Today's Women's Wear Daily bemoans the five types of dysfunctional "extreme shoppers." These women live where conspicuous consumption and pathology meet. You know them, surely — or, at least, you've seen them: They demand attention. They cry in the dressing room. They cry outside of the dressing room. They cry outside of the dressing room while still undressed. They attempt to get poor unsuspecting sales clerks naked in a dressing room with them. Thing is, has anyone ever met one of these types? Will anyone admit to being one? After the jump, the categories of terror.

The Five Types of Extreme Shoppers

  1. Miss Lonely Hearts: "Well-practiced at pouring her heart out to a salesperson on a regular basis."
    In brief, these ladies are really rich... Off of their husband's money. They don't work. Spending aforementioned husband's money is their main occupation. Also, these women are getting increasingly younger and younger. This "type" also includes, however, the mid-divorce-wife who is trying to drive up her spending habits to get more in the settlement. Consider these your executive nut jobs, to paraphrase Eddie Izzard. No fucking around with these ladies.

  2. The Addict: "Shops nonstop, and isn't exactly sure why."
    If a customer makes her first phone call from the plastic surgeon's recovery room to her favorite sales clerk, asking him to send over the latest looks for her new body (true story!), she's an addict.

  3. The Psycho Shopper: "Prone to tantrums and just plain bizarre behavior. One such shopper had a Bergdorf Goodman staffer snap naked photos of her in the dressing room."
    Known for exhibiting "register rage," turning a dressing room into her satellite office, and saying things like, "My husband is jealous of these boots because they are better looking than he is. He hasn't spoken to me in a week because he thinks I am paying more attention to my boots than to him."

  4. The Performer-Exhibitionist:"Inclined to parade around the store in her underwear, flirt with salespeople or show off her latest dance move or bauble."
    Based on WWD's reporting, these women are really into yoga. They might start performing poses at the register. Or, they might begin their practice in the middle of the sales floor wearing "only a thong." Says one poor salesman, "I can't tell you how many naked women I have seen. It's a safe perversion for them. They know I'm gay but they love the idea of a man looking at them naked. They have me lift a boob, adjust a bra or snap a bodysuit. Ick."

  5. Little Ms. Indecisive: "Tries on clothes as a form of exercise, is a big fan of putting merchandise on hold for days before actually buying and often is a chronic returner."
    Apparently, these customers are "in mourning." Because they're probably already deeply in debt. Fun!

Shoppers In Need Of A Little In-Store Psychology [WWD, sub req'd]