Last year, when I attended New York Magazine's Wedding Showcase, I was a single, self-proclaimed slut looking to mock Tory Burch-clad bridezillas, and got distracted by the open bar. This year, I'm an engaged woman.
However, I was still distracted by the open bar. I guess some things never change.
Like the garbage cans at the event. They were elegantly draped in linen just like last year.
I went with my mom, fiancé (hate that word still), fiancé's mom, my BFF since high school who's one of my bridesmaids and who just got engaged a few weeks ago, and my BFF's mom.
Once my mom and dad got involved in the planning for this wedding, it got so far away from the small, intimate evening I'd envisioned, and is quickly turning into the kind of giant circus wedding—with relatives I haven't seen since I've menstruated for the first time popping up on the guest list—that I really had no interest in. But they're paying for the party, so it's kind of more their thing, than mine, at this point. I haven't put much thought into any of the planning, beyond having booked the venue and the photographer (who's a friend of my fiancé's). I haven't even tried on a single dress.
Speaking of dresses, there were a ton of them on body forms at the wedding showcase. And they were all strapless. I hate that 98% of wedding dresses are strapless and the other 2% are sleeveless.
Anyway, just like last year, I was mostly interested in drinking free wine and eating free hors d'oeuvres and cakes. However, this year, I took the time to fill out all the different raffle cards to win free shit like flowers, makeup, and discounts from various vendors. (My mom kept every pen from each booth she filled a raffle card at, saying, "It's all freebies here," despite the fact that they were Bic pens without caps or a promo printing.)
The thing is though, since the venue I'm using includes catering and the cake, and requires that I use one of their florists, and since I'll probably end up designing invitations, the only vendor to shop for was maybe some form of entertainment, like a band or a DJ.
The one thing that I knew I wanted was to find a string quartet who could play Mariah Carey songs (or at the very least, "Fantasy") leading up to the ceremony and during the cocktail hour. I did find an awesome company at the showcase called Orchestrations, that can turn any song into a string arrangement and provide you with musicians to play it. However, when I asked the woman at the booth about prices, she wouldn't give me any quotes, but assured me that they could work with "any budget." I know how that goes, though: Unaffordable!
After working half the room, I was hot, exhausted, annoyed, and ache-y from lugging around my goodie bag which weighed a whopping 12.5 lbs. (I put it on my scale.)
It was so crowded, and I was sick of being pushed and shoved by frenzied women with flat-ironed hair, wearing their huge purses in the crooks of their elbows. I felt like I was at the mall on the weekend before Christmas. I wanted to get out of there.
I still maintained a sense of humor—or perhaps delirium—because I found this hilarious:
I don't plan on wearing a veil, but I tried one on for shits and giggles, and before I knew it, the five people I was with each whipped out their own camera to take my picture.
When I put it back on the rack I saw that it was $1000, and it was one of the cheaper ones of the bunch.
We were there for about two and half hours, and I knew it was time to leave. When I got home, I rifled through my goodie bag.
- 2 copies of New York magazine
- 2 hardcover books (A Great American Cook by Jonathan Waxman and the novel A Bad Bride's Tale by Polly Williams)
- Chestnut cake mix
- A bottle of water
- Redken straightening spray
- Kenneth shampoo and conditioner
- A crystal keychain
- Measuring tape and a $50 gift card to M&J trimming
- Lavilin deodorant cream
- Korres watermelon-scented, 30 SPF face sunscreen
- Peanut butter crunch Full Bar
- Victoria's Secret makeup bag with perfume and lip gloss
- 2 chocolate bars
- 2 bottles of Milani nail polish, French manicure colors
- Milani eyeshadow and brown lip gloss (which would not be approved by Ashely from Rock of Love Bus)
- 3 different containers of mints
- A brownie and some kind of white chocolate candy
- Sewing kit
- YSL mascara
- Gift certificate for a facial peel
- 20% off of cosmetic surgery, Lasik, Smartlipo, Botox, laser hair removal, Juvederm, Restylane, or a prescription for longer, darker, fuller lashes
- About three million coupons and flyers
It also had a Fashion Forms Bridal Kit that has dress and lingerie tapes, one size extreme silicone adhesive body bra, silicone gel petals, one size thong, and a garter.
I was interested to see what a "one size thong" looked like. It's officially the first thong I've ever owned.
The "extreme adhesive body bra" looked two fallopian tubes away from a uterus.
Which was perfect, since the silicone gel petals look like a form of contraception.
They feel really nice, though. I've been squishing them all day, like they're stress balls. I anticipate getting much use out of them, that way, over the next few months.
Last year, I said that the wedding showcase didn't really sway me either way, on whether or not I wanted to have a wedding of my own, and compared it to anal sex: I always said I'd never take it in the rear; now, sometimes I do. I figured that planning an open bar party to celebrate spending the rest of my life with one person couldn't hurt more than getting fucked in the ass.
And it doesn't. But there's a lot more shit involved.