Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr attended the US Open yesterday, but instead of watching Andy Roddick, the Gossip Girl stars indulged in a little nuzzling. What were the lovebirds cooing about? After the jump: A pseudo-Shakesperean fictional narrative. Enjoy!
In Tennis, Love Means Nothing
Edward, Lord Westwick, Earl of Hottenham, rumored to be a descendant of Lord Byron. Alias: Chuck Bass.
Jessica, Lady Szohr. Alias: The "vaguely ethnic" one "from Brooklyn" on Gossip Girl.
Selita Ebanks, model.
Kanye West, self-declared King.
Ed: By Jove you look delicious in that hat. Like a deposed despot at a cock fight. I just want to taste the rum droplets glistening on your lips.
Ed: Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt. Let my brave soldier slip inside your foxy foxhole.
Random Black Guy: That, sir, is what's up.
Jessica: My lord, I'm afraid there be paparazzi. Like, over there.
Ed: Fie! I care not, my lady. A man can die but once. In Touch magazine doth stay on newsstands but a fortnight. But! Our love! Is Forever! Now, I pray thee sit on my lap. Like a patriotic knight, I carry a lengthy rapier for thee and thy cunt country.
Jessica: Ooh! Unh. Damn!
Ed: Hush, my love! I'm trying to make a point. Mercy! It has gone… Stay a while, and perchance it will come again.
Random White Guy Number One: Whoa! Are those 90210 kids having sex? Dude, clap and they might put it on the big screen!
Random White Guy Number Two: Behold the lovers, full of joy and mirth!
Ed: When a steed is spurred into action and ridden, hot, it speeds too fast, and 'twill tire. But seriously. That was hot, right?
Jessica: Hee hee!
Ed: A quart of ale is a dish for a King!
Kanye: How droll. This villain daresay he is a king. Come not between a man and his title. Who is it that can tell me who I am? I AM THE KING!!!!1!!!
Selita: How could he be so artless?
Kanye: Fie. This beslubbering lout cares not. Ay me! I am vexed.
Selita: O spite! What games! Ours is to watch, not play. Ignore this match, for there's a far better volley on the green below.
Kanye: What say you, woman? Shall we take our leave? 'Twould be better to drink Cristal and be merry on Jay-Z's yacht.
Selita: Good sir, we shall part, for now I am shame;
And thou art wrong, so 'tis you I blame.
[Images via Pacific Coast News Online.]