When Singing Girlfriends Give Terrible Advice

I have a bad habit of talking back to the radio. It has gotten to the point where my friends have to gently remind me that the radio stars can’t actually hear what I’m saying.

I attribute this to my slight obsession with lyrics: there are more than a few desks in my old high school, I am sure, that are still scratched up with Thom Yorke-isms or something Billy Corgan sang in 1996. I am sure that half of the lyrics I know are wrong: even after listening to a song a million times, I tend to make up my own whenever I can’t make out the words, and those personal lyrics are the ones that tend to stick. However, there are some songs that paint a pretty clear picture, and those songs, sadly enough, are usually the songs that give out a ton of really, really bad advice, which leads me to yell back “No! Don’t do that!” to my poor, defenseless speakers. Here are a few examples.

Carrie Underwood, “Before He Cheats”

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat…
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires…
And maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Or, maybe, he’ll call the cops on you for being completely psychotic and destroying his property. And not only that, but everyone in town will label you “the crazy ex-girlfriend” and suddenly his cheating will seem fairly rational by comparison. Not good. You’re making yourself the bad guy in a clearly fucked up situation here, Underwood. It’s probably better to focus more on karma than on cars, I guess. He’ll get what’s coming to him, with or without a busted car.

Abba: Take A Chance On Me

If you change your mind, I’m the first in line
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you’ve got no place to go, if you’re feeling down
If you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I’m still free
Take a chance on me

This is essentially Cathy’s theme song. They should have thrown some ACK!s in for good measure. Please do not be this girl. Waiting for some dude who is clearly not interested is the equivalent of slipping love notes into Johnny Handsome’s locker in high school. He will read them, aloud, to his equally handsome friends, and they will all laugh at how pathetic you sound. You’d be better off taking your chances elsewhere.

No Doubt: Simple Kind Of Life:

I always thought I’d be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait, the most selfish that I get
You seem like you’d be a good dad

Remember when Gwen was still going through her “all I want is to get married and have kids” phase? This is the quintessential song of that era. This song is pretty sad, actually, and throughout most of it she admits that she’s been an obsessive girlfriend in the past. But this line pushes things from confessional to creepy: “Sometimes I wish for a mistake.” Unplanned pregnancy FAIL! A “surprise” baby isn’t going to save a dying relationship. Not even for you, Gwen Renee.

Toni Braxton: Breathe Again

If I never feel you in my arms again
If I never feel your tender kiss again
If I never hear I love you now and then
Will I never make love to you once again
Please understand if love ends
Then I promise you, I promise you
That, that I shall never breathe again

Breathing is pretty important. You should probably continue doing it, is all I’m sayin.

Miranda Lambert: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend:

Well I started throwin’ things and I scared folks half to death
I got up in his face and smelled whiskey on his breath
I didn’t give a second thought to being thrown in jail
Cause baby to hammer everything looks like a nail
And I was mad as hell
Well them pretty girls their all the same
But they’re damn well gonna know my name
I’m a crazy ex-girlfriend

Well, at least she owns it, I guess?

And finally, the worst song of all:

Lesley Gore: That’s The Way Boys Are

When he treats me rough and he acts as though he doesn’t really care…
Well, I never tell him that he is so unfair!
Plus, he loves me and I know it…
But he’s just afraid to show it!
‘Cause that’s the way boys are!
That’s the way boys are!

Oh Lesley, honey, no. This is not the way boys are. And though this song was written in the 1960’s, I’d venture to guess that all boys weren’t like this back then either. This is perhaps the worst song I have ever heard. Seriously. And I don’t care if that makes you cry, Lesley. It’s my blog post and I’ll make you cry if I want to. Listen to this gem for yourself:

Feel free to add to this list of madness in the comments!