Normally I go to Men's Health to get my fill of terrible bro articles, but today's horrifically sexist article comes to us from another bro source: Ask Men, who present us with "Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat."
Isn't it a total drag, bro, when the woman you supposedly love gains weight? Instead of perhaps considering that she's aware of the issue, or perhaps wondering if there are health concerns or emotional reasons behind a sudden weight gain, Ask Men thinks you should approach the subject of your beloved's body by humiliating her as often as possible. Isn't that just the sweetest thing, girlfriends?! It's like Irving pushing Cathy into a shark-infested ocean and yelling, "This will help you prepare for swimsuit season next summer, as I know how emotionally difficult it is for you!" Charming.
Below, a break down of Ask Men's Top Ten "Subtle" ways to fat-shame your girlfriend into losing weight:
No.1 - Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit
If she seems content staying at home eating donuts in her track pants, why not start taking her to places where she has no choice but to where a swimsuit? As she awkwardly looks around at all the slender bodies having a great time, she'll more than likely vow to do something about her recent weight gain, especially if she knows she'll be back there in the not-so-distant future.
Oh, that's right! She's just chillin', eatin' donuts. Women be eaaaatin! What better way to make her feel terrible enough to lose weight than to force her to go to the beach and deal with what apparently are some pretty serious body image issues? Because a woman who is comfortable in her body, regardless of her weight, wouldn't be affected by this dumb tactic at all, so clearly this is aimed at women who are already struggling with a self-image problem. Humiliation will clear that right up, Ask Men. Good call, assholes.
No.2 - Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
This is a highly effective way to draw attention to the explicit changes to her body as you see them. By consistently reminding her of how she used to look, she'll inevitably be more inclined to do something about her excess flab. Appropriately chosen and strategically placed photos should accomplish this quite nicely. Keep in mind, if she confronts you about trying to shame her into losing weight, the key approach here is denial, as you reply: "Do you actually think I would be that manipulative?" Of course you would, but she doesn't need to know that.
Again, be sure to embarrass her and make her feel as terrible about herself as possible. And please, disregard any notion that a woman's body changes over time. That's just silly! Oh, and leaving "before and after" pictures around the house? Reaaaaaal subtle, bro.
No.3 - Sabotage her chair
Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says "better lose some weight" like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she'll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.
You guys, I can't even make this shit up. Sabotage her chair?!? What is this, 4th grade? Are you also going to get her a locket that reads "Fatty Fatty 2 x 4?" And what if she, you know, really hurts herself thanks to your little stunt? Or are broken vertebrae like, totes sexy, bro?
No.4 - Ask her to wear an old dress
Plan a romantic night out for the two of you and insist that she wears something from when you first got together; particularly something that you know doesn't fit her anymore. This way she'll have to admit to you that she's put on too much weight and can no longer get into many of her old clothes. Follow it up by telling her how good she looked in those days, and maybe she'll make it her mission to get back to that size.
Yes, because nothing makes a woman feel better on a date than being forced to try on a dress she already knows doesn't fit her anymore. Humiliation! Romantic!
No.5 - Playfully grab her love handles
Ask any man and he'll tell you that he instinctively flexes his biceps whenever a woman touches them. The same thing goes for a woman when you make contact with any unwanted flab: She recoils and feels embarrassment. Use this reaction to your advantage. Even if she thinks that you're too busy at work to have noticed a few extra pounds, if you continually rest your hand on her love handles (or even lightly pinch them), she'll soon realize that you're becoming increasingly aware of something that never used to be there before.
Dude, if you even try this with 99% of the women I know, you will never have anything on your body "playfully grabbed" ever again.
No.6 - Improve your own diet
It's very easy for the two of you to fall into the downward spiral in which many couples begin to replace sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake. Don't let this happen by focusing on your own health requirements and staking your right to a junk-food-free home. It might even be the only way of separating her from the fatty foods which have led to the current problem.
Yes, please keep Fatty McGee away from the junk food! Only you, Mr. Penis, with the perfect body and self-discipline, can save her from herself! She's so lucky to have a man like you, who will forcibly remove food from the household in an attempt to make her feel even worse about herself. Healthy attitudes!
No.7 - Serve her unsatisfactory portions
When dishing up meals for the two of you, try giving her smaller-than-usual amounts. By making her ask for more food, you might succeed in shaming her into an acknowledgment of her recent weight gain, and hopefully to instigate a conversation about what she's going to do about it. If you feel as though you're starving yourself in the process, remember you can always go back for more when she's not looking.
Yes, starve her and then eat the leftovers yourself. This will surely do the trick. Encouraging the development of disordered eating is true love, right, bro?
No.8 - Set out on your own weight loss plan
Here's an interesting experiment for you using reverse psychology. A subtle way to tell her she's getting fat is to tell her you're not happy with your own level of fitness and she may begin to open her eyes to the wider picture. By referencing yourself in any plans to lose weight, you're also subtly telling her that you're not the only one who might benefit from a diet. And even if she does see through your ploy, she'll at least appreciate the tact you have shown and will hopefully take the message on board.
Wait, what?!? You mean you don't have the perfect body already, bro?! Who would have thought?!?!
No.9 - Sign her up for yoga under the pretence of "stress relief"
This works particularly well if your girlfriend still hasn't worked out the link between an active lifestyle and emotional well-being. Tell her you have found exactly what she needs to help her relax, a regular spiritual cleanse in the form of a yoga class. Make sure you choose an intense, calorie-burning form (power yoga or ashtanga yoga), otherwise she may end up rolling around on the floor a couple times a week with no real benefits. The beauty of yoga is that if you dress it up as a way to relieve stress, she may not realize that she's being tricked into shedding a few pounds, and even if she does, you'll end up with a happier, more self-confident girlfriend rather than a grumpy lard-ass.
Trick her into exercise, because nothing says "honest and open relationship" quite like blatant manipulation for your own personal gain.
No.10 - Buy her clothes that are too small
If you buy her clothes that are obviously too small for her, not only will she finally have to admit that she's putting on weight, but she can easily return them for her correct size. First, she'll have to reveal to you that the clothes are too small. "Oh," you might say, "I thought you were a size 8. Isn't that what you were last summer?" The onus is now on her to do something about it.
Oh, I made you feel shitty about yourself with my shitty, ill-intentioned present? I'm so sorry! I'm just kind of an expert in really small things, like, you know, my brain, for example.
I can't even really begin to express the rage I feel for this article: it is based on the concept that humiliating, degrading, and manipulating a loved one is the only way to make them aware of their weight gain. It also sidesteps the fact that for most people, it's not necessary to point out weight gain, as people are usually aware of what is going on with their own bodies. It also doesn't advise partners to consider health factors, emotional issues, or other underlying causes of weight gain that could be addressed in a healthier, more supportive way. And, perhaps most importantly, it doesn't point out that some women may be happier and healthier at a higher weight, and that if their stupid boyfriend thinks it's more important to make her feel ashamed of her body than to love her for who she is at any weight, then her best method of losing weight would be to dump the 180 pound sack of shit who thought this article was a good idea in the first place.