The Evolution Of Moms

The human mother has seen many metamorphoses of late, from the early “soccer mom” to the “Mama Grizzly” and “Tiger Mother.” Herewith, we chart the common Mom’s fascinating evolution — and her disturbing future.

Soccer Mom (Mater Adidas)

This form of Mom roamed the earth in the mid-nineties. She can be distinguished in the fossil record by her proximity to juice boxes, ponytail-holders, and minivans. Contemporary accounts suggest she expressed care for her children primarily by driving them to locations of play, and by the distribution of such delicacies as sliced oranges. Adept at tool use, this Mom was capable of tying her children’s footwear and dressing their wounds. However, her limited fighting ability meant she was soon eclipsed by more warlike subspecies of Moms.

Stage Mom (Mater Lohanus)

A side branch of the Mom evolutionary tree. Though precursors of this Mom have been recorded as far back as the vaudeville era, her heyday arrived in the early twenty-first century with the advent of tabloid and Internet technology. She came to eclipse the earlier Soccer Mom with the help of another subspecies of human, the Paparazzo. Contemporary reports show her to be eerily ageless; fossils contain high concentrations of collagen and botulinum toxin. Cranial analysis indicates high language aptitude combined with poor judgment and an insatiable desire for fame.

Helicopter Mom (Mater Aerodynamicus)
The Helicopter Mom was so named for her ability to “hover” near her children at all times. Some reports indicate that she in fact possessed large rotating blades emerging from her skull for this purpose; the fossil record does not substantiate this. Genetic analysis suggests that the Helicopter Mom evolved directly from the Soccer Mom, and improved upon her already substantial capabilities — while the Soccer Mom could transport her children to and from practice, the Helicopter Mom could follow them literally anywhere. Of special note were her extremely dexterous opposable thumbs, specially adapted to the use of the cellular phone.

Mama Grizzly (Mater Alaskus)

The Mama Grizzly first appeared in 2010, possibly as a “rogue” mutation of the Soccer Mom (or her northerly cousin, the Hockey Mom). Contemporary photographic evidence suggests an extreme affinity for guns and the carcasses of other animals. The Mama Grizzly’s language skills were extremely poor, but she appears to have been adept at Twitter.

Tiger Mother (Mater Strictus)

The existence of this Mom was only recently brought to light in the Wall Street Journal. She is distinguished by her extreme strictness and obsession with piano performance. It is possible that she evolved from the Mama Grizzly, but she has highly developed linguistic ability (especially when insulting her children) and has no use for Twitter. It is not clear yet whether this Mom is in fact common in nature — she may, in fact, be a marketing ploy concocted to sell books.

Cyborg-Mother XJ6000 (Mater Futurus)

Anthropologists believe this is the next step in Mom evolution. The Cyborg-Mother will be capable of morphing into both a minivan and a helicopter at will; she will also possess the claws of a grizzly and the jaws of a tiger. She will have no need for Twitter or a cell phone, as she will communicate telepathically using mind-lasers. Her superhuman powers will lead her and her offspring to conquer the Earth and then spread throughout the universe in biomechanical womb-pods, subjugating every lesser species in sight. You have been warned.

Images via zwola fasola, James Laurie, Alexandra Lande, DarkGeometryStudios/Shutterstock.com