Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I look for "news" in In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. Is Jennifer Aniston's baby bump for real? Will Justin Timberlake date Rihanna? Is Angie adopting again?!?!?!
"Pregnant At 40!"
Notice how the words "it's a bump!" appear on the cover, but it doesn't actually say "baby bump," because that might be a lie? And though the main cover line is "Pregnant at 40," below that, the deck insinuates that she's ready to be pregnant at 40. Inside, we learn that Jennifer Aniston went to the premiere of Love Happens and an onlooker says, "Her midsection was definitely more rounded than usual… At one point she was running her hands across her stomach." Later in the article, a source says that if Jennifer's not pregnant now, she will be in the very near future, because she's "set her heart" on getting pregnant before her 41st birthday. Moving on: The magazine "invites" readers to the wedding of Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom, but writes: "See next week's issue for the exclusive photos and interview." So it's not really an invitation, is it. Also: The story goes, "While Kourtney is due to give birth to her first child in December, it looks like Khloe will be the first to become a mom." That's because Lamar has two kids. Even though Khloe has known Lamar (and his kids) for less than a month, a source says "She's a great stepmom already."
Grade: [Academic probation continues]
Life & Style
The cover picture is from when Khloe was on Celebrity Apprentice in March. Inside, we learn that Khloe and her mother planned a wedding in 2 weeks, and Khloe and Lamar both lost a parent to cancer. Moving on: Katherine Heigl's new adopted Korean baby has "special needs," but we don't know what her special needs are. Next: Will weight gain destroy Renée Zellweger's relationship? She's getting cozy with Bradley Cooper, but now she has to pack on pounds for the Bridget Jones sequel. The mag says: "Now… she has a man she wants to stay in shape for." Next, there are more shots of Jennifer Aniston's tummy, and her hand on her tummy (See image 7). Margaret thinks it is a conspiracy, cooked up by Jen herself, to get people talking. In The Baster, Jen plays a woman who opts for artificial insemination to have a baby; when asked if that's in the cards for her, Jen said: "I'm ready for anything — bring it on!" So the magazine presents a sidebar called "Who Will She Ask?" Meaning: For sperm. The nominees are Gerard Butler, Jen's hairstylist, and John Mayer. Lastly: There are cliques on the set of the Twilight flick! Kellan Lutz, who plays vampire Emmet Cullen, says: "All of the humans usually stick together. And all the wolves do. And the vampires. We try to mix it up, but it's just something that happens."
Grade: D- ("I'm Lovin' It")
"Brad's Moving Out."
This entire story is based on Brad flying to Spain for the San Sebastian International Film Festival. It only lasts a week, but the mag says "Brad has been living out of a suitcase for more than a week." Angie supposedly kicked him out if the house and said this time it's for good, because he didn't want to go with her to Ethiopia. He's been looking at apartments in Paris… which is 500 miles away from where his kids live, Chateau Mirval. Jessica Simpson "can't handle" another loss. A concerned friend says she's not eating or sleeping and is "barely functioning" since Daisy disappeared. The friend adds: "It's the worst thing that ever happened to her." The mag continues: "Jessica's pooch has been loyal to her in a way that no man has ever been." Next: "Is Jon A Sex Addict? His Women Speak Out." Jon Gosselin's rep says he's "flattered" that women claim to have been with him, but he's only been with one woman: Hailey. Stephanie Santoro says Jon is not shy about picking up strangers: If his friends spot a good-looking girl, he asks them for a picture of their breasts. Dr. Judy Kuransky, who does not treat Jon, thinks he is a sex addict. A friend of Kate Gosselin's says Jon has turned into a male slut. Someone else says that Stephanie and Jon had sex in the basement of Jon's house while a friend watched, and it was Jon's idea. Kate Major says one time her father called her while she was with Jon and Jon said, "Did you tell your dad he's going to be a stepgrandfather to 8 kids?" Moving along: The real reason Avril Lavigne is separating from Deryck Whibley? She's having a relationship with Brandon Davis. Last year Deryck texted Brandon: Stay away from my wife. But recently, Brandon gave Avril an ultimatum; he likes her but doesn't want to date a married woman. Then there's a six page thing called "Celebrity Weight Debate: How Thin Is Too Thin?" 100% of readers think Posh is "scary skinny." 71% of readers think Lindsay looks "unhealthy." And so on. Finally: Friends want Kanye West to go to rehab. A group of his pals confronted him in an "informal intervention" because he was chugging Hennessy on the red carpet before the MTV Awards. "They fear he's going to destroy his career if he continues to act like a fool." The only source in this story is an employee at a hotel in Hawaii where Kanye has stayed, who says: "He hangs out at the Veranda bar and drinks expensive liquor." And who wouldn't? There's a sidebar about how much he's changed since his mother died — now he hangs with a "wild crowd" which includes — gasp! — Amber Rose, who "used to be a stripper, has posed nude and has dated women, too."
Grade: C, downgraded to D for ridiculous cover story ("Like I Love You")
"Heartbreak And A New Tragedy."
Since Daisy's disappearance, Jessica Simpson has been distraught. A witness saw Jess at a birthday dinner on September 19 and says: "She looked really down and didn't eat much." The mag adds: "Drinking wine and sangria was not a problem, especially when the music of her ex-boyfriend, John Mayer, started blasting throughout the Italian wine bar." A source says: "Daisy was her baby. She's devastated… She isn't sleeping, barely eating, and is crying her eyes out. She feels like she's being punished for something. Jessica is very spiritual and relates things back to God." Next: Emmy Rossum, 23, is dating Adam Duritz, 45. He Tweeted: "She's the coolest chick I've ever met." We bet! In Brad and Angelina news: Even though there were tabloid reports that the twins, Knox and Vivienne, had health issues, which is why they were never seen, a source says "They're perfectly healthy." There are four pages of Kourtney Kardashian explaining why she's with her ex, who sperminated her, in "Why I Took Scott Back." When asked what do you love about Kourtney? Scott replied: "I think she's gorgeous. I think her body's perfect. And there is no one in the world I care more about making happy." Translation: She's hot and I knocked her up. Chynna Phillips, whose half sister Mackenzie has just dropped the bomb that she had sex with their father, says: "After long nights of heroin use, she's claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her. Was he actually raping her? I don't know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and it went on for 10 years? Yes." Also inside, in Gosselin news, a source says that Judy, the kids' main nanny, might as well be their mother: "She spends more time with them than anyone." Lastly: Dustin Diamond's tell-all spills juicy secrets about the Saved By The Bell cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar took steroids; castmembers hooked up after the cameras stopped rolling; Mario Lopez was once investigated for date rape.
Grade: D+ ("Señorita")
"Reliving Their Nightmare"
John Travolta is going to be called as a witness in his extortion case in the Bahamas, which will make him "relive his nightmare." A friend says: "It's like Jett is dying all over again." Angie and Brad have had "their biggest blow up ever!" When Angie was in Ethiopia with Shiloh and Zahara, she met an Ethiopian girl in an orphanage she wanted to adopt — even her daughters met this girl and hugged her as they were leaving. Brad doesn't want to adopt again so soon, and he accused Angie of being "like a kid in the pet store, wanting all the cute puppies." She screamed at him that these weren't dogs — these were children. The mag claims that Angie's already started the paperwork and things are going forward. Moving on: Kelis and Nas are back together! They reunited after spending quality time with their 2-month-old son and had a long talk about making it work. Next: Pamela Anderson is a "dead beat diva." She's had a number of liens filed against her, totally more than $1.2 million. She hired a bunch of contractors to work on her house in Malibu and is now refusing to pay. You know how David Hasslehoff went to the hospital last week? The mag claims it was from alcohol poisoning. His daughter Hayley found him half-conscious; but he denies that he was drunk and says his ear medication mixed with his anti-alcoholic drugs caused the problem. Still: Hayley rolled her eyes when she heard that excuse and he allegedly had alcohol on his breath and a glass of vodka near him when she found him. A surgeon who does not treat Courtney Love says "she's definitely had work on her eyes, cheeks, chin and lips." Duh! (See image 6). Robert Pattinson is "tired of his sex symbol image," so he stuck a picture of himself on a dartboard in his trailer. He takes shot at it, and asks everyone else to do the same. And! Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart made out in the dressing room of a store in Toronto — they came out "mussed up and breathing heavily." Blind item! "Which actor refused to take pictures at the premiere of Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs because he thought he was too sweaty? Hyperhidrosis or hyperdiva?" Hailey Glassman got a boob job! Another magazine said she had surgery for a cyst in her leg; but this mag says she got the "lollipop lift" that makes one breast smaller and lifts them both. A "friend" says Hailey confided: "I feel like I need to compete with all the other perfect girls going after Jon." Hailey would also like to straighten her hair and get "whiter, bigger" teeth. Jon will get lipo on his pot belly. Finally: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are experiencing "trouble in paradise." Justin went to an MTV VMA afterparty where Rihanna sat on his lap and they grinded; then he freaked when someone took a picture. A source says of Justin and Rihanna: "He's been sweating her for a long time… Rihanna thinks he's hot and would definitely date him." Justin and Jess were spotted walking their dogs on September 16 but weren't holding hands or speaking to each other and Jess looked miserable. A few days later, Justin went to the Emmys alone, and flirted with Olivia Wilde.
Grade: C- ("SexyBack")