Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we read In Touch, Star, Life & Style, Ok! and Us so you don't "have" to. This week: Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock play house and Angelina Jolie is a wasted wino.

In Touch
"Divorce Drama!"
Sources claim that Kendra and Hank's relationship has "disintegrated" and she met with a divorce lawyer before the holidays. The two are fighting over money; Kendra doesn't have a lot of confidence in Hank's career, so she's trying to keep working. And they're also fighting over partying, because he would like to mold her into a "traditional wife." Ahem. Next: Kourtney and Kim Kardashian got an offer from E! to go back to New York and shoot six more episodes of their new show, and they were excited about it, but Scott "American Psycho" Disick won't sign up unless they double his salary. In a follow-up to last week's wedding story, apparently Brad and Angie were in Namibia for their honeymoon. Sure, sure. "How Mario Helped Me Lose 30 Pounds In Five Months" is an interview with Courtney Mazza, Mario Lopez's girlfriend and baby mama. Here's how he did it: He inspired her to eat better and want to have an even better body than before the baby was born. She's also taking a supplement called Healthé Trim. So. Frances Bean Cobain canceled a holiday reunion with her mom, Courtney Love, and Courtney started calling her "to a horrifyingly manic extent." Frances's lawyers are threatening Courtney with a restraining order. Finally: "Amazing Smile Transformations" (see figure 1). Do you think Disney has an in-house dentist for Miley and Zac and all the mouse trappers?
Grade: F (10 years in jail)

Life & Style
"Being A Teen Mom Ruined My Life."
Amber Portwood tells the mag: "I just can't even imagine not seeing my little baby if I go back to jail. Not being able to see her every day and hold her, put her to sleep and dress her like my little doll, I would just be so depressed and going crazy." Amber also says Teen Mom ruined her life because "I wouldn't have been in jail because no one would have known about it." "It" refers her hitting her ex-fiance Gary. Amber's brother says: "Before that scene of her hitting Gary aired, she didn't have problems. I can't say completely that it's the show's fault, because obviously my sister did it. But Amber and Gary asked them not to air the fight, because they knew this legal stuff would happen." Ugh. Her brother also says that when she's done with the show, Amber wants to be a glamorous pin-up girl like Marilyn Monroe. Or just like, a model. In an insane sidebar, Carol Thomas, who was Amber's fellow inmate, gives a minute-by-minute account of Amber's 24 hours in jail. The two were in a cell with three other women. At 5:30 pm, Carol held up a blanket so that Amber could use the toilet without anyone watching. At 5:31, there was a bonding session — the five women had a sharing circle in which they went around the room and talked about what they were each on lockdown for. At 11 am the next morning, Amber ate the crust off her pb&j and dipped her celery in her peanut butter.
Grade: D- (one year in jail)

"Yes, They're Together!"
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds spent New Year's Eve together — with other friends — at her restaurant, Bess Bistro, in Austin. A witness says that Ryan and Sandy shared a midnight kiss and a champagne toast, and left together at 2 am. These two have been friends for 11 years; they met through Ryan's producing partner. So they've known each other since way before The Proposal. And! They will reunite onscreen once again in Most Wanted, an action comedy "that follows a criminal (Sandra) being escorted to court by a US Marshal (Ryan) when they are ambushed and forced to go on the run." We're pretty sure this movie has already been made, starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler, but what do we know? We'd rather see Ry and Sandy anyway. Next: "A Sexy Lover Is The Best Revenge!" is a story about how Eva Longoria is dating Penelope Cruz's little brother Eduardo Cruz, who is 10 years younger and a tattooed Spanish pop singer with a labret piercing. He's been sleeping at her house and is pictured barefoot in her garage! She is pictured wearing a bathrobe. It's all very Desperate Housewives. An insider says: "He returns night after night. It's not like he needs a place to stay! Penelope's home is only 20 minutes away." Moving on: Last week, In Touch claimed that Brad and Angie got married, and this week, Ok! asserts that when Brad and Angie heard about the supposed wedding, "they actually laughed." Shannen Doherty is the subject of this week's "What I Ate Today." She says: "I had breakfast on the plane. Eggs and stuff." She also had nuts, but her biggest indulgence? French-fries. "I eat as many as I want." For lunch, she had burrata cheese salad. "I have never dieted in my life, nor will I," Shannen says. For dinner, "I went to a wonderful restaurant in Miami. I had steak and fried balls of mashed potatoes filled with ground beef." So unapologetic! We love her.
Grade: D (one month in jail)

"It's On!"
A witness claims that Ryan and Sandra hit the dance floor on New Year's Eve and "Sandra looked really happy. She was glowing." Oh, and did you know that Sandra Bullock is still friends with Scarlett Johansson? ScarJo was in Austin with Drew Barrymore in December and Sandra met up with them at her restaurant. Moving on. Brandy says: "I love video games. World Of Warcraft is my favorite." Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift are dunzo, and a source says: "Jake reached out to her and started all this, but now he's not acting as interested." Also: "Jake cares about her, but the publicity was a lot for him. He wants to keep his private life private, and that's hard to do, dating Taylor." But! "It's not over, they're just taking a step back," says this unnamed source. Alec Baldwin was seen on the elliptical trainer at a gym, watching a rerun of 30 Rock. After celebrating Christmas in Namibia, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the kids visited Brad's parents in Missouri. Brad and Angie went to Kmart and spent $300 on cosmetics and toys. Everybody loves a bargain! Later they went to Barnes and Noble and bought Nooks. Kirsten Dunst was seen in Vegas over the holidays, saying, "I'm Kirsten Dunst! I can't believe I'm begging to get into a Las Vegas party!" Teen Mom's Amber was recently dumped by boyfriend of 2 months Clint Yunker. And, a source says that Amber's daughter Leah hits her dad, Gary and screams when she wants to get her way. Like mommy?
Grade: D+ (one week in jail)

"Wasted! Rehab For Angie."
At the Berlin premiere of The Tourist, Angelina "seemed so wasted and weary." An insider claims "people were whispering… it was like she was on drugs or something. There were moments where she could hardly walk and needed Brad's arm for support." Maybe she was tired from jetting around the world and raising six kids? Angelina allegedly keeps getting disoriented and needs to sit down, and collapsed at home once. Brad wants her to take a break and go somewhere to relax. We think it sounds like he means a spa, but the mag says Angelina has been drinking lots of wine and taking Ambien to help her sleep, and Brad has to watch her to make sure she doesn't take too many pills and overdose. Sometimes she drinks a whole bottle of wine by herself after the kids go to sleep. Sounds normal! Though Angelina hasn't used heroin in years, the mag brings it up and claims the thought of doing it "lingers in the back of her mind." Whatever. Moving on. Rihanna's bodyguard is a six-foot tall female karate expert. There's a picture of Rihanna kissing the bodyguard on the cheek, and a picture of the bodyguard pulling down her bikini top and showing Rihanna her boobs, and the magazine asks, "Will this turn into a real-life version of The Bodyguard? Only time will tell." The headline on this piece is "Rihanna Heats Up With A Hot Blonde," even though any lesbian action is clearly only in the minds and fanfic of the editors of the mag. Blind item! "Which married TV star is getting spicy with yet another side dish? She's always denied rumors of cheating, but that hasn't stopped her from hooking up recently with a hunky NFL star behind her hubby's back. This girl just can't stop playing with fire." Rachael Ray? Giada De Laurentiis? Paris Hilton has "plumped up," and someone who does not know her estimates that she is now 138 lbs., up from 119 over the summer. However! Nutritionist Nikki Ostrower says, "She looks much healthier now. That's hot." A source claims that Reese Witherspoon was in the checkout line at the CVS in Brentwood with a pregnancy test, and the mag has issued a "bump alert." In Sandra and Ryan news, an insider says: "Ryan is a natural with kids, and he's really taken to Louis. He's always playing with him, rocking him to sleep, and even changing his diapers. Being with Sandra and Louis is a perfect fit. They're kind of like a little family already." Instantaneous! The worst thing in this issue is a feature called "Man Stealers!" The following women stand accused: Natalie Portman, Rachel Weisz, Jessica Simpson, Liz Hurley, Meg Ryan, LeAnn Rimes and Lisa Edelstein. Men are blameless in these scenarios, and there's a tiny box containing a picture of Rachel's ex Darren Aronofsky with their son and a picture of Daniel Craig's ex Satsuki Mitchell with the words BROKEN HOMES splashed on top. Lastly: The Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus story advertised on the cover is one single four inch photo on the tables of contents with the news that they had lunch together at PF Chang's in Nashville.
Grade: D+ (24 hours in jail)

Fig. 1: From In Touch (click to enlarge)