Last night's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras featured Dwayne, a self-professed "pageant dad," who choreographs his 6-year-old daughter's routines, co-designs her costumes, and does her makeup. He's married to a woman, but the question remains: Is he gay?

Survey says:

Dwayne's daughter is 6-year-old Jayla. I pity the fool who had to subtitle her interviews. I would think that by the age of 6, one should not only be well on his/her way to reading, but also should have mastered speaking simple sentences.


Jayla's mom isn't as involved in the pageant process, but she's supportive of her husband's enthusiasm for it. I was wondering how she was at all convinced that Dwayne was genuinely into vaginal intercourse, but then I realized that the kind of people who are convinced that purchasing a $2,400 dress for a kindergartener is an investment in her future are the kind of people who willingly believe in preposterous notions.

The clincher for me was Dwayne's speech. He doesn't exactly have a lisp, but he pronounces his S's ("ssssswish your armsssss) in a way that suggests that his only interest in females is to live through their femininity vicariously, in the campiest way possible.

Dwayne was psyched about the Senators Room at the hotel in which the pageant was held.

I was curious as to whether any actual senators have ever utilized the designated space in the rural West Virginia town. But maybe Larry Craig has?

Dwayne mentioned that there were a lot more pageant dads at this particular event than he'd ever seen before. This guy was one of them. (He's European.)

Another contestant featured was 6-year-old Riley. She was my favorite for several reasons.
1.) She is a total spazz.

2.) She is on a wrestling team.

3.) She is a tomboy who is oblivious to proper makeup application.

4.) Her hair naturally grows into a style that indicates that she will one day love nothing more than rocking out to tribute bands.

5.) Her favorite toy is "balloons."

6.) She combs rodents with toothbrushes.

7.) And last, but certainly not least, she can "speak animal."

In fact, she's obsessed with animals, and often believes that she is one.

This lady was a judge of the pageant.

She had some words of wisdom when she said, "You know, everyone thinks that beauty pageants are all about the beauty and it's not. You have to have the clothes, the hair and makeup, the photos, the personality, the total package." Ooh, I guess she schooled us. So you have to be artificially beautiful and have personality? I guess the personality part is really important, right?

"For Riley to win, she needs new attire, different hair and makeup…but I mean, she has the personality." Ooooh-Kay.

The third girl featured was 7-year-old Hannah. She is glitz personified.

Mostly, I found her boring, except for the fact that she drinks cup after cup of coffee through a straw.

She won the Grand National Supreme Wizard title in the end, probably because she had a kickass outfit for the "Red Carpet Wear" portion of the competition. The category was described as, "What would you wear on the red carpet to your own movie premiere?" I loved her vision.

She was supposed to be Austin Powers, but I thought she looked more like a Prince protégé. I think the Purple One would have christened her:

This little girl competed in the pageant, but was not really featured in the show. However, I thought she was worth mentioning because her name is Pepper McCormick.

Her parents have some balls, giving her such a spicy name.

But back to the question at hand: Is there such a thing as a heterosexual pageant dad?

Just the idea of it is enough to give you a seizure and make your eyes cross.