Lindsay Lohan Would Like You To Buy Her Shoes For $450

Walking cultural Rorschach Lindsay Lohan found time in her demanding schedule of court appearances and real-estalking to expand her fashion empire. “She brings her own shoes in,” admits Lohan’s business partner. But fear not. The footwear LiLo’s making is “timeless.”

Lohan’s statement for the press release is like celebrity fashionspeak bingo:

“I took inspiration from old Hollywood glamour and added a modern edge. It was key to make comfortable, timeless shoes that can easily go from day to night and feel cool, chic and glamorous.

Did you catch all that? These are shoes that you can wear both in the daytime, and in the nighttime. They won’t turn into pumpkins, basically. (Because that would be awkward.) Her business partner continues, “They’re timeless — you’re buying an over-the-knee boot to wear for years.” Which presumably is intended to justify the $100-$450 price range.

America: Do not buy these shoes. For one, they are ugly, and with “modern accents like hardware and mixed leathers,” bound to look cheap. And $450? This presents, in its own roundabout way, an unusual philosophical dilemma: is it worse when celebrities with little talent for and even less training in design go hawking overpriced badly made own-branded tat that happens to be expensive, or is it worse when celebrities with little talent for and even less training in design go hawking overpriced badly made own-branded tat that is cheap? On the one hand, the gall, the sheer gall of Lindsay Lohan, to ask for half a month’s freaking rent for her shoes. (When anyone who wanted to be that profligate but had half a goddamn brain knows you could go to freaking Loehmann’s during a blue-dot sale and get three pairs of actual designer shoes for that price!) On the other? If people who have $450 to drop on shoes want to give it to Lindsay Lohan, well, it’s their money and the loss of it obviously won’t cause them any particular hardship. But still that number sticks in one’s craw. $450? The gall. The gall. And they’re ugly.

On the plus (?) side, the sketches are bad enough that I almost believe they’re by Lohan’s own hand. Almost.