Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I search for juicy gossip in In Touch, Us, Life& Style, Star and Ok!. In case you hadn't heard, Nicole and Joel had a Moonie wedding!

"He's Mine!"
The story is called "Crazy In Love." "After months of steamy, no-strings-attached hookups" Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer "have decided what they want to be to each other: Full time lovers." Jen "had an epiphany" and realized that "not every romantic connection needs to lead to marriage." Although she's "vowed" to get pregnant by her 41st birthday, she doesn't want to pressure John. But she does want him to be the father of her child. Also: Jen's "secret pain" is that her dog, Norman, is sick; he's got joint stiffness and trouble walking, so Jen got him a masseuse. In addition, he eats organic white meat chicken and organic rice. Next: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are ready to reunite. JT turned to Cammie to get advice about his "crumbling" relationship with Jessica. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian want to start a family, even though they're not planning on getting married. In a random interview with Paris Hilton, she's asked about Jon Gosselin, she says: "I don't know why anyone would care. He just seems like a hungry tiger going through a mid-life crisis." A tiger? Maybe she saw his Ed Hardy jeans and got confused. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are planning a romantic rendez-vous, but a friend of Swift's says: "It's so funny: They're both household names, but they both have to check with their parents before going on vacation together."
Grade: D- (dying for a cult)

Life & Style
"Kim: I'm Having A Baby."
Talk about cover lies: Kim Kardashian is NOT pregnant. Inside, the mag says: "If all goes according to plan, Kim WILL be pregnant by next October." Next: Are Joel Madden and Nicole Richie married? An insider says the story is 100% false. No secret ceremony! In the "Countdown To New Moon" story, this sentence is key: "With fewer than 20 days until the sequel's release on Nov. 20, bloodthirsty fans are working themselves into a frenzy — and the cast is ready to bite back!" Oh! Rumor Vs. Truth: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are not engaged. But they are dating. They're staying on the same floor of the Sheraton Vancouver Wall Center, but they have separate 2 bedroom suites. Moving along… "How Britney Got Her Best Body Ever" is a tie-in to the cover line, "Easy Fat Burning Tricks." Guess what these tricks are? She's getting 8 hours of sleep a night, drinking a ton of water, eating three normal meals a day. And! She's doing 800 to 1000 crunches a day. Here's Sharon Osbourne on Karl Lagerfeld, who recently said "No one wants to see curvy women." She says: "I have a really good plastic surgeon that could help him out with his face. My god he's ugly." Angelina Jolie has a "deep-seated fear of hugging." She told a British mag: "A handshake is all I can handle from people who aren't close to me." An insider says: "Angelina doesn't like her personal space to be invaded. She just has to have it on her terms. She has to decide who will hug or kiss her, and when." Um, that sounds reasonable? Uncertainly and stress about Justin Timberlake are making Jessica Biel drop pounds. The reason? "After more than two years, Justin still hasn't put a ring on it." Also, the mag points out: "Her butt's vanished." (See image 7.) The "Surprising Celebrity Couples" box includes Halle Berry and Donny Wood, Brad Pitt and Christina Applegate, and a picture of a kitten and a chick. (See image 8.) Gisele Bunchen is having a girl, and will decorate the nursery in cream and seafoam green. Victoria Beckham picked her son up from school wearing a $18,726 outfit. (See image 9.) Lastly, in an interview with Amber Riley, aka Mercedes from Glee, she says: "You're not your dress size. You're not your shoe size. You're not your pants size. If I'm going to wear a name tag, it's going to say 'Amber Riley," not 'Fat Girl.'"
Grade: D- (marrying a cult member)

"How Love Saved Britney."
Britney Spears and Jason Trawick went on vacation in Mexico with Brit's dad and her kids. Jason and Britney are really getting along: Brit's dad loves him, Brit's mom loves him and everything is great. Moving on: Michael Lohan flew out to be with Lindsay Lohan after her home was robbed, but he had a photographer with him. Lindsay tells the mag: "There was a paparazzi with him. It's just like, can't you be a father behind closed doors without cameras? I wish he would shut up." And about those reports that Michael wants to kidnap Lindsay and get her into rehab, LL says: "He's the one who needs to see someone — for his addiction to the media." Lindsay also says: "Everything is good. I'm in a good place." Paris Jackson has been wearing a small key on a chain around her neck; it fits into a locket that was placed on Michael Jackson's body as it was interred. Sad. Nadya Suleman lost 145 pounds by doing midnight workouts. And giving birth to 8 kids. In Gosselin "news," with mommy and daddy arguing, the kids are suffering: Mady has been getting into trouble at school for name-calling. The kids try to see how much they can get away with. The sextuplets talk back more, hit more — the boys especially. And: "When Mady gets off the school bus, she'll drop her bag at Jon's feet and walk past without a hello," says a source. "Jon yells at her, but she doesn't seem to care. I think she picked that skill up from Kate." Want details of Khloe Kardashian's prenup? The mag provides a handy chart. (See image 10.) We sorta love this quote from Taylor Swift: "In high school, Halloween seemed like an excuse for all the girls to take off their clothes. My best friend and I decided to go against the trend." She was Chewbacca! (See image 11.)
Grade: D (joining a cult )

In Touch
"Baby Joy." Here's what we learned from Kendra: "Well, a lot of it is TMI. But I was reading a baby book that said right now your breasts are going to leak. And I freaked. So then I was experimenting and I squeezed my boob and stuff came out. I screamed. I felt like a cow!" Next: Angelina promised Brad she would take a break from movies, but she's gone back on her word and signed on for lead role in The Tourist. THAT HUSSY. A "friend" says: "Pretending to be someone else for 14 hours a day makes her problems feel less real." Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie Cole Ayers has "replaced" Jon as Kate's companion and is "making her happier than Jon ever did." A "pal" says: "They love going out for coffee and girl talk. And sometimes they'll even have sleepovers." Sometimes they fall asleep in the same bed, and "are as close as two women can be." And since they were seen holding hands, OMG are they LESBIANS?!?! An "associate" says: "They're very fond of each other, almost like sisters. They're close enough to hold hands or take a nap together… But it's a platonic love." In an "In Touch Intervention," there are letters to Lindsay and the headline is "We Don't Want You To Die." The letters are from Michael Lohan, Courtenay Semel, and one of the intervention leaders from the show Intervention. This should have been the cover story! They wrote "heart-wrenching" letters to the mag, hoping LL would read them. Michael Lohan's letter calls LL honey four times in two paragraphs. (See image 14, with highlighting by Margaret.) Here's a snippet: "I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down our faces, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you." Also inside: Katie Holmes' parents are begging her to come home to Ohio. An insider says: "She used to be so bubbly and positive… The spark is gone." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Even though John already owns an apartment in Manhattan. He's moving his stuff into her place in LA, and they're looking for a place to share in NYC. Her rep, naturally, denies this story. T.R. Knight has broken up with his boyfriend of almost two years, Mark Cornelsen, but there are no hard feelings. Lastly: "Is This What 17 Looks Like?" calls out Taylor Lautner and Taylor Momsen who are "growing up too fast."
Grade: D+ (getting married by a cult leader)

"Nicole & Joel: Married!"
Nicole Richie and Joel Madden supposedly got married on October 14th, in their home — along with 45,000 other people — as part of a mass wedding by the Unification Church. No, really. A source says after DJ AM died, Nicole didn't want to spend another day not being Mrs. Joel Madden. While the Reverend Sun Myoung Moon wed bunch of people in South Korea, Nicole and Joel were watching it on the internet with a justice of the peace who was translating and marrying them! To celebrate, two days later, Nicole and Joel went to Teddy's with Benji Madden and Samantha Ronson. Nicole was sitting on Joel's lap and people were congratulating them. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan flew to LA for her court date, but immediately went out partying. She was seen cuddling with Balthazar Getty — and left with him at 1:30am. When she showed up at court the next morning, she had "angry welts" on her arms — "tell-tale signs of cutting herself." (See image 12). After leaving court, she wanted to celebrate not having to go to jail, so she went to Teddy's and got so smashed that she left slumped in the backseat of someone's car. She went back to the same club the next night and kept going up to the DJ booth, where Samantha Ronson was spinning, and an eyewitness says: "Lindsay had circles under her eyes and looked like she hadn't showered in days." Oooh, George Clooney "Knifestyles"! A plastic surgeon who does not treat the Cloons thinks he had Botox, upper and lower eyelid surgery, and filler in his smile lines. (See image 13.) In an exclusive interview with Levi Johnston, the mag asks about him posing for Playgirl: "Are we going to see the full monty?" And Levi says: "I don't know. I'm going to decide that on the fly. I want to keep it classy." This piece has lots of stuff you never wanted to know about him toning up his ass, his manscaping and his "dream job," which is "maybe getting into acting." Kill me now. Next, the mag claims that Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend, Nate Lowman, proposed to her while they were on vacation in Paris. The ring was hidden in a truffle box. Katie Holmes gave James Van Der Beek Cameron Diaz's email address, and Dawson and Cammie have been "cyberflirting." Blind item: "Which dancing hunk would rather be doing the mambo with a guy? Though publicly straight, he's been carrying on an affair with a man for years, and he intends to keep it secret." CoughDonnieOsmond?Cough. Penelope Cruz will have a cameo in Sex And The City 2 as the CEO of an international company — Carrie with catch Mr. Big flirting with her character. At an event last week in New York, Madonna confessed to a partygoer that she's become so self conscious about her veiny hands, she'll wear gloves even when it's not cold out. Kelly Rutherford was at a party in NY where the staff was handing out Godiva chocolates; Kelly would smell them, lick them, then put them down, so as not to ruin her diet. Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are fighting over where their baby will be delivered; Gisele wants to give birth in Brazil, surrounded by her family; Tom's football season won't be over so he wants her to do it in L.A. and just fly the family to California. Kate Gosselin accidentally left her diary out on her nightstand and now thinks that Jon stole it. Apparently she misses the good sex she and Jon used to have, hates her body and hates Joy Behar for asking her tough questions on The View. (Not only do we not believe she left her diary out, we don't believe she has a diary.) David Boreanaz is a "serial cheater" who allegedly has been hooking up with a NYC event planner. Jodie Sweetin says that when she did her last round of interviews about getting off of drugs, she was on drugs. But now she says "I'm tired of lying." She's shilling a memoir, UnSweetined, though she's been sober less than a year. And she says: "life isn't like a Full House episode. Uncle Jesse isn't going to come into that courtroom and convince the judge to rule in my favor by singing a Beach Boys song... But that's life, and I think I'm finally starting to get it." Lastly: Jessica Biel was so upset about the rumors involving Rihanna and Justin that she flew to NYC to confront Rihanna. But friends say Rihanna is "an honest, upfront person" who has nothing to hide and said she'd show Jessica the pictures of Justin she had on her BlackBerry. But! They never met up.
Grade: C- (listening to The Cult)