Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we "read" the celeb weeklies, in search of "newsworthy" gossip. Though Nadya "Octomom" Suleman helps sell issues, she landed zero covers this week: Brangeliniston reigned.

We also noticed that while Star and Life & Style chose to print the LAPD-leaked photograph of Rihanna, Us, In Touch and OK! did not: Does someone at the celeb weeklies have ethics? Contributing editor Margaret assists as we suffer the indignity of listening to the wails of the weeklies, below.




OK!
"Her Smile Was Only For Him."
In a story about Brad and Jen at the Oscars, there's a sidebar which is a meticulous moment-by-moment breakdown of their body language. An insider says: "Once her eyes met Brad's that night, it rekindled all the old feelings." A source says: "Just because Brad was swept off his feet by Angelina, it didn't mean he ever stopped loving Jen… He has this obsession with Angelina and felt he had to explore a relationship with her. Things just seemed to snowball, and the next thing Brad knew, he had six kids." Moving on: In an "exclusive" interview with Paula Abdul, she says she is pain-free for the first time in 12 years, due to a 15th surgery to correct neck and back problems. She's weaned herself off the meds. "There were times in the last few years when I was at an American Idol taping and was in so much agony that I'd tell the guys I wasn't sure I could do it," she says. "It's great to know that viewers can see how much better I am now." Raise your hand if you're gonna miss the meds. Lastly: Brit reality star Jade Goody was diagnosed with cervical cancer last summer and this month found out she has 8 weeks to live; there are ten wedding pictures of bald Jade, new husband and her two kids from a previous relationship. "I'm proud of my bald head," she says.
Grade: F (air-raid siren)

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Life & Style
"Another Attack."
Misleading headline alert! The "attack" is referring to Chris Brown building a self-defense case against Rihanna. He's saying she threw a phone at him and "lost it." The mag also prints the TMZ-obtained LAPD photograph of Rihanna as a full-page horrorshow. Moving on: There's a story about the Jen/Brad/Angelina Oscars face-to-face. "Jen looked very nervous backstage beforehand," a witness says. Uh, yeah, it's the Oscars. "Just showing up was a big step," says Brenda Shoshonna, a psychologist who does not treat Jen. Next! "Is Octo-mom Unstable?" Nadya Suleman's mother Angela is $23,225 behind in her mortgage payments, and her house could be sold at auction on May 5. As for Nadya, she is $50,000 in debt. Her dad told Oprah: "I'm no psychiatrist, but I question her mental situation." A shrink who does not treat Nadya says: "She seems to have the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. People with that disorder tend to focus on themselves with the exclusion of thought for others… I think she's in desperate need of therapy." In "Robert Vs. Taylor: Twilight Showdown," Pattinson is advised to step aside, since Taylor Lautner, will be New Moon's leading man. Werewolf. Whatever. In an "exclusive" interview, Jennifer Love Hewitt says: "size doesn't matter." and "Be a hero, not a zero." Even though she is telling us not worry what size we are, she says: "I've been working out with a trainer about four days a week. And when I can't get to the gym, I do at least 25 minutes on the treadmill or the elliptical every day and try to eat healthy." See? Size doesn't matter! Have a cupcake, she'll be sweating her ass off while you do. Lastly, there's an "exclusive" interview with Jenny Shimizu, who will be on Bravo's Make Me A Supermodel. She says: "Being a mechanic is really my passion, and I'll always do that. But I actually love fashion and modeling too. I like the fact that I came from a different place: I'm Japanese, I'm small, I have tattoos, I'm a lesbian." The mag asks if she is still in touch with ex-girlfriend Angelina Jolie: "No. This comes up every three years or so. Saying we're in Cambodia having an affair sells magazines."
Grade: D- (incessant, piercing car alarm)

In Touch
"Jen's Agonizing Meeting."
An insider says Jen was crying in the car on the way to the Oscars. "She was very nervous and had to redo her makeup in the garage." By the by, Jen did her hair with that braid in the front because it was Brad's fave style when they were together. This story includes analysis of their body language: "Angelina was smirking, which says, 'He's mine,'" says a doctor who does not treat anyone involved. Jen and John's eyes were not smiling, even though they were kissing. A confidant says: "Jen would have a family by now, and babies, if it weren't for Angelina." Say what now? What about "if it weren't for Brad"??? Anyway, in a picture where Jen is clapping for Sean Penn, the text says, "She seemed relieved the award didn't go to her ex-husband." Moving on: In "Chris Fears For His Life," a music insider says "Chris is a marked man. He faces criminal charges and possible jail time, but he's going to have to deal with Rihanna's legions of fans and her close-knit friends in the industry." The same person says Chris is working hard to win Rihanna back: "His thought is, if she forgives him, so will the rest of the world." Then there's a poll which asks, "Should Photos Of Famous Abuse Victims Be Published?" 27% say yes; 55% say no; 18% say "it depends." This mag did not publish the TMZ pic, by the by. Next: Lindsay Lohan is stalking Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford. She showed up at his apartment at 6am, but he wouldn't let her up. At a party, Sam noticed LL texting Chace and asking him to stop by — Sam flipped out and told security not to let in anyone not on the list. A GG source says that Lindsay emails Chace every day. "He said, 'I think she's a little crazy, she sends way too many texts and emails.'" Next: Rachael Ray says, "Most of the people who criticize me are absolutely correct. I'm loud, I'm goofy, I don't make my own pierogies. But what am I going to do, call them up and fight with them? You don't deal with the people who don't like you. I don't work for them." In a story about Nicole Richie being knocked up, a friend says of Joel and Nicole, "They are old-fashioned in some ways… Now that their second baby is coming, they want to make it legal." That's old-fashioned how? You've gotta laugh at this line from a piece about Jessica Simpson: "Is Jessica comfortable with her weight because it's the result of carrying Tony's baby?" Because that's the only reason a woman would be comfortable with her weight: If she is having a football player's infant. In any case, a "business associate" knocks down the pregnancy rumors, noting that Jess had two glasses of wine the other night and also said she was "blah" because it was "that time of the month." Next, there's "Kevin Gained So Much Weight!" A celeb trainer and nutritionist who doesn't work with Federline estimates that he weights 255 lbs. with a body fat percentage of 25 or more. "That would classify him as obese." And: "He definitely doesn't have the dancer's body he once had." Owen Wilson can't wait to marry Kate Hudson: Even though they've dated and broken up before, this time around, Owen made Kate promise that they'd be working toward marriage. They've only been back together for a month. Lastly: Some people in London watched Titanic from boats in a swimming pool (Fig. 1)
Grade: D (fire engine siren and horn)

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Us
"Inside The Showdown."
More Oscars non-drama: "With 36.3 million viewers watching, the cameras cut to an all-too-jovial Jolie twice during Aniston's presentation. 'One of the producers wanted to stir the pot,' a source tells Us. 'He knew what would make good TV, and wanted to manufacture a moment everyone would talk about.'" There's a little box explaining how an "elaborate dance" kept Angelina and Brad away from Jennifer Aniston all night — basically, handlers made sure that when she was in a room, they were not, and vice versa. An Us reporter dared to ask Brad Pitt about Jen's appearance and Brad snapped: "Don't do this. Just don't do this, please... You've got to let it go! Just let it go. Just stop!" Moving on: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's baby Zuma has no blankie! Gavin says: "If you have one thing they latch on to, and they lose it, it's a drag. We're trying to avoid that burden." Did you know that Drew Barrymore and Juno's Ellen Page had a joint birthday party in Las Vegas over the weekend? (Ellen is in Drew's new roller derby flick, Whip It.) Emily Blunt and John Krasinski just got a dog. The mag asks if they are practicing for parenthood, but they've only been dating for like, three months! Oscar night, Evan Rachel Wood was pissed that the Oscar went to Sean Penn and not Mickey Rourke: She flipped her middle finger, stomped her foot and said, "I'm so fucking pissed." Shannen Doherty has been appointed art director of monthly magazine Pasadena. Wait, what? The story about Nicole Richie being pregnant mentions that she ate mini-hamburgers at a recent party. And eyewitness gushes: "She downed two burgers really fast. You wouldn't expect that from Nicole!" Chris Brown and Rihanna update: "He's been calling, and they're talking," says an insider. "Not regularly, but it's happening." Finally, there's a two-page story called "Is The Bachelor Fake?" which we didn't read, but signs point to: Yes.
Grade: D+ (baby crying on an airplane)

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Star
"Was Rihanna Pregnant?"
The mag claims that days before the beating, Rihanna went to her ob/gyn and found out she was pregnant. "Rihanna was afraid to tell Chris about it because she was sure he didn't want to have a baby," says a source. The mag claims Rihanna thought a child would bind them together. Friends say she hasn't mentioned being pregnant since the incident and they're wondering if she is currently knocked up or if she ever was. Then there's a sidebar about how family, friends and doctors are watching Chris, who is "often in tears" and could be on the verge of "doing something drastic." Moving on: While on vacation in the Bahamas, John Mayer gave Jen Aniston an 18k gold toe ring. (Fig. 2) John said it was a symbol of their golden future. Sarah Jessica Parker told a friend that the original Sex And The City 2 script had Carrie dealing with Big's infidelity, but that didn't sit well, so now it's about Carrie being pregnant. Boo. Blind item! "Which young heartthrob dumped his girlfriend for hitting on his younger brother? She's not as pure as she seems — she shared topless pics with her man's mini-me!" An insider says that the reason Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz are in a fight is because Drew is friends with Jen Aniston who used to date Cammie's boyf, Paul Sculfor. So now you know. In the obligatory Brad/Angelina/Jen piece, a source claims Brad said he'd like it if Angie went with him to chat with Jen, but Angie freaked out at him for even mentioning it. "She said: There's no way I'm saying hi to her, and you'd better not, either." Plus, a source says: "Angelina thinks of herself as this big actress — she thinks Jen is just a TV star who got lucky." An oddly titled story called "Lindsay Just Can't Stop… Hopeless" features a picture taken the night she was out partying with Lily Allen, and there's some kind of white substance up Lindsay's nostril (Fig 3). She told her family it was lint. But a "friend" says: "She's so wacked out of her mind she doesn't know what day it is sometimes." LL told friends she doesn't want to live past 30 because she doesn't want to get old and ugly. She wants to die young like her idol Marilyn Monroe. A story about Shiloh Jolie-Pitt maintains that she is a "tomboy" because she likes playing outside and getting dirty, but what 2-year-old doesn't? Lastly: Owen Wilson's brothers Luke and Andrew think Kate Hudson will break his heart again. They staged an intervention, but Owen said he's happy and plans to continue seeing her.
Grade: D+ (jackhammer)

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‘Octo-Mom' Gives Birth to Newsstand Bump [Folio]