See, if I were a celeb, and I got an invite to the "U.S. launch party for the BlackBerry Tour Smartphone from Sprint" at NYC's Thompson Hotel LES, I'd probably toss it. Which is why I'm not a celeb.

Chloe Sevigny takes on horizontals. There's a reason the dame ranked high in yesterday's informal "girl crush" poll.

Yes, yes, it's supposed to be all kinds of "lengthening" to wear one's jeans extra-long like this. But then you can only wear them with the 5" platforms, which mean you only wear them, maybe, once a month, and every time wish you'd just had them hemmed to a normal length. Besides, isn't Brooke Shields tall anyway?

Paul Iacono is working so hard at being quirky that I'm half afraid he's about to whip a copy of Prater Violet and a hip flask of home-brew out of his pocket.

Erin Lucas, now identified as an "actress," was one of the "downtown" cool-kids on The City. (Read: she had bangs.) You can tell by her casually distressed aesthetic, you see.

Olivia Palermo, meanwhile, would never have been allowed to wear such a wacky train-wreck of an outfit in her designated role of "rich bitchy villainess."

The fact that Fern Mallis is the most powerful woman in fashion makes me happy every time I see her in dizzy French-teacher mode!

Ashley Madekwe looks like what an American Apparel ad should be. In reality, she'd need to remove all the clothes ans ten years, and add a major insolent sexy-face.

Julie Henderson's dress kind of looks like a really labor-intensive craft project, the kind at a craft fair that makes you secretly think, if you have that talent, why put all this time into something ugly?

My parents used to have two friends who met in the early 70's in a marijuana addiction group. Byrdie Bell's dress is what I imagine the bride wearing.

Nicole Miller has the confidence of the successful designer. Make of this what you will, she said ominously.

[Images via Getty]