Last night, the Academy Awards were, as they always are, kinda boring, and definitely too long. Still, that didn't stop us from picking out stars to pick on, and falling in love with Sophia Loren.

I mostly just watched E!'s red carpet coverage, but I had the TV Guide channel on my picture in picture, and was intermittently terrorized by phantom asshole pains when faced with the reminder of my occasional struggles with hemorrhoids.

Ryan Seacrest was slightly easier to look at, even though he was wearing more makeup than Jay Manuel. His hands are a totally different color than his face.

Hugh Jackman has some skin tone issues as well. Too much time in the Outback, mate. Or the spray tan booth. Whichevs.

Moving on from skin, let's talk hair. Alicia Keys' wig looked like a wig, much like that of Devyn's from The Real World: Brooklyn.

Those girls need to get in touch with Saaphyri. She makes and sells lace fronts.

And that reminds me: BOOBS! The boobs on this baby doll prop made me uncomfortable.

But not as uncomfortable as Sex and the Titty.

As for discomfort, Goldie had her birds on a wire.

And we could all see Reese's "invisible" bra.

As well as this dancer's "nude" bra, which perhaps made me understand the term "Jai Ho" a little better.

No discussion about boobs would be complete without mentioning Philip Seymour Hoffman's hat.

The actual setup of the stage was nice, despite the fact that it was flanked by streamers one would expect to see hanging in the doorways at a bar mitzvah.

I liked how the audience was extremely close to the stage.

But I have a feeling that Jennifer Aniston didn't.

She seemed to be happy that Brad Pitt didn't win "Best Actor" though.

The thing about Heath Ledger winning "Best Supporting Actor" is that when everyone started to cry, you could really tell who's had Botox and who hasn't.

And this one couldn't move her forehead if her career depended on it, which, eventually, it will.

Part of Penelope Cruz's acceptance speech was in Spanish. Sadly, it didn't involve the phrase, "in another life when we are both cats."

Real translation via Radar:

All of the loyal people of Spain are now sharing this moment with me and feel that this is theirs also. I dedicate it to them. To all of the actors of my country, many thanks!

Some other highlights: How hot is Marisa Tomei's boyfriend? His name is Logan Marshall Green and he's 12 years her junior.

What do you think Diane Lane was trying not to laugh about?

Sean Penn looked like he was constipated most of the night.

I loved the look on everyone's faces during the acceptance speech for "Best Foreign Language Film," which started off as, "I…am…here…because of…films."

Even his colleague was like, "Whaaa?"

The bitch in me loved when Zac Efron's hat fell off.

And the bitch in me loved the bitch in Sophia Loren.