Did you know that crazy, PMS-ridden ladies aren't the only ones with "mood swings?" Apparently even men's stoic constitutions change throughout the day — and women can use this to their advantage!
According to the Daily Mail's Fiona Macrae, a poll by Bayer Schering Pharma found that 6 PM is "the time when a man is likely to grant a loved one's wishes," while "3pm is the best time for the fairer sex to win an argument." But watch out, greedy ladies: "when it comes to asking for a pay rise or promotion, a woman would do best not to pounce on the boss when he or she arrives for work in the morning, but to wait until 1pm." Macrae for some reason wraps up her article with a lengthy recap of another study that characterized female bosses as "loose cannons" with "hidden agendas." But why be the boss when you can just ask men for whatever you want? Below, a schedule for getting everything your heart desires — without actually having to wield any pesky power yourself.
8 AM: Is it your period? If so, refrain from making any decisions because your "hormones are all over the place." If possible, lock yourself in a small attic room until menstruation subsides. Pay no attention to the lady in the wallpaper.
9 AM: Assuming you're not menstruating, arrive at work. Do not pounce on your boss! We know it's difficult for women to suppress these feline instincts, but now is the time for restraint. If you must, find a mouse and shake it back and forth in your mouth instead. Then leave it on your desk for others to admire while you lick your hands a bunch and look satisfied.
12 PM: Almost time to ask for that raise! Prepare yourself with an allover rubdown using Bayer Schering Pharma anti-hormonal wipes. Then have a Luna Bar.
1 PM: Raise time! Be sure to ask nicely and not be demanding or aggressive. Also, if you have a female boss, remember that she may shoot you in the gut with one of her cannonballs. Prepare for this with a Bayer Schering Pharma adjustable ladyshield, available in pink. Also protects against pregnancy.
2 PM: Start thinking about the argument you'd like to have today. Maybe you'd like to claim that women are just as capable of fair and insightful leadership as men are. Or that ladies can think and menstruate at the same time. The more ridiculous the better!
3 PM: Commence arguing. Men will be defenseless against your verbal onslaughts — it's science. If they don't immediately fall before you, they're probably really women. To confirm, simply dangle some chocolate in front of their noses. If they begin slavering like maniacs, you have your answer.
5 PM: After a hard day of working about 75% as effectively as your male colleagues, head home and prepare for the arrival of your man. Shower, douche, and check for signs of hysteria.
6 PM: Now is the time to ask for whatever you want. A "romantic weekend!" A fair division of household labor! A spot in Ricky's show! Media coverage that takes you, your relationships, and your job seriously for once in your goddamned life ... well, let's not get carried away.
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