Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we glean "news" from the weekly celebrity tabloids. Sob on your cake while eating frosting as we dish details from Ok!, Us, Star, In Touch and Life & Style, after the jump.

"Make Up Your Mind!" Edward has given Bella an ultimatum! Robert Pattinson wants Kristen Stewart to break up with her boyfriend, so Rob and Kristen can be together because it's destiny! And he doesn't want to share her. Also inside: A body language expert watched I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here and says when Heidi cried, it was "too controlled," and therefore fake.
Grade: F (no cake, no candles)

"Jon Cheated On Her Birthday."
This story about Jon & Kate Gosselin claims that while Kate was celebrating her "kind of sad" 34th birthday in North Carolina, Jon was partying on the slopes in Park City, Utah. Although he and his "mistress" Deanna Hummel arrived separately, they were inseparable, even the night Jon asked a cocktail waitress to send drinks to a table of girls. "Jon was a dirtball," the waitress enthuses. Added bonus: the mag points out Jon's "fashion disasters." (Fig. 1) Next: "The Curious Case Of Celebrity Buttons" is an examination of stars' navels (Fig. 2). Rihanna has been "flirting" with L.A. Lakers center Andrew Bynum. The script for the Sex And the City sequel is finished, and a "source" whom we're not sure didn't write it says, "It's really, really good!" Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's marriage is on the rocks; they fight constantly and she uses booze to escape the pressures of motherhood. Plus! Ashlee is "very insecure" and complains that Pete is not giving her enough attention, and they rarely have sex anymore, according to a source, "which for them is shocking." Lastly, a feature called "Speidi's Jungle Drama" looks sort like our Comic Confrontations, not that we invented comics or anything (Fig. 3).
Grade: D (name spelled wrong on cake)

In Touch
"Angelina's Birthday Ends In Tears." Apparently Brad Pitt "went through a lot of trouble" for Angelina Jolie's 34th birthday — getting lingerie from Agent Provocateur and a special painting — but a fight erupted when Angie accused Brad of meeting up with Jen in L.A. Also, according to the mag, "The Stress Is Affecting Her Looks." (Fig. 4) Not like she has six kids and a UN assignment or anything. And! The mag prints these sentences: "Meanwhile Jen's working on herself. And she's keeping herself curiously single." Next: Ashlee Simpson is "shrinking" while Jessica is "curvier than ever." A source claims that Ashlee eats fewer than 1,000 calories a day, and an insider spills that Jess eats Southern food — like chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and biscuits — at least twice a week. Dr. Lisa Boesky, a psychologist who does not treat either star, says: "After years in the spotlight and constantly working on being the perfect size, it's healthy for Jessica to accept her body as it is." Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf are taking their "romance" to the "next level"; a friend says they are "hooking up." Kate Gosselin is "obsessed" with plastic surgery; she had a tummy tuck, got her teeth fixed and may have had a boob job, but she still has "lipo-scuplting" on her "wish list." Britney's boyfriend/manager. Jason Trawick, is "serious about his commitment" to the pop star, says a pal. Kate Hudson has introduced her son to her new man, Alex Rodriguez; Madonna is planning on visiting Brazil to meet the family of Jesus Luz. Lastly, Leighton Meester, Patrick Dempsey and Dakota Fanning all look better for their age than Stephanie Pratt, Javier Bardem Jefferey Dean Morgan and Taylor Momsen (Fig. 5).
Grade: D+ (trick candles)

Life & Style
"It's WAR!" Angelina couldn't relax while celebrating her birthday, because she had to "watch her back": Hollywood producer Dan Lin announced that he was planning a new Tomb Raider movie but that Angie is too old! Megan Fox is a "no-brainer," Lin says. A "friend" says Angie is "not thrilled" and "panicking" and "feels that her age is starting to undercut her choice of film roles." Meanwhile, Megan is "doing everything she can to steal Angie's thunder," according to the mag. Next:
In a feature called "Kelly Clarkson: I Love My Body," the mag prints the sentence, "It's normal to gain weight with age." OMG really?!?! This is accompanied by photos of Tyra, Kirstie Alley and Mariah Carey "younger" and "now." Here's a snippet from a story called "Britney Just Wants To Be A Good Mom": "Britney was trying on costumes and [her son] Sean said, 'Mommy, you look beautiful in your make-believe dress,' and she started to cry." Did you know that Life &Style is "Your Twilight Authority"? It says so, on page 34, and also claims that Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend for sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson. Finally! Lastly: This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Chest In Hollywood." No, silly, guys can't play. This is only for the women, like Kate Hudson, who would "look even better with some cleavage. (Fig. 6)"
Grade: C- ("over the hill" gravestone candle on cake)

"Brad & Jen's Secret Hotel Hookup!" In a "blockbuster exclusive," the mag reveals that Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston spent two hours together at 1a.m. in the private roof garden of the Gramercy Park Hotel in NYC. She asked about the kids, he asked about her dogs. He also told Jen that Angie is no fun. Moving on: Is Lindsay Lohan engaged? She was seen wearing a ring on that finger when she left London with Sam Ronson. Robert Pattinson's abs are fake (Fig. 7), an on-set source says: "They used all their tricks — including liquid body paint, shading and airbrushing." Blind item! "Which singer/actress has pretty much given up playing it straight? She and a galpal openly sucked face after splitting a bottle of tequila at NYC's Cain Luxe on May 26." Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard had a "private spa weeked" and she was seen putting her head on his shoulder.
Grade: C (fire extinguisher for candles jokes)

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