Your Dumbest Relative Running For President

Michele Bachmann, the Minnesotan Tea Partier who some might say is the Miles Davis of idiocy, is running for President in 2012. Have you read some of the crazy shit this woman has said? This is going to be awesome.

Bachmann is an absolute treasure trove of batshittery, perhaps even out-Palin-ing Sarah Palin herself. Her sentences usually contain a subject, verb, and object and are thus decipherable to native speakers of English, whereas Palin’s statements are mostly the word goulash of a linguistically-challenged simpleton. Bachmann delivers George W. Bush-level stupidity combined with Phyllis Schlafly-level “What About The Children” hand wringing combined with Glenn Beck-style fearmongering combined with the accent of the mom from Bobby’s World. She’s the perfect storm of stupidity, and I’d love to see her crazy eyes attempt to debate President Obama. I’d revel in it.

Among the highlights in her nonsensical, years-long screed include her 2008 Hardball appearance when she called for an “Are You Pro-American Or Anti-American?” McCarthy-like witch hunt among members of Congress. She also claimed in 2004 that giving gay Americans rights would lead to other people losing rights, explaining,

For instance, parents will lose the right to protect and direct the upbringing of their children. Because our K-12 public school system, of which ninety per cent of all youth are in the public school system, they will be required to learn that homosexuality is normal, equal and perhaps you should try it. And that will occur immediately, that all schools will begin teaching homosexuality.

“Hi honey. How was school?”

“GREAT, Mom! We learned all about scissoring in my favorite class, Beginning Homosexuality. Teacher says I’m doing amazingly well and will be ready for my first pair of Junior Birkenstocks soon. I might even be allowed to join the softball team!”

Heaven forbid parents lose the ability to teach their children to be hateful and intolerant.

She also believes that teenagers should pay their employers for the privilege of working because that will somehow (???) lead to them being rich and that the 2010 census is comparable to Japanese internment during WWII. Bachmann, an evangelical Christian (the kind that, if you’re a normal, reasonable Christian, you’re embarrassed of) is also staunchly anti-choice and failed to see the irony in using the following argument against the Health Care Reform Bill in 2009-

That’s why people need to continue to go to the town halls, continue to melt the phone lines of their liberal members of Congress, and let them know, under no certain circumstances will I give the government control over my body and my health care decisions.

The former tax attorney has also called for an “organized revolution” in the US and is one of the chief paraders-around of that bullshit racist dog whistle “Take Our Country Back” slogan. Few things would cause me more glee than watching that woman embarrass herself on a larger scale than she already has.

While delighting in the schadenfreude of watching a dumb jerk make a fool of herself is fun, it’s disturbing that people who are barely qualified to run the high school student council seem to think that they’d make a good president and it’s dismaying that the women taking advantage of Hillary Clinton’s 32 million cracks in the glass ceiling seem to be airheads.

In the meantime, we’ll be watching Minnesota with bated breath as the exhausting ramp-up to 2012 primary season continues into it’s twelve zillionth day. We’ll reflect on the enigmatic nature of the Land of 10,000 lakes, a state of inexplicable contrasts that brought us the awesome Minnesota Twins, but also the dismal Minnesota Timberwolves, liberal visionaries Paul Wellstone and Al Franken but also serial dickhead Michele Bachmann, and we’ll hope that the rest of the country also sees through this aggressively stupid politician, who should probably henceforth be known as the “Mama Loon.”