Day. The Scarlett Johansson/Sean Penn tale begins thusly: "Standing together, puffing on cigarettes outside L.A.'s Sunset Tower Hotel on February 5, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn were quietly plotting. Their mission: Get in and out of producer Colleen Camp's star-studded Black Swan party without revealing their status as a couple." But wait, there's more Harlequin romance narrative to come! "As they conspired, Penn caressed Johansson's forearm, touching her jacket and pulling it closer to him." So, like, they left together, but tried to be sneaky about it. A source says she's "smitten" with him. Halle Berry has been "planting stories" about Gabriel Aubry, according to a source. "She's vindictive." Halle's "confidant" insists she's not planting nasty tales. The truth eludes us. Lastly, MTV decided to cancel Lauren Conrad's reality show. The network wanted more personal drama, but Lauren wasn't interested in that. She fires back: "We are sorry MTV didn't feel their viewers were savvy enough to appreciate it." Oooh, burn.
Grade: C+ (pet pygmy goat)


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Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Star

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Fig. 3, from In Touch(click to enlarge)

Fig. 4, from In Touch (click to enlarge)