Millionaire Matchmaker Takes On Julian Assange

Esquire got Patti Stanger to evaluate the online dating profile of an anonymous man…who just happened to be Julian Assange. And she found the anonymous dude someone who’d “attract the diva-drama bitches.” And the Russians.

We’ve all seen the infamous OKCupid Profile. And we’ve all seen the Millionaire Matchmaker. Together, the two of them make for a horrifying pop-cultural collision. Here’s what Patti had to say. Not that we’re guessing Assange cares.

On ego:

This man has been bruised. He’s been burned. You know, he’s got a little bit of an ego and arrogance to him – I’ll give you that. He’s going to deter all good-quality women away – he’s going to attract the diva-drama bitches…If he’s going to be this negative, he deserves a negative chick.

On woman-hating:

Okay, this is the most bitter man alive. This man is so bitter. It’s a one-size-fits-all for him; every woman is the same.

On interests:

He’s I want someone who’s gone through political turmoil. Who the fuck says that? I mean, that’s like someone who’s living in his head. You think when the penis does the picking and it gets a stiffy, he thinks about who you voted in the last election?

On Russians:

He wants a woman who will give him an opinion – but I bet you he’ll hate her opinion. I will bet you he’ll slice her in half when she says what she feels. And he’s going to attract the Russians. The eastern European women are going to flock to him. Flock. And they’re farbissina as we say in the Jewish religion. They’re very miserable, they don’t smile, they’re never happy. So he’ll just keep trying to please them, and… perfect match.

On Sex:

He’ll make great love to you then tell you what’s wrong with you. That’s called ‘seducing and reducing.

When she learned the mystery man’s identity, Patti was scornful, calling Assange “a nasty son of a bitch” and suggesting he “Go move to France, they take everyone.”

While the exercise in Asange fan-fic may not tell us anything we didn’t already suspect about both players, here’s one silver lining: “Seducing and reducing” may now take the place of “Sex by Surprise” in the lexicon of fictional assange sex-terms.