Welcome, dear friends, to your Jezebel Horoscope for September, 2009. I've enlisted the help of completely phony and unreliable astrologist, Eloise McBean, to help us look to the stars to determine just what lies ahead of us this September.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Once upon a mid-Tuesday dreary, I came across a cat, wandering in the woods. "Cat," I said, "you do not belong here!" I said this, of course, because the cat was wearing a nametag that read "Sprinkles, 18 Parmesan Road," and Parmesan Road is approximately five miles from the woods. Quite a ways from home, this animal was! "Get back to your home," I demanded, and the cat obliged. Well, I think he did. He ran away, anyway. This is you, Aries. You need to get back to your home. You've gone off the rails a bit! You are Sprinkles in the woods. But do not fear! Your headstrong nature will help you find the right path. Famous Aries: Claire Danes (April 12)
Celebrity Who Will Annoy You This Month: Jon Gosselin.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's another month of hard work for you, Taurus. Like the dependable Ford model that borrowed your name for several years, you are reliable, practical, and not too flashy. You are like a camera without a flash, or a reformed pervert who wears a trenchcoat with clothing underneath. You see? The capacity for flash is there, but you reign it in, quite sensibly. You're like a pan with a non-stick surface. Except some of those are flashy. The Williams-Sonoma ones, for example. There's some flash in that pan! What was I talking about? Oh yes. September. It's going to be good month for you as long as you want it to be, Taurus. Your work ethic and good heart will power you through. Famous Taurus: Cate Blanchett (May 14)
Animal You Will See In Your Neighborhood This Month: Dog, possibly cat!

Gemini (May 21-June 20): My former best friend, Millie Wafflehausen, was as two-faced as they come. That's you, Gemini. You are a two-faced Millie Wafflehausen. It's not your fault: you are a complex being who can't always decide which side of yourself you like best. But unlike Millie, you can be a nice two-face: the dual nature of your personality allows for a multi-faceted life with many fun surprises. As long as you don't steal anyone's boyfriend like a certain tramp whose initials are M.W., your September will be filled with exciting adventures that suit both sides of your complex self. Love and happiness are yours for the taking! My boyfriend, Olivier, however, is not. You hear me, Wafflehausen? Famous Gemini: Heidi Klum (June 1)
Word You Will Use In A Sentence This Month: The

Cancer: (June 21-July 22) Cancer, why are you such a crab? Get it?! That's some astrological humor for you! I know. I know! I should go on tour. That's what everyone says. Are you still listening? Probably not, as you have a tendency to withdraw and begin daydreaming whenever you're anxious or irritated. Still mad? It's probably because this conversation hasn't focused on YOU yet. You're a kind soul, Cancer, but you can be a bit needy, and you don't like it when the world tries to bring you down. Due to the calamity filled newscycle, you've been in a bit of a mood all summer. But don't worry! Things will get better! Even for you, dear Crab. September will be filled with opportunities for brighter days, or at least better daydreams. Famous Cancer: Meryl Streep (June 22).
Vehicle You Will See On The Highway This Month: Car

Leo (July 23-August 22): My darling Olivier is a Leo! Leo, you should shower the love of your life in jewels and candies this month. It's your nature, after all, to be quite generous and a bit extravagant. The recession has put a bit of a damper on your typically opulent lifestyle, but you still find a way to share your generosity with others, through being a good and loyal friend. September will be a good month for you: not only will you strengthen relationships with loved ones, but fall sales will have you feeling like your old glamorous spendy self again! Famous Leo: Audrey Tautou (August 9)
Television Show You Will Hear About This Month: Project Runway

Virgo (August 23-September 22) About a month ago, I saw a man riding a unicycle down the road. "You're missing a wheel," I called to him. I'd never seen a unicycle before! I thought his bicycle had broken in two, and that he hadn't noticed. "Fix your bicycle!" I screamed, "For the love of god! Fix your bicycle!" "Lady," he yelled back, "are you crazy or just stupid?" Virgo, this is a question for the ages. Like me, you have a tendency to see a unicycle and immediately panic. Relax, Virgo! You aren't crazy or stupid. You just jump to conclusions and have tizzies over things that can easily be broken down and made sense of. September will be challenging at times, but as long as you remember that like a unicyclist, we can all find balance if we try, you'll be just fine. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler (September 16)
Article Of Clothing You Will Wear This Month: Shirt

Libra (September 23-October 22) Libra, you are often unfairly painted as the Shallow Sally of the Stars. This is simply not true, except for the occasions wherein you do or say really shallow things. The pool of September is deep, and so are you Libra, when you choose to let others in. Your dashing looks are a draw to everyone, but only the lucky few get to know you for who you truly are. Look for the lucky few in September, Libra. As my mother always said, "It's better to be an open door than a closed window with mold on it that causes toxic lung syndrome." She was very romantic about such things. Famous Libra: Kate Winslet (October 5)
Person You Will See In The Mirror This Month: Yourself

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Olivier took me to The Chili's for our 8 day anniversary, and I made the mistake of ordering a spicy black bean burger. It was too intense, dear Scorpio! It was delicious, but spicy, and I spent the rest of the evening drinking water to try to stop the burning in my throat. This is a metaphor for your September, Scorpio. You are the black bean burger! You're intense and firey, but at times you can be too much, and people want to throw water at you. The stress of leaving September behind will challenge your temper, but as long as you remember to have a cool drink now and then (that is also a metaphor! It means: "Calm down and relax!") you'll be just fine. Famous Scorpio: Anne Hathaway (November 12)
Sound You Will Hear This Month: Wind

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Things are going to be great for you in September, dear Sagittarius, but you already knew that, didn't you? Can't nobody break your stride! Can't nobody hold you down, oh no! Your glass is always half-full, and that's fine by you. Someone will try to rain on your parade in September, which will be most irritating for you. How dare these fools try to pull your kite down from the sky! They're the chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe. Flick them away and keep on walking. Famous Sagittarius: Tyra Banks (December 4)
Liquid You Will Come In Contact With This Month: Water

Capricorn (December 22-January 21) Well, Bossy Flossie, I bet you think you can do a better job telling me your horoscope than I can, don't you? Your fellow Capricorn, Hortense, has already attempted to edit this piece to death. Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse, Sea Goat! Like everyone has told you since birth, you need to lighten up a bit. Your worry wart ways and need to have everything just so won't help you in September. You can't glue the leaves back on the trees—things change and flow, and you need to learn to go with it. And just think: your power color, brown, is totally in for fall. Huzzah for you, Capricorn! You can be stylish and practical. Famous Capricorn: Zooey Deschanel (January 17)
Item You Will Wear On Your Feet This Month: Shoes

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives." Do you know this show, Aquarius? If not, it doesn't matter. I won't even go into how Marlena being possessed by a devil can represent how sometimes, your point of view is informed by others, but you always come out with a strong sense of self at the end. The point is: life moves quickly, and you're well prepared to move along with it. You're an eager learner who loves to hear differing points of view. September will provide many opportunities for fascinating conversation, something that will help you piece together a more cohesive view of your own future plans. You will also dream of happier times whenever September brings you down. I suggest throwing Clive Owen into these dreams. He looks just like my Olivier! Famous Aquarius: Shakira (February 2)
Bodily Function You Will Take Part In This Month: Sleep

Pisces (February 19-March 22) Yes, Pisces, you are last on the list. But don't cry about it: it gives you plenty of time to write a song or a poem about your feelings on the matter. September brings a wistful, yet hopeful sense of change and possibility: try to channel these things positively instead of writing 28 songs about how your girlfriend, Fern, left you in September of 1994. You are a sweet and slightly tortured soul, Pisces. But the Fall doesn't have to be a sadness festival: it can be a time of cleansing and rebirth, even as the trees are falling apart. Sometimes, like the trees, we need to shed our outer skin in order to begin again. Look! Now I'm a poet at heart, as well. Perhaps if things with Olivier go awry, we can meet up and fall in love. But that's for another time. October, perhaps?Famous Pisces: Rhianna (February 20)
Machine You Will Use This Month: Computer