Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for actual "news" in the celebrity weekly magazines. Another slow week in Hollywoodland means the covers are rehashed stories you've already heard. Again. Britney "wins" two covers because she went to her sister's baby shower and is thin. The other three covers feature Angelina Jolie, Aniston/Mayer and Montag/Conrad. Intern Sharon assists as we dig for a gold doubloon of gossip on the beachy shores of the weekly mags, after the jump.

Life & Style
"I Got My Body Back!" Britney is losing weight because she spends hours at the gym, dances a lot, and her dad cooks healthy meals for her. (Intern Sharon says, "Seriously? We haven't seen her at McDonald's or toting Frappuccinos at all lately.") Also: When Brit was visiting Louisiana for the baby shower, Jamie Lynn showed her her pregnancy scrapbook and ultrasound pictures. The sisters slept in Britney's old room, awww.
Grade: F (sharp, broken glass)

"The Plot To Destroy Lauren." This six-page story sums up everything that has happened between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad on and off The Hills and is mind-numbingly boring. Heidi maintains that there is — or was — a sex tape; Lauren's camp says it does not exist; Heidi counters that maybe it doesn't exist now but it sure used to. Yawn. Moving on: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden entertain baby Harlow when she wakes up: "Joel and I put on a concert for her every morning. We have Disney music and a whole dance." Also inside: American Idol's Carly Smithson says she and her tattoo-artist hubby want to have kids. Imagine when the other moms at the sandbox get a load of dad's face? (Fig. 1) Plus: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married in the Bahamas and there was no pre-nup. Nick's own half-brother, Gabriel, says "We thought it was just rumors. I had no clue they got married." Angelina, Brad and the brood have settled in France. Angie wants the baby to be connected to his or her French heritage (although Angie's mom was French-Canadian and born in Chicago, hmm.) Angie has to go to the Cannes Film Festival later in May so it's more convenient for her to be based in France. Another quote from Nicole Richie! "I want five children: twin boys and three girls." Speaking of kids, Jessica Alba says that her nursery is "green" because "that's the way I live." Everything is eco-friendly and whatnot. Jessica hasn't picked a name for her baby yet: "I'm waiting, we're not sure what the name is going to be. My name was Faradon Luisa for three days, I don't want make that mistake with my kid."
Grade: D- (plastic bag)

"Sisters Reunited!" For a story about Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower, the magazine used what were clearly not professional photos taken by an insider. Intern Sharon says someone (a family friend slash sellout?) used a "like, 5.6 megapixel camera." Jamie Lynn and Britney hung out and painted their nails; Britney went riding on the four-wheeler with JLS's fiancé, Casey. Typical Louisiana weekend? Also inside: While John Mayer was in Miami visiting Jennifer Aniston, he would sneak into the stadium where she was shooting Marley And Me via an underground tunnel — and the two would make out right there in the stadium. The couple was also caught skipping arm in arm on their way to a children's clothing store. Maybe Aunt Jen was buying something for Coco Arquette? Moving on: Janice Dickinson asked for her pureed chicken soup to be strained at a café in Beverly Hills. The waiter tried to explain it was impossible to strain a pureé; Janice barked, "Bring me four bowls of chicken vegetable soup and a strainer, and I'll do it myself." Then she stormed out of the restaurant, cursing in Italian. She says she lived in Italy for two years "and the waiters there would never tell me no."
Grade: D (cigarette butt)

In Touch
"Why Jen Fell For John." In a four-page story, the mag says Jennifer Aniston likes John Mayer because 1. He's sexy. (He topped an In Touch Sexiest Bachelors poll!) 2. He's sensitive. He fundraises for charity and whatnot. 3. He's smart. (Jessica Simpson complained, "I had to be more intellectual," while dating him.) 4. He's funny. (Ever see that Borat swimsuit pic?) Intern Sharon says, "That was all I took away, I couldn't read the whole article." There's a horrifying page that reads: "Paris: I WANT A BABY NOW" with Ms. Hilton sort of trying to breastfeed a puppy. (Fig. 2) "I know in my heart of hearts I would be a great mom," Paris says. "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children." Also inside: Miley Cyrus has a "double life" because she spends $8,000 on jeans and jewelry when she's in celeb-mode; but when she's home all she does is horseback ride and shop at Wal-Mart with her friends. Oooh, and she doesn't wear her purity ring anymore! What does it mean??? An article called "Nicky Kicks Her Coke Habit" is not what you think. Nicky Hilton has eliminated soda from her diet — 1,120 calories a day! [Uh, my two cents but I think Nicky needs MORE calories in her diet. -Ed.] Lastly: On a trip to Vegas, Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina, 15, partied until she puked and tried to stab her mom and then attempted to slash her own wrists. Tragic.
Grade: D+ (beer can)

"It's Twin Girls!" Angelina is having twin daughters! But before she flew to France, Angie collapsed and Brad had to call the doctor. Angie was crying because she couldn't feel the twins kicking. She was sobbing, saying "My babies, my babies!" The doc made her a protein shake and an hour later, the fetuses (feti?) started kicking. At the house in the South of France where Angie and the crew are staying, Angie has helicopter and a pilot with military training standing by to fly her to the hospital. Ooh! Naked picture of Shiloh!!! (Fig. 3) Also inside: Ellen DeGeneres says: "I don't have a computer and I don't use e-mail. I don't have a BlackBerry, either. I don't think it's healthy to always be texting and online all the time. I hate it when you're having lunch with someone and they're looking down at their BlackBerry." Noted! Next: Dancing With The Stars Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough are moving in together! That show is like a dating game. OMG: Jessica Simpson's fashion accessory line has raked in $300 million since 2006. Can you believe it? Ashton Kutcher says: "I pee outside my house in my yard. I usually start my day by taking my dogs out; when I they go, I go." Blind item! "Which small screen star who moonlights as a drummer turned off a lady he was hooking up with? The unpleasant smell of the eco-friendly soap he uses makes him stink, she says." Brad Pitt and his brother Doug gave their dad a cool 67th birthday present: A trip around the world! Dad will go to France, Italy, Norway, Finland, China and three countries Africa. Intern Sharon says, "What? No Brazil?" Nicole Richie has been dropping pounds because of her new raw food diet. She's still breastfeeding, is that okay? Mariah Carey's wedding might be in jeopardy because Nick Cannon is a player. He was engaged to Selita Ebanks after 9 weeks of dating; Christian Milian says he cheated on her over the entire course of their 2-year relationship. Jerk. Oh, but some say the marriage is strictly a business relationship aimed at selling more albums and promoting Nick. Plus: "Jamie Lynn is having a shotgun wedding, and it's Lynn who is holding the shotgun," says a family friend. JLS doesn't really want to get hitched but Lynn doesn't like the idea of an unwed teenage mom — especially when it comes to Jamie's career. Meanwhile, Britney and Kevin are having phone sex. Often. At least once a week.
Grade: C (broken seashell)
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