Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where, according to the tabloid covers, only two things are newsworthy: Kate Gosselin's "revenge" bikini body; and whether the stars of Twilight are hooking up.

"Yes! They're In Love." ZOMG! Sparkle vampire Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are secretly lusting after each other. "Although Robert knew Kristen had a boyfriend, he made no secret of the fact that he was crazy about her," says a "source." Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle sez: "That's a classic male pattern. Guys go after girls they can't get, like dogs chase cars they can't drive." Wait, dogs long to drive?!?!?! Lastly, there's a spread called "Inside Adam Lambert's Makeup Bag." He likes MAC eyeliner, OPI nail polish and Define Me eyeliner.
Grade: F (paddled in front of class)

Life & Style
"On-Set Secrets." Lots of pictures from the set of New Moon and "secrets" about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart such as , "They were happy and laughing throughout filming," and "They seemed comfortable with each other." Shocking, since this is the second movie they've done together! After the MTV Movie Awards, Rob and Kristen went out to dinner and were seen holding hands and "exchanged a few sweet pecks." Where? On the cheek? Or on the lips??? Then they went back to a "private chateau" at a hotel and didn't emerge till the next day, when Rob "planted a kiss" on Kristen and then drove off. "I bet they're doing it," an insider says. Hard-hitting journalism right there! Moving on: Brad's "talking" about baby number 7 because he said to the press, "We'd love another. Who knows, maybe we'll have one in London." A story called "A Baby For Beyoncé" speculates that when her tour ends, she'll get knocked up. This is illustrated by a picture of Bey with Jay-Z's hand on her tummy. Yet, the article states, "Beyoncé is in no rush to have children." Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Most Flawless Eyes In Hollywood?" Rihanna, who is 21, has a "youthful gaze." Molly Sims, 36, "looks a bit weary." Anne Hathaway would "perk up" with Ginnifer Goodwin's eyes (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (knuckes hit with ruler)

"Mommy, You Are Mean!" Kate Gosselin took the kids to Bald Head Island in North Carolina, even though the two oldest ones had to miss school. A fellow vacationer says, "When Kate sat at the edge of the pool, she told one of her daughters, 'If you splash me, you are dead meat.' She was not joking at all. The child's reply? She said, 'Mommy, you are mean.'" Wow. Scandal. The mag talks to a classmate from Kate's highschool, who says she always had that snappy attitude. A nurse who used to work with her says, "When you see her temper tantrums, that's Kate." The brother of Jon's alleged mistress says he will sell the bed his sister and Jon slept in on eBay. Any takers? Next: Hey look, a bunch of people who were virgins in their 20s (Fig. 2)! Madonna is getting cooking lessons from Jessica Seinfeld so she can cook Brazilian dishes for Jesus. Eddie Cibrian's wife Brandi says LeAnn Rimes is desperate for her husband's loving! "LeAnn is a stalker. She refuses to leave us alone — it's shameful and scary. People are going to say it takes two to tango, and I get that. But at some point, LeAnn needs to stop asking him to dance." OH SNAP. New Moon on-set secrets: When Rob and Kristen were filming their kissing scene, they used tongues! And! Rob's hand stayed on Kristen's back a little longer than needed. ZOMG VAMPIRE LOVE. Also, at one point, she threw herself on him, but instead of calling him Edward, she called him Rob! Lastly: Brooke Hogan once said she thought her mother Linda was using drugs. Linda's rep says, "Brooke always had a problem telling the truth — it is her claim that her breasts are natural." Me-ouch! Brooke responds: "When have I ever lied? Do I choose not to talk about my breasts? Yeah, and I choose not to talk about my gynecologist appointments, too." THANK ZEUS.
Grade: D (forced to write something 500 times)

In Touch
"Split!" The mag spoke with Jon's friend Todd Cruz, who says Jon and Kate have been separated for six months: "They're not separated legaly, but they're not in a marriage type of relationship." LOL. Jon broke up with Kate six months ago because he thought she was sleeping with her bodyguard. Then there's a lengthy accusation that Jon is dating a 21-year-old named Amber. A source says he saw Amber and Jon kissing and talking in Jon's car. Apparently TLC has the whole season planned out: The show will present Kate as the angry wife; then have the fallout from pictures of Jon partying with ladies; then Jon will move out and they'll film in his new apartment; then there will be a fake reconciliation for a "happy ending." Moving on: Brad and Angelina are consulting lawyers in case they need to split. Angie supposedly saw a high-profile attorney around Easter when Brad was in France. At Cannes, they were "pretending" to be a couple and actually can't stand to be in the same room together. By the by, at Shiloh's 3rd birthday party, she got a Pottery Barn Kids kitchen set. A source says she loves playing house and especially loves painting Brad's nails. Next: A doctor who does not treat Nicole Kidman says she looks 18-22 weeks pregnant. Is that why she pulled out of a Woody Allen movie? And! Did Penelope Cruz really get food poisoning in Cannes, or are she and Javier Bardem expecting a baby? More Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart gossip: After the MTV Movie Awards, they were seen "cuddling and openly kissing" in a restaurant. Diane Lane is standing by husband Josh Brolin, even though, last week's report was that he hooked up with some girl named Melissa. Diane's mother-in-law Barbra Streisand is helping her through it, and both Melissa and Josh deny an affair. Here's a big question: "Why Doesn't Suri Smile Anymore?" (Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (staying late to clean erasers)

"Kate's Ex-Fiancé Tells All!" The mag spoke with Adam Miller, who met Kate Gosselin right after he graduated high school and she was 18. He says she was "fun and easy-going, not at all like the uptight woman you see on TV." He says she was a sex kitten who liked Ruby Tuesday's. After dating for 2 years, she wanted to get married and have kids. "I felt, deep down, that I was too young," Miller, who was 19, says, "but I caved in." Star: notes that Miller splurged on a $700 half-carat diamond ring from the mall and Kate moved into his parent's house. But! He broke up with Kate after she cheated on him the night of her 21st birthday, Adam says: "She hooked up with some guy in a Corvette — always chasing the money." There are two pages of old pictures from when they were a couple, if you're interested, and an interesting look at "Kate's Transformation," (Fig. 4). She makes weird choices when it comes to hair. Moving on: Johnny Depp says he hasn't let any of his kids watch the Pirates movies yet. The mag asks, do you have any ambitions left? Johnny says: "I'd like to grow into being a traditional old man with a beer belly, sitting on the Veranda of our place in France, just staring out over the lawn." More New Moon news: When Kristen and Rob were filming smooch scenes, the director would say cut, and they would "kind of linger and keep kissing." And! After the MTV Awards, at restaurant — with three other people — Kristen and Rob were seen holding hands and kissing! When Kristen went to the ladies room, Rob "planted a kiss on her lips" and waited for her outside of the restroom. When they got back to the table, "Rob held Kristen's hand in his lap, and they both slumped down in the booth, practically lying down," says a spy. "You could tell they just wanted to get out of there and be alone." Even though two weeks ago Carrie Prejean's mom was outed as a lesbian, this week, she declares, "I am not a lesbian." And: "I love men, I've always been with men." The ex-husband of Danielle Staub of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey — who is an ex-con and paid FBI informer, spills all kinds of details about how, when he met her, she was dating a Colombian coke dealer and she's a nymphomaniac and so on and so forth. Next up: Brad Pitt told Jen Aniston that he "feels trapped" and says he can't leave, but doesn't want to stay. And! He hasn't slept with Angie for weeks. An artcle about Mel Gibson's "baby mama" says that giving birth to his eighth child will "mark the high point of her struggle from poverty behind the Iron Curtain to gaining access to the multi-million dollar world of Hollywood." This is illustrated by a bleak, unsmiling black and white photo of her in the Soviet equivalent of the Girl Scouts. (It was taken in 1981). Did you know she was once married to James Bond Timothy Dalton? Blind item: "Which mom-to-be should probably plan a DNA test for after the stork arrives? Several men are loudly insisting that the father is not who everyone assumes." Oooh! "The Hills At War: GIRLFIGHT!" Is about how Kristin Cavallari and Audrina hate each other. And Kristin is going to try and break up Heidi and Spencer. And Heidi and Spencer are jealous of her because they wanted their own show and she just waltzed on as the star. Lastly: "They Were Roomies" is a photo essay of stars who used to live together, like Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuari; Holly Hunter and Frances McDormand and Raven Symone and Lindsay Lohan.
Grade: C- (sitting in corner with dunce cap)

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