Welcome back to Midweek Madness. May we read the tabloids so you don't have to? This week's specials: Kourtney breastfeeds with implants, the Jersey Shore kids get makeovers, and Lindsay finds the missing chunk of her thigh.

Kendra lost 20 pounds in three weeks and you can too! All you have to do is push a human out of your vagina. There's a picture of Kendra holding her baby with one arm and a two-pound weight with the other, but I refuse to scan it. You can check out Jennifer Aniston's Christmas card instead (image 7). She donated money to Doctors Without Borders, but only to send a secret message to Brad, obviously. Next: OK! claims Kate Hudson dumped A-Rod because he's still in love with Madonna. A source reports: "She gave A-Rod three chances to stop contacting Madonna. When she found out that he was still calling and texting her, she hit the roof. How would you feel if your new boyfriend kept calling his ex?" Well, that depends. Is my boyfriend's ex Madonna? Did you hear that Rihanna is hooking up with Kanye West? SORRY, IT'S NOT TRUE. Lastly, in an exclusive interview Snooki of Jersey Shore reveals, "I really don't tan because I'm half-Spanish so I've got that year-round tan. I was adopted."
Grade: F (Eating mayonnaise out of the jar.)

This mag features 25 pages of excruciatingly dull celebrity fitness stories. As you already know, everyone in Hollywood stays slim by spending hours at the gym and eating salads with grilled chicken for lunch. The only good thing about about this feature is the ad for Taco Bell's "Drive-Thru Diet" wedged in the middle, which includes a coupon for a free fresco taco. No salad with grilled chicken for me today! Moving on: Elin actually caught Tiger cheating years ago. "She found out he had at least one affair early in their marriage. It breached her trust, but they were trying to work through it," reports a "pal." Next: "Britney Shuns K-Fed at Kids' Show." Sean and Jayden performed in a Christmas concert and while both Brit and Kevin were there, they had "zero contact," according to an attendee. Brit was also spotted crying in a New York hotel restaurant at 6:45 a.m. three days later. "The hostess offered a tissue, but she shook her head no," says a witness. Finally, it's obvious that Dr. Drew's a "passionate, passionate man," but did you know that he's also "secretly sexy"? (Image 8)
Grade: F (You're still making your way through holiday leftovers.)

Life & Style
Apparently "Kardashian" means "stone worker" in Armenian, but Kourtney only found out that "Mason" means the same thing after she picked the name for her baby. As for her son's middle name, "Dash is not for my clothing store, as some people have suggested online," says Kourtney. "That would be stupid. Dash is short for Kardashian, and it was my father's nickname." Fine, but this question was stupid: Life & Style asks, "Have you gotten squirted while changing diapers?" Also, in case you've been worried that Kourtney's breast implants would prevent her from breast-feeding, she shares, "Sometimes people wtih implants can't breast-feed or their milk doesn't come in. So my doctor told me, if it doesn't happen that easily, don't feel bad about it. I'm lucky that it's been going really well." Moving swiftly along: Jude turns his back on his baby. Jude Law talked about spending the holidays with his "three kids" in all of his Sherlock Holmes interviews, but he still hasn't seen his fourth child, the baby girl he had with Samantha Burke. Next: Angelina and Jen will come face to face again at the Golden Globes. Jen is presenting and Brangie usually attend. Maybe it will be just as uneventful as when they came face-to-face at the Oscars last year! Life & Style provides this handy guide (image 9) to which Golden Globes attendees are on Team Brangie and Team Jen. So does this mean if a fight breaks out Clint Eastwood has to take on Courteney Cox? Finally, Jersey Shore gets an A-list makeover! (Image 10) J-Woww is Megan Fox! Sammi and Ronnie are Brangelina! And "Mike gets into a Jake Gyllenhaal 'situation!'" Couldn't this year's Oscars use a little more spray tan and grind dancing?
Grade: F (Partially moldy Jersey tomatoes.)

In Touch
In Touch claims they scored the last interview with Brittany Murphy, but this wasn't a Barbara Walters-type affair. In Touch reporter Amy Webber just asked Murphy about her holiday plans at the Tt Collection's Pop Up Boutique opening in L.A. on December 3. However, according to the mag, "Getting up to say goodbye, Brittany hugged Amy three times, stared intently into her eyes and clung to her for dear life, which some experts on death reportedly say means the person may know on some level their own death is imminent." Experts on death say hugging a tabloid reporter means you'll die soon? Noted. In other news, "The Purity Ring Is Off!" Kevin Jonas got married two weeks ago and replaced his "silver-studded purity ring" with a "2.24-carat stainless steel wedding band." In Touch asks, "So did Kevin finally get lucky?" Um, yes. In fact and insider reports that Kevin and his wife Danielle Deleasa, "are devout Christians — so there's a good chance they won't use birth control... It could even be a honeymoon baby... they're basically putting it in God's hands." Next: Angelina had a big fight with Brad's mom on December 18, Brad's 46th birthday. Though Angie already shut down Brad's plans to spend Thanksgiving with his folks in Missouri, he tried to schedule a Christmas visit. Angie refused and when Brad's mom called to ask why, "Angelina fired back, telling Jane she's sick of her interfering in her and Brad's lives." Later Brad's dad called to say Angie had "ruined the holidays." The Jersey Shore cast got glammed up for Life & Style but In Touch gave the ladies makeunders (image 11). In closing, remember this scary picture of Lindsay Lohan in a bathing suit with bruises and scratches all over her body? It made In Touch's "One Hot Winter" spread (image 12). It seems someone found that missing chunk of skin from her right thigh in Photoshop.
Grade: F (Flat champagne.)

Angelina's Cheating Bombshell!
Apparently Brad read Angelina's poorly-translated interview with the German magazine Das Neue and he does think "fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship." Angie told Brad that she wants to have an open relationship, but "having his partner sleep with other men and women is not OK," so he had no choice but to storm off on his motorcycle. (Doesn't he realize this would clear the way for his reunion with Jennifer Aniston?) Star reports that he "headed to the one place he could unwind, a biker bar in Malibu called Neptune's Net." "He had a few beers and ordered some onion rings, which he barely ate," says a source. "He talked to some bikers, and they discussed their bikes. A few women came up to him, and Brad likes that. He's a flirt, but that's it." An employee from Cafe Metro in New York offered more evidence that Brad and Angie (who Star still insists is pregnant) are drifting apart: While Brad walked up to the counter and ordered four hot chocolates, Angie stayed behind at the table, keeping an eye on their small children. Blind Item: Which starlet has friends worried she could be Hollywood's next untimely death? Few outside her circle suspect, but she's abusing pills to dull the pain of missing her ex. Brooke Shields, who plays Miley Cyrus' mom on Hannah Montana, is pushing her to go to college so she has something to fall back on. Miley is considering it and she'd "love to be an Ivy Leaguer like Brooke," who went to Princeton. Tiger Woods has been hooking up with Rachel Uchitel in Florida and they're planning to run off to the Bahamas together. Finally, did Robert Pattinson dump Kristen Stewart for the blonde chick he hooked up with in France? In a word, no. Rob was photographed with Erika Dutra one night in May, but her dad says she's dating someone else. Though, "I wouldn't be surprised at all if Robert was interested in dating my daughter. There are a lot of beautiful girls out there, but she has it all — beauty, brains, and wisdom."
Grade: D- (Free fresco taco from Taco Bell.)