Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where Margaret and I shovel the meaningless manure in Us, Life & Style, In Touch, Star and Ok! Why should we care about the Gosselins when we're already standing in line for Shiloh's pirate flick?!?!!

Life & Style
"Don't Call Me Fat."
Since Khloe Kardashian wore a bikini on this mag's cover in early September, and wore a red swimsuit on the cover in July, this marks her third time in swimwear on the cover of Life & Style in the last four months. Apparently bloggers talked shit about her weight and called her names and she says: "Everyone criticizes me about my weight all the time. It's easy for me to be like some other girls in Hollywood — not eat and become anorexic — but thank goodness I am strong-willed and secure with myself." The mag says: "She's getting the last laugh: She has the perfect body and the perfect man." In Angie and Brad news, we learn that they had bodyguard for each twin when they visited Amman, Jordan. Next, an insider says that when Justin and Rihanna were in the studio, their chemistry was on fire. Jessica is chalking it up to the fact that he's a flirt. Justin's grandma says: "As far as we're concerned, he's always been single." Lastly, in an interview with Jennifer Hudson, she claims that her two-month old son said "hi." She and her husband David fights over who wants to hold him, because they both want to hold him all the time.
Grade: D- (horse shit)

"Stop Wrecking Our Lives!"
Please note that on the cover, Kate has her hand on her kid's head, and he is screaming. Anyway. All Margaret learned in this cover story was that Jon Gosselin went to a party called Millions Of Milkshakes, where he drank a milkshake and then headed to the Chateau Marmont, where he partied until 2 AM. Moving on: A source tells the mag that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel "bicker constantly" and are more like brother and sister — he complains about her dogs, her career choices and her TV shows. Jess is happy in sweats in now makeup, but Justin irons his T-shirts and follows her dogs around, wiping their paws. Next: After watching Pirates Of The Caribbean more than 10 times, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to star in her own pirate movie. She would like her character's name to be Peter Pirate, and she goes around the house calling her siblings "matey" all the time. A source says: "She's got Brad wrapped around her little finger. And if she wants to star in a pirate film, he very well might make it happen." Shiloh told Brad the film must have "absolutely no ghosts or skeletons" because they scare her too much! Jennifer Aniston is taking "state-of-the art" prenatal vitamins religiously. She's excited because they're making her hair grow and look shiny. She's "preparing for her biggest role yet: Being a mom." There are no details about how this will happen. Magic? One night stand? IVF? A-Rod called Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and asked if they would give their blessing if he asked Kate Hudson to marry him. Goldie is torn, knowing A-Rod's rep. But she also knows Kate is an adult. Anyway: A-Rod is planning to propose around New Year's. In Aspen. Because he wants to do it in front of a fireplace with snow falling outside. Propose, that is.
Grade: D (cow pie)

In Touch
"Facing Their Monsters."
I'm just going to come out and say that it doesn't seem right to lump Elizabeth Smart and Jaycee Dugard in with all the other trashy celebs, so we're skipping this story. We don't come to In Touch for this kind of information. So. What else is inside? Suri Cruise has more than 100 pairs of shoes. When Katie Holmes was out jogging with Tom Cruise, he kept turning around and jogging backwards, shouting "Harder! Faster!" A source says: "She looked resentful, but he kept doing it." George Clooney bought girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis a Cartier diamond ring. Did you know that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are "promoting peace… but teaching violence"? (See image 6) Lastly: Tyra Banks talks about her new slimmer physique: "I realize my body responds more to eating healthy and working out moderately, as opposed to eating like crazy and working out like crazy."
Grade: D (dove droppings)

Kate Gosselin has been "moody and angry" and a source says she's been slamming cabinet doors, car doors, bedroom doors and "everything else she can slam." The mag reads: "The nights are the hardest." She goes out driving for no reason and comes back looking like she's been crying. A source says neither Kate nor Jon seem to care about how the kids are faring, and nannies are doing 95% of the work. Jon gets annoyed when they interrupt him when he's on the phone. Oh, and Jon wants Botox, more hairplugs, and lipo. And he'd like to get his stomach stapled. The page called "Ageless A-Listers" is pretty much pix of people who have made deals with the Devil and are no longer aging. Can you guess in which snap the star is younger? (See image 7). BTW, Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri are back together. Justin Timberlake was at Crown Bar "acting single" — a blonde danced seductively between his legs and "it was almost a lap dance." I don't care how much Hermes Heidi Montag has in her closet (see image 8), I would rather hang out in Juliette Lewis's closet! (See image 9.) If you ever wondered how Vanessa Williams stays so sexy, her secret is "yoga, yogurt and Botox." Lastly, Kingston Rossdale's style was evaluated by the Fashion Police and proclaimed "Dope." Agreed!!! (See image 10)
Grade: D+ (kitty krap)

"95 Lbs! Tori Collapses!"
Tori Spelling's all stressed out, because the ex-wife of her husband Dean McDermott is publishing a book that reveals skeezy details about Dean. So. Tori hasn't been eating and someone who doesn't treat her says she is 95 lbs. She went to the hospital on September 28 with abdominal pains, headaches and dizziess, and they ran tests, but couldn't find anything. She went back to the hospital on Oct. 4 for more tests. A doctor who doesn't treat her says she looks "skeletal." Eva Longoria and Kim Kardaisan both had a bobbed wig and vamp makeup in two different photoshoots for two different obsucre magazines, so they are labeled "copycats!" (See image 11). On the "Knifestyles" page, Nicole Kidman is "unrecognizable" with a "newly plump pucker." (See image 12) In Gosselin news, babysitter Stephanie Santoro — with whom Jon supposedly had an affair — says that Jon bragged months ago about raiding Kate's bank account and hacking into her email and text messages. She says: "He doesn't care where his money comes from, or who he has to hurt to get it. He said to me that if he had to, he would use everything in his power — even the kids — to fight Kate for more money." Jon used to work as an IT security guy and Steph says Jon has access to Kate's online banking and has hacked into her email, gathering info. The mag wonders if Jon will go to jail for hacking. Mary-Kate and Ashley are having a "race to the altar." Unfortunately it's not a drag race. Neither wants to be second, because whoever gets married first will steal attention from the other. "Mary-Kate's ring finger is getting itchy," according to the mag. Ashley has been with Justin Bartha for more than a year and has narrowed down a wedding location. Then there's a bunch of speculation about what kind of wedding each would have — Mary-Kate's would be in an edgy art gallery with dark colors; Ashley would have a more elegant affair, etc. Not that either of them is engaged. Blind item: "Which starlet is Hollywood's worst tipper? After a restaurant comped her $2600 meal, she left an 8% gratuity What kind of warped reality is she living in?" A fan approached Kirsten Dunst for an autograph, and a source says, "She was just a sweet young girl, and Kirsten literally said grrr. like a dog." Pink and Carey Hart stopped at a traffic light for a makeout session. They were at a red light, got into it, and didn't realize the light turned green. Awww. Kanye West is making plans to stay at an Ashram in Pondicherry, India. He feels bad about Taylor Swift and is trying to turn things around. Lamar Odom's ex-girlfriend, Lara Manoukian, who was with him for 7 years, says they were still couple when Khloe Kardashian entered the picture. But Lamar would cheat on Lara, and she says "I treated that fool like a king." She says that he was trying to get her pregnant two months ago and "maybe Khloe saved me from the biggest day of my life." Also, Lamar reportedly proposed to Taraji P. Henson a week before meeting Khloe. This story is accompanied by a shot of Lamar smoking a joint. The father of Holly Hester, one of the women David Letterman had an affair with in the '90s when she was an intern on the show, says: "My daughter is probably ashamed of what happened. What he did was wrong, it was inappropriate. He is a predator."
Grade: D+ (puppy poop)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.