It was a shitty week in tabloidland, friends, which is why every magazine received a failing grade. Margaret assists as we suffer through the stench of putrid gossip in Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star

"Be Our Mommy."
How do you like this cover line, which puts words in the kids' mouths? According to sources, Janet wants custody of the kids — they've grown very close in the last few weeks. The Jackson brothers are all for it, as long as they can convince mama Katherine it's a good idea. A source says: "Janet knows that Katherine is in no position to make certain decisions. Katherine is still dependent on Joe for things like financial advice." Apparently Paris has "longed for a mother figure" for years and "latched on to Janet." Also: Did you know that MJ was friends with Charlie Chaplin's son Michael and family? And! Is former child star Mark Lester — godfather of Michael Jackson's kids — actually their father? Also inside: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo broke up because Tony told her he wasn't going to marry her, says a friend. "He flat-out told her if she was looking for someone to propose and give her a white wedding and a family, he was not that person, and they should go their separate ways while they're still young." Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler have been flirting on the set of The Bounty. A pal says: "She says she's through repeating her old patterns. She thinks Gerard is the kind man who loves women, not girls." Wait, what? Lastly: A source says sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin have been "shacking up" in his suite at the Waldorf-Astoria; she stays there 5 or 6 nights a week. But! A pal of R. Patz says: "The minute Rob gets back to playing Edward the vampire, he'll go into method-acting mode and spend all his time with Kristen." Oh, and please note how Rob and Emilie look sunny and happy in the accompanying photograph, while Kristen Stewart looks like an impoverished urchin or hobgoblin (Fig. 1.)
Grade: F (raw sewage)

Life & Style
"Kim Helped Me Lose 20 Lbs. In Four Weeks."
Khloe Kardashian, who is 5'9", says "I'm now a size 6, but I've been up to a size 10 in the past." THE HORROR. The magazine photographs her wearing a swimsuit by a pool standing on a scale in stilettos, arms raised triumphant (Fig. 2). She says: "I don't want to be the fat, funny one anymore." Was she ever fat? Anyway. Basically, she worked out and ate edamame instead of pretzels, and a lot of grilled chicken. But, Khloe says: "I love my body, big or small." Moving on: Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt take dance classes at Creation Station in Studio City, CA. Their dance teacher says: "I have closet full of stuff for them to wear — wings and wands, tutus, top hats and capes." Also: "Zahara was a little more coordinated — she was trying to help Shiloh. She was taking on the big sister role." Cute! Mischa Barton talks to the mag in an "exclusive" interview, responding to the Heat magazine cover where she's called "bloated." She says: "All that matters is how I feel about my body." There's a two-page spread of pictures that involved a helicopter flying over Katherine Jackson's pool where Michael Jackson's kids were playing with their cousins (Fig. 3). Is that even legal? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, details about Stephanie Pratt's nose job (her face has "gotten glam!"); and Jennifer Aniston either got implants or a padded bra — an opportunity for the good doctor to shill his plunge halter bra (Fig. 4).
Grade: F (rotten food left in sun)

In Touch
"Jon's Engaged!"
Jon Gosselin gave his 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman a $180,000 ring — featuring a skull surrounded by four black diamonds. Classy! Of course, maybe the bauble was just something Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier had lying around on his yacht, where Jon and Hailey were hanging out — for business reasons, since Jon had a meeting with Audigier. Anyway, gotta love the sidebar headline: "He's Giving Hailey What He Never Gave Kate." Meaning luxe vacations and fine dining. Then again, he hasn't given Hailey 8 kids. Yet! Moving along: A friend says: Paris Jackson wants to be with Janet Jackson: "Paris doesn't just love Janet, she worships her. She sees Janet as the mom she never had." Brad and Angelina had a fight before the twins' birthday on July 11. "Angelina became enraged when Brad told her that he doesn't want to have any more children with her." Wait, he wants to have more kids, just not with her??!?! An insider says: "She was hoping to patch things up by getting pregnant again, even though she knew in her heart the relationship was on the rocks." YAWN! Oh, "Bathing Suit Shockers & Stunners" has pictures of people like Demi Moore (Stunner, though we can see her ribs); Lindsay Lohan (Shocker, "skin and bones,"); Kelsey Grammer (Stunner, he's been working out after suffering a heart attack); and Pam Anderson (Shocker: "Pam's body isn't like it used to be." Maybe because she is 42?) Check out old pictures of Cloris Leachman as a bathing beauty (Fig. 5)! Lastly: Jennifer Aniston is having a "revenge romance" with Gerard Butlter, and holds him the same way she held Brad Pitt and John Mayer (Fig. 6).
Grade: F (filthy restroom)

"Second Chance."
After five pages of speculation about how since Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are both single now they MIGHT get back together since they are "haunted by the ghost of their relationship past," quotes refuting this theory appear at the end of the story: "He would never ever go back with her. He's a different person now," a source says. "All Nick wants now is a non-famous girl he can settle down and have kids with." Then the magazine writes: "Ironically, though Simpson now wants to settle down and have a family, a source close to her tells Us she isn't pursuing her ex-hubby." "They don't talk and haven't seen each other in years," the insider says. "That's the last thing on her mind." Okay then! Moving on: Supposedly, the two Real Housewives who were the behind the scenes troublemakers asking for more money were Jill Zarin and Ramona Singer. Apparently the producers said, "Do you think we'll have a hard time replacing you?" and scared the shit out of them. Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson have broken up! That's why he didn't attend Michael Jackson's memorial. The two have been "moving in different directions." Please note that Us uses the word "bimbo" to describe Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend. The mag speaks with James Appleton, who describes himself as Hailey's "hook-up friend." He says they broke up right before Hailey started seeing Jon: "A couple of days later, a mutual friend was like, oh, hey, your girl Hailey is pretty famous. She's dating this older guy who has like, eight kids." Another friend says Hailey is bisexual: "She's open about it. And I've seen it happen." There are some cute pictures of Kendra and Hank's honeymoon, for those interested.
Grade: F (sulfuric intestinal gas)

"Jen's Revenge."
Jen and Gerard have adjoining trailers on the set of The Bounty, and have been eating lunch together and taking yoga together. IT MUST BE LOVE. Moving on: Penelope Cruz wore a ring with a gem stone in it, so Javier Bardem has "put a ring on it." The story called "From Hunks To Chunks" is about guys who have put on weight. Jon Gosselin, Joey Fatone and Bobby Brown have "Moobs! Jelly bellies! Thunder thighs!" Is Demi Lovato cutting again? The mag says "cutting is a secretive self-mutilation ritual girls sometimes use." Girls only? Huh. Renée Zellweger is such a germaphobe that she makes people put hospital booties on their feet when they come into her house, even if they are wearing socks. Blind item! "Which reality TV star isn't speaking to his best bud after getting stood up at Diddy's White Party in L.A.? He's raging after waiting all day for his pal's call to meet up, which never came." Tony Romo went out partying the night after he broke up with Jessica Simpson and "caught a cougar." He hooked up with 43-year-old actress Michelle Johnson, whom you may remember from her fine work on Melrose Place and Tales From The Crypt. Jessica was shocked by the breakup because Tony had just given her a necklace as a "promise to wed" symbol. "He asked her then to hang in there, to take it as a symbol of his commitment to her. He knew just how to string her along." People say Mischa Barton is puffy and bloated from drinking and partying, but she claims she had her wisdom teeth removed (Fig. 7). A trainer who does not treat her says she must tip the scale at over 150 lbs. Michael Jackson wrote all the time, scribbling on napkins and pieces of paper and his mother Katherine wants to collect his writing and keep it for the kids when they get older. Also, he told his "diary" that he wanted to adopt a girl, but he was frustrated that agencies in the U.S. wouldn't let him adopt because of the child molestation charges. He also was "jealous" of Janet's sexuality — he wanted to be sensual and provocative like her, but struggled with feeling like an innocent child. And he wanted to get even more plastic surgery to make his cheekbones more prominent, but his doctors were against it, so he got Botox instead. Brad Pitt is buying "bachelor pad" in Big Sur — which he'll use to get away from Angie. Lastly: Charlie's Angel Kate Jackson hired some guy to clean up her house, because she was living in squalor, so of course he took pictures and sold them to Star. She seems to be addicted to pain killers and the guy says her teeth were rotten and her eyes were yellow.
Grade: F (skunk)

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