This morning a publicist emailed us about this remarkably stupid item: a knife and fork attached to 2-pound dumbbells.

The email reads, in part:

At breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even on the go, you can take the gym with you when you eat! Knife and Fork Lift is a handsome, stainless steel, custom made combo knife and fork set, each protruding from a two-pound dumbbell to remind a person that eating puts weight on. One can actually exercise while dining as cutting and lifting food to your mouth is like doing curls with barbells. A great gift for your dieting friends.

Italics are theirs, although we are totally excited about taking ridiculous bulky utensils on our next trip too! Megan says, "Actually, that would be a great gift from the kind of 'friend' who would give you one of those, as a 2 pound dumbbell would allow you to give her a good beating without actually risking her death." Hortense adds, "And you'd also have the opportunity to use a Marx Brothers-esque line: 'Well, it takes a dumbbell to give a dumbbell.'" Oh, but they beat you to it! From the website:

By lifting these heavy utensils, even a dumbbell gets the message that what you eat puts weight on.

See, your friends are fat because they are too dumb to stop eating! Remind them of that fact with this thoughtful present. To be fair, though, the guy in the website graphic does seem to be having some cognitive troubles. He's wearing a football on his head, and appears to be eating popcorn with a fork. Perhaps he's auditioning for a cartoon version of The Stupids?

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But seriously, everyone knows that diet and exercise sometimes fail. The only foolproof way to prevent fatness is complete abstinence. Sadly, according to science writers at The Onion, this approach has problems too:

Despite the popularity of abstinence-only meal programs in schools across the country, the study found that children who were provided with no food at lunch and cautioned against eating at an early age were no less likely to become overweight than those who were provided with a well-rounded nutritional education.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said the findings could adversely affect federal funding for all programs that tell kids "lunch is worth waiting for."

"There's no evidence to suggest that instructing teens not to chew, swallow, or even think about food is actually going to stop them from eating," Sebelius told reporters. "Let's face it: Kids are already eating. And not only during lunchtime. They're eating after school, at the mall, in their parents' basements. Pretending like it's not happening isn't going to make it go away."

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Clearly the Knife and Fork Lift is the answer for these dumbbell teens. In the same vein, I'm going to market a line of condoms with baby dolls attached, to remind people that sex causes pregnancy. And while I'm at it, I'm just going to staple calendars to everything, because after all, living "puts years on."

Knife And Fork Lift [Official Site]
Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity [The Onion]